Nana pat @fadedrose56 #Priceless time with the little Prince Cornelius during Christmas in Columbia, South Carolina. #Onesies and #Family a little fun on the trampoline is all he needs….Reminiscing…
Though we have modern science, technology and research; no one other than a mother can explain what she goes through during the pregnancy process to the birthing process and how it may change her chemical balance. She is naturally attached to something that was once inside of her body as an egg. Her body grew to accommodate the growth of a fetus as it turned into a newborn baby. If you are like me, you breastfed, which created even more of an attachment or bond because you know that baby relied on you for food and nourishment. The bond that you were building was a bond that your child was creating as well. You became known as mommy. To your infant/toddler, you were the one who rubbed his head, feet and legs, held his hand, kissed his cheek and showed affection. You are the one who rubs his tummy when he has gas and gives him his warm baths. You place him on your chest and rub his back as he fell asleep in your arms. You are the reason he doesn’t have to worry about anything. You are his protector and you wouldn’t let anything happen to him. You held his hands as he began to walk and dusted him off each time he fell. You encouraged him to get up and try it again. You rewarded him with a kiss.
How does it feel to be a puppet of the court and have someone who knows nothing about you, your upbringing, house whole values and moral system; order you on how to parent? How do you feel about having someone who could care less about your child, tell you when you are to spend time and how much time you can spend when your child lives in the same city? What if I told you that the same judicial system that is potentially screwing up your child’s life right now, will be the same judicial system that throws him in jail one day and wonder where the parents went wrong? I am going to reach here and say that no one would be ok with this except the deadbeat parent. That is the parent who does not think about the temporary orders that may have a long term effect.
Constantly changing your child’s environment and toggling between household do not give your child a sense of belonging. And so, at an early age; he develops anti-social behavior, he withdraws, does not know how to fit in or feels like he doesn’t fit in. He is not able to find a place of security and stability. He is caught between bickering parents whether it’s one sided or two sided and it’s unhealthy. He’s confused, does not understand, and he’s not able to call any place home, or even get comfortable enough to just be at peace. The seed of not belonging grows inside of him and you get a child who tends to act out. You can’t even discipline this behavior because it truly comes from a genuine place of confusion. The deadbeat parent does not consider this. They do not realize the damage that they are doing to their children.
My child was recently taken from my home for absolutely no reason other than his deadbeat father wanted to settle a score of not paying child support. With the Hook Line and Sinker approach, he was able to convince just enough people that my child should be with him. Keep in mind, he wanted me to abort my child, didn’t show up for the first 8 months of his life and wasn’t much of a father when he finally did show up. Because he is not able to see past child support, he cannot think about the long term effects that he is causing by removing my child from the only home he has ever known.
For instance, when my child left he was potty trained. He’s been on sole care of his father for 3 months and in that amount of time his father has managed to UN do everything I have done in the name of my child. I received a message a few days ago that my child has a diaper rash. I am wondering, how in the hell does a child 2 months short of three years old have a diaper rash. Simple: He still wearing diapers or pull-ups. Not only that but he’s obviously wetting himself and not being changed. How can he not understand what is happening. Why is my child wearing pull-ups? Why is he not going to the potty? And most importantly, why in Jesus name is someone neglecting to change him regularly if they are going to have him in pull-ups. Why would his father leave him in the care of such a negligent daycare (children’s lighthouse, Copperfield) my child has completely reversed in progress. His behavior pattern has also been affected, his sleep time his schedule has totally been altered. I’ve video-taped my child at daycare as well as spoke to the teacher about his progress. In a recorded conversation she expresses concern as well as explains how he acts out to the point that she has to keep him separated from other children. Among other things, this, something his father would totally deny. Denying is not helping our child. I have the recording. Again, a temporary order that may cause long term effects. Lying about your child’s progress just to cover up the facts about how he’s really adjusting does not help your children.
Any mother or father who interferes with custody for no reason, is a deadbeat. The only exception to this is of it is completely unhealthy for the child and it is proven not just said. I hate bitter parents. Those are usually the ones who become deadbeats. They are not satisfied with the way a relationship ended so they take it out on the child.
My child’s father has abruptly interrupted the bond that my child had with me as well as his life. This change came drastic to my child and was literally overnight. I cannot understand how he does not notice or even care that it is happening. I continue to pray for my child and that he is able to deal with this change, but I know this time is extremely hard for him. I absolutely hate to know my child is going through this.
Below, another reflection from the past. Something that was written in 2011…. clearly another trying time from which I have found growth through a testimony. Sometimes it is necessary to revisit the past…. With that, I share:
Karma, in lay is the belief that all of your actions will have equal repercussions, affecting you. The basic theory is that the universe runs according to certain laws, all described by one word ‘Dharma’ (Sanskrit) or ‘Dhamma’ (Pali). The basic theory is: ’cause and affect’. The laws (Dharma) decide what affect is beget from a given cause. Karma is the ’cause’ part of this theory. In other words, your actions – mental, vocal and physical are your Karma (plural).
In practice, day to day, I try to abide by the Golden Rule; do unto others as you will have them do unto you. The practice and perfecting of this rule is challenged everyday on multiple levels. At work, your co-worker sabotages you. At play, your friends double cross you. In life, people use and abuse you. Just remember, How they treat you is their Karma, how you treat them, is yours.
I’m being challenged personally in my life with how I will react to things that are going on. People who were once close to me and called me family are now playing the enemy to me. What was once togetherness and closeness is now divided by twisted tall tales. In the mist of it all, I still stand with the truth in my right hand and my child in the other. A perfect balance.
……..As much as I tried to process the remarks that came from my ex mother in law, “The lord gives and he will take away”; I was not able to put into content what she could have possibly meant by that with regards to my child. Her other comment, asking why I decided to have my child still has me baffled coming from a mother, a woman and an alleged Christian. Why wouldn’t I have had him is what I really wish I would have asked her. I was struck by those words and left dumbfounded that a woman with two children of her own would ask that question. Speechless, to say the least, there was nothing else to say to her at that point. I have no choice but to insist that these are the cornerstone ideas which has lead my child’s father in his very own destructive way. If your very own mother, whom you love dearly, is your biggest fan and a cheerleader for ignorance and foolishness, you will continue to be truculent. Now the Christian in me says, love everyone. The fight in me says this is not right. When the two merge, I fall somewhere in between on what to do—-but anyone will agree this is a three way toxic relationship. A haphazard triangle on the path of havoc.
So what do I do?
That’s the question I am still asking myself. I have in the past found ways to arrive at forgiving, overlooking, ignoring, letting it go, responding negatively, entertaining it until I was satisfied. In this instance I’m still arriving. I know enough about Karma to know that what goes around will surely come back around. I have to wait. I can’t react in the way that I may want to. People always ask me what I will do about all that is going on, all that has been said to me and the vile way my ex acts toward me, all the charges and accusations he makes to me about my character, all the offensive remarks he makes to get under my skin and get control of my mind. —and to their surprise, I say, I will wait. He will wake up and have a revelation at some point and realize all that is going on. Sometimes it takes a train wreck, but it will be revealed.
My mother in law also accused me of talking about their family. Her reliable source she mentioned were, QUOTE: “people in the streets”. All I can say to that is —wait. Karma has no end. It strikes all involved. As much as it hurts to wait and as much as you may anxiously wait —you have to wait. Not in a sense that you are hoping or wishing and waiting on evil to strike the person who has wronged you. It’s not that at all and you should pay close attention not to confuse the two. It’s the knowing that the truth is the only thing that in indestructible. All the time people spend spreading and entertaining rumors to get a good fight out of people involved will be in vain. If you search for the truth, you can find it. It may be beat up, bruised, dirty, and hung out to dry, but it is what it is and it will still be the truth. Know that whatever people do to you-whatever they say about you in negative manner only deserves a silent response. I learned a long time ago that if you do not entertain lies they will go away eventually. However, if you do choose to respond, do it with dignity. If the truth is your story, tell as many as you would like.
I RECENTLY EMBARKED ON MY VERY OWN Karma Challenge to improve my energy source within and to practice positive response. This challenge was 90 days and included a 40 day fast, a 7- day soul tie breaking and a rebuilding of your favorite 5, which are the closest people to you from whom most of your energy comes from. Within the challenge, there were direction given on what to do to create a positive force-field.
Someone asked me what you do when you try and try to be positive and people around you are so negative and has a response for every positive comment you make. I told her that the initial response to positivity will be a negative response. You have to continue to be that positive force hoping to change the surrounding. Soon they will catch on and want some of what you got —or they will go away. Recently in my bout dealing with these sick people, I try to take their negative comment and turn it into a positive one.
In application: I was excited about having such a beautiful, healthy baby and was carrying on with my life. When my ex saw this he knew could not break or control me with all the ugliness in the world he was throwing at me, and so he tried telling me I was nothing before I had my child; and that my child made me. Well, the only thing that I wasn’t before my child– was a phenomenal mother. So, I guess he’s right!!! I told him, my child did make me. He made me a great mother. I got beauty for ashes. Isaiah 61:3
…………….For now, I remain the X, constant, the unchanging variable; leaving vindication in the hands of the universe.
…….. The following was written in October of 2013. It was a pretty trying time for me. It was an open letter to my son pinned on my blog at the time and shared on Shutterfly. As I found it today and reflected upon the words that were written, I could not help but to think about what is unfolding in his life today. It makes me happy that I jotted it down at that time way back in 2013 when it was fresh and sincere. Resonates so much today, seeing how he is going through some of the things he is going through. I pasted it below without edits because it was written exactly how I would want it read to this day.
…..Is something so massive you can’t get it out of your head, though you bury it or make repeat efforts; by which only cause you to suffer in silence if suppressed. I choose mental health instead, and wish so many others would. Truth is the only anecdote. The truth for me was giving birth to you- a beautiful gift from GOD and beauty for ashes! The only way I can be here for you, is to be here for me. I have to be well in order for you to be well. I know that hiding the truth will not keep you protected- it would only materialize later in forms of confusion and conflict. I would never be the conductor of that train wreck! This is why I fight for you!
The truth is what you can’t get over, under or around. It’s what GOD is and since you were made in his image and likeness – you are the truth. You are what cannot not be hidden. You represent facts that are not acknowledged, often ignored and for some… Who want to pretend your existence is based on anything else, you are still here.
Let’s start with your name. Deon ‘ Cornelius’ Kenny. It was the name given to you at birth, and is on your original birth certificate. Your first name is my middle name, but spelled more masculine. Mine is Dionne. Your middle name came from a man. That man is your grandfather. It is his middle name as well. It is the bridge between your mother and her father by which your existence of a real man came through to sustain your last name, as Kenny. He was the ONLY male figure you knew about while I was carrying you. He is my dad and your grandfather. When you were born, he held you as you were his because you are his blood line. He stepped in to make sure you had a positive role male model, and an example of a man and a father as well as to nurture you as a boy.
You were born into a fight and unfortunately you have been used as collateral by a court empowered by your biological father. The things he told me during the time of your conception were quite different from what he was telling everyone around him, leaving them all surprised when I announced I was pregnant. As a result, lies compounded into a volcano. That volcano is erupting and evil is the lava. I refuse to allow you to be burned! I will extinguish it through prayer and the truth.
Your conception was not by two unwilling parties who knew nothing about what was going on. Instead, it was two very well, highly educated, adults and professionals who equally played a part in your conception. Your father, being in healthcare knows how babies are made. There were no secrets nor hidden agendas nor force that brought you here by me. Your father and I knew the possibility of you coming to exist when we took part in our estranged encounter. He was very aware and informed of the consequence that may prevail.
While this is truth, he expected me to terminate the pregnancy as if an abortion was birth control. With his trail if deception creeping upon his life that would expose truth, he panicked. His mother, your grandmother later asked why is it that I decided to have you. The insinuation that I had any other choice after you were already a fetus, uttered evil. Those words still sting. They linger like untreated cancer. They could have been fatal. However, because I was strong and supported by my mom, dad and sisters as well as close friends; you never had to feel that sting. I have protected you from day one and always will. However, I will not hide the truth from you.
Many things have taken place since your birth that would kill the average person. However, I’m not average and so I still exist. I exist to continue to give you the best of me and praise GOD for your existence. God sees, hears and knows all even that which is not said. Even with the possibility of two potentially different perceptions or perspectives, the truth is what it is and two people for certain know exactly what that is! Something about the truth is, people like to bury it. But you can’t when it’s alive. You can’t act like it didn’t happen, by covering it up with deceptive lies about how it happened. All I hope to instill upon you, son, is the truth about why things are happening the way they are.
If you do not see me, it is not because I don’t want to see you. When you can’t wake up to my kisses, read a book with me, watch your favorite program, eat rice, play in the park and ride your blue bike; it’s not because I don’t want you to. When I can’t tuck you in and sing “Yes, Jesus loves you”, or teach you how to write your name and count to one hundred, it’s not because I don’t want to. When I can’t bathe you, dress you, comb your hair, and love on you like I always have, it is not because I don’t want to. If I can’t take you to the Circus, Lego festival, kids museum, children’s expo, or play in the water, go swimming and to the library, and expose your senses to all the fun and educational thing life has to offer; it’s not because I wanted to stop. Don’t let anyone tell you that ever AGAIN. If I can’t teach you where all the continents are on your favorite globe, take you to the wonders of the world and play Elmo hands, or sing the wheels on the bus, and read to you your children’s bible, It’s certainly not because I requested not to. If I can’t play your favorite DVD while riding in the car, dance with you to your favorite tune with the Disney car boom box, or play the guitar and keyboard, or show you the functions of your leap frog and other V-Tech stations; I did not ask to stop. If we can’t sit at your table in your room and have circle time learning colors, shapes and sounds like we’ve always done, know that I miss it too. If we can’t play hiding seek, peek- a-boo, Simon says and abracadabra; I am imaging the times that we did. If you cannot ride your fleet of cars down the street while laughing at me chase you to turn the wheel, walk to the mailbox, prank call nana and papa Kenny, and wear your rain boots while the sun is shining; I won’t do it without you. While we can’t sit in the closet and practice tornado drills and watch the homedics machine project images of fish creatures in the dark, or jump upstairs while you are on my back; we will soon!
If I can’t continue to provide you with the stable, loving and nurturing environment, that I always have while you have been sick or well—know that I had NO part in that change. Your home will always be right here on Story Book Trail. The rest, I know you will figure out. You were conceived on March 17th 2010 and I haven’t forgotten one detail since then. Should you ever have questions, I will only give you the truth.
I’m going to tell you the story about a girl who was arrested May of 2013 by the Fort Bend County, Sheriff Department.
During her normal routine of meeting the father of her child at a Valero gas station located at the entrance of Sienna Plantation, a sub division in Missouri City, Texas, in which she lived; the peaceful drop was interrupted.
Allow me to pause and rewind: they were meeting at the gas station, at the court ordered request of the girl, who had been harassed many times and assaulted by her child’s father. She requested a mutual and public meeting place due to the previous harassment being done in private. She thought that meeting in a public place would work as a deterrent against the constant harassment. She thought that the public meeting place would make it harder for her child’s father to carry out any threats on her life he’d made. She was happy that he was finally ordered to meet her in a public place, even though it pissed him off more that he had to do so. She was happy that she finally got the order to meet in a public place, after she requested it for 2 years. 2 years that she was denied the motion, in addition to not only being denied that request before, she was ordered to give him her address to her safe haven for pick ups. Until one day……. (Pause: Will be right back)
Back to the day at the gas station: she hugged and kissed her son as usual, before walking him to his father. Once her, then 2.5 year old son, whom had been in her care and custody since birth, was in his fathers arms, she was approached by 2 police officers, as she got back in her car. One on each side of her vehicle. One stood at the front passenger side, demanding that she roll her window down. The other stood at the driver side window, demanding the same. She rolled her windows down and was asked her name. The same officer demanded to produce her identification. After she questioned the officers about why they were asking for her information, and more importantly, why they seemed so aggressive, she looked in her rear view mirror and noticed the father of her child in the car, along with her child. The child’s father was laughing/smiling. She then knew, he had something to do with it. She flashed backed to the email she had just received from him, inciting an encrypted message about something that was “about to happen” it was a joke to him and a warning at the same time. It was a reflection of his ways, in that he’s always had a trick up his sleeve and he’s too narcissistic to let you go without letting someone know that he was the mastermind.
Right about that time, she was demanded to get out of the car and was given no reason why. The police reached inside the car and unlocked the door and began to pull her out. After she tried to make several calls from her cell phone, before being pulled from the vehicle, the police opened her door and began to pull her out.
She told the police that she’d like to call her attorney. The police told her no. One officer, demanded that she hand her cell phone over and that he would call her attorney. She said, “No, there’s a lock on my phone as well as personal information that you do not need to see or have access to.” The police told her that if she does not give him her password, he will not allow her to call anyone. Under duress, she surrendered…
You won’t believe what happened next! Stay tuned for my next teaser.
“We met at the centermost of a metaphor. Right at the end of his dictum…face to face. …You have lovely pearls, he said. I could look into them all night- could I interest you in allowing me to extol your winsomeness?
You had me at my eyes, I said…walking anent my personal space, propitiously invading my comfort zone, carrying on with your encomium. I am obliged. Hello, I said.
..equidistant dialect ..Eyes lite, body twitch, direction propulsive, slow pace. colloquy ensued before our faces crossed, sketched a portrait of a poem. Energized at finger tips, aromas from a fleet of words- undressed. Vigilant to the wind but atmosphere already filled-the breeze strong armed, too late. The connection was made. Bodies attempted to pass-hands got caught on the hooks of his rhyme. Snatched back to sync.
– downloaded and uploaded, hard drive driving, centrally processing, heartbeat colliding, instincts thriving… install complete- wrote me right off my feet, spoke me right back to my seat- who needs faded pictures or a broken glass? What makes you nervous my dame, He asked.
Seduced my hands with his face. Tasted my flesh a my waist- took us both to space- placed my legs on the base… Of his shoulders…all things before were erased- forgotten, misplaced or displaced… Index finger on card catalog, turning pages from books on bookcase- found my story we raced through chapter by chapter, the before and after- wrist vertically communicating with elbows, follow me to the back of my head, they said…. Neck bone in hand sending ….signals to knees, too weak- back collapsed- and radiated through feet. Electrifying… Sparks after spark, transitions in and out of discussions, Segway’s through subjects without touching
And so he’s typing on the small my back, shift buttons shift gears- I think he likes it like that. I’m listening, keep talking, I hear what you saying I’m anticipating and waiting- why are you playing…
Tongue crawling in my breastplate, Strength tilts my head- not fighting to escape- body calling, armor falling…..guards down… Look what you found~ the heart of A lady..”
A passage from my book Compilation of Contemplation copyright published 2015.
Niedria Kenny, Author
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