“I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.”
― Albert Einstein
I am going to do my absolute best to convey these genuine concerns and make this point in its entirety, with the hope that my sentiments will come across facilely. It is my wish that it will resonate not only with the one I’m speaking of, but also with others who do the following things. My objective is to help you garner a better understanding at least, of where you should draw the line and why- as it pertains to the damage you know or may not know, that you are doing; when you over-step boundaries with a child’s biological mother. It’s about time that we have this conversation.
- Kissing the child on the lips: A child’s lips are totally off limits to a play-play auntie. Meaning, you have absolutely no blood ties to this child and not even operating in a step-mom capacity, to the child. Even in that kind of a relationship, I would still question it, when it comes to kissing my child on his lips as an infant – and toddler. You need to know that this is a problem. In what world do you live in, that would give you the audacity to kiss another woman’s child on his lips? Some things go without saying, and this was one.
- Graduation: Graduations are precious moments to a mother. (Pre-school & Kinder-garden, especially) They are landmark achievements and milestones in a mothers’ life, that she keeps tract of, as her child grows. She deserves to have that moment, which are moments where she helps get her child dressed and places his graduation cap on his head. Those are intimate moments that belong to a mother, unless she is not there and has asked someone else to step in. She doesn’t mind sharing the moment with anyone who is there to accompany her, as a support system for the child, but she should have the leading role. When her toes are stepped on, to the degree that she is totally excluded, it’s almost the ultimate disrespect; because it suggests that she is not available to be present. To a mother who’s always available, it’s an insult.
- Movies: Going to see certain movies that you know, the mother and the child are fanatics about. This is another case where the moment can be shared, but not taken completely away from the mother. It’s also a gray area, because I do realize that in cases where parents are divorced and in a new relationship; they may want to go with their new spouse to see the movie with the child. But in that case, the child goes with the father and his new wife or the mother and her new husband. In both cases, it would be a situation where only one parent is attending that movie, no matter who else goes with them. But when you’re the baby-sitter (aka, the play-play aunt) I think you should be mindful that the mother of that child wants to experience that particular movie with her child. If she didn’t ask you to take her child to see it, and she’s always available to do it herself, why would you take that moment away? If anything, the two of you can take him together.
- Having no regard for the child’s mother/being disrespectful to her: This includes, not speaking to the mother of the child, giving no salutation to the mother or any exchange of words; such as “Hello” when you arrive in the place of the dad- for the handoff of the child, at the beginning or end of visitation periods. How is it, that you do not understand, the tension that is present at that time, is felt by the child? You do this, all while claiming to agree with having the child’s best interest at heart and wanting to provide the child with a loving atmosphere. Yet, this is how you carry on.
Clearly, the disrespect starts with the other parent allowing this to go on, and not setting boundaries or standards, when it comes to how his friends handles the mother of his child, where matters of his child are concerned. Which is also why I try to understand, since I realize that this woman may be doing what the father ordered her to do. And maybe she doesn’t have the brain capacity to think for herself, in order to determine what’s best. Perhaps she’s been totally brainwashed- but at what point do you own being a woman who can and should make a better judgment. People create problems that shouldn’t exist, and then wonder why there is tension.
The crazy thing is, I’ve never done anything to this woman. When she comes alone for the drop off, she doesn’t speak. It’s so silly to me, because it puts us in a space of animosity. I mean, what are we doing here? Organizing a bank robbery?
I respect her husband so much more. He always speaks when he runs interference in the fathers’ absence and inability to be available on occasions, due to his demanding work schedule. I remember one time during handoff of my son, in his fathers’ absence, when this guy expressed how much he enjoys spending time with my son. He gave me the respect of asking if I would mind him signing my son up for tee-ball or football… something like that. It was commendable that he recognized the importance of keeping the mother of that child involved. He has found the perfect way of remaining loyal to his friend, who’s the father of the child, while still showing me the respect I deserve as the mother.
Perhaps she should take a page from his book. I get it- you want to be a mom so bad. You don’t have children and mine is such a blessing to everyone. Just be careful and mindful. It’s bad enough that you are the substitute, when I’m actually always available, but never allowed the time I want. And you probably get to spend more time with him than me and his own dad. Not to say that you cannot be involved, but you cannot assume the role in its entirety, when the mother of that child is alive and well, and very active in that child’s life and you should already know that you should show more respect to the mother.
I may come across as brutal as hell, but think about it, you are someone who didn’t think anything was wrong with kissing someone else baby on the lips, and you are someone who has violated the woman code on multiple occasions and on so many levels. You are someone who constantly over steps her boundaries with no discretion. So, please help me try to respect you more.
“The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.” Honore de Balzac
4 ways to totally disrespect the mother of that child | Working Mother http://workmom.co/LtPO6e via @_workingmother_