Every now and then the statement: “That’s why you’re Single” rears it’s ugly head, in the life of a Single Woman and Single Mother. In those times, she takes a step back to analyze and determine if there is a need to address the statement or to ignore it.
“That’s why you’re Single” is usually thrown at a woman, who by relationship status, is single; and it is a comment often intended to be an insult. Personally, when I feel that I am being attacked on the basis of being single, I feel the need to educate the person who make such a statement.
Today, I became aware of the humorous, National Singles Awareness Day, which provides single people an alternative to Valentine’s Day festivities; observed on February 15th and declares to the world, that there’s nothing wrong with being single! I thought it would be a great time to address, rather than to ignore the statement, “That’s why you’re Single”, as it was recently thrown at me (again.)
The first time someone said this to me, it was a man who was clearly upset about me rejecting him. It was the last of his message that made it’s way through, but after a thread of other ones, which defiled my character, to the tunes of being a divorcee and a single mom. None of which were ever validated in his rant, about why I chose not to be involved with him: A man over 40 who’s never been married and do not have kids of his own.
Most recently, “That’s why she’s single” came in the form of a comment in response to my own rant, which had to do with the things I felt were not considerate of a woman to do, with another woman’s child. And so, I decided it was that time again, to delight in spreading some awareness about the subject as well as to enlighten the women and men who throw the “That’s why you’re Single” statement around carelessly. I wrapped it all up in a few statements of my own below:
- Single is not a disease, illness or a crippling and disabled condition: It’s a relationship status, just like married or divorced, which can be changed at anytime the woman decided she wants to be with someone. Notice I didn’t say, “when she decided that she no longer wants to be single” Because Single is not a condition. If you decide you don’t want to be single, you can start dating anyone. But when you’re ready to be in a relationship and you’ve found someone you want to be in a relationship with, that’s what you do. Does he make you want to change your relationship status? Are you ready to change your status? Embrace being single until then: You shouldn’t walk around saying that you do not want to be single, because you’d end up with anything, just to not be single.
- You don’t have to be married or in a relationship to be complete: Maybe that’s where women go all wrong in the first place. You look for someone to compete you, and when they leave, you fall apart. Or you hold on to something, because you believe that you couldn’t survive without it. You don’t realize that you should come to the table complete, but in the market for an enhancement: Someone who adds value, not someone who makes you valuable. If I marked the price up on a car, I can also mark it down. But luxury comes in a class that cannot be tampered with. Features only enhance it.
- You race to find a mate: You treat dating and marriage as if it’s a first and second place competition in life’- where if you don’t have a relationship, you loose. Consequently, you end up with someone you don’t want. Which is probably why the divorce rate is as high, if not higher than the marriage rate? Yes, loving someone and being loved back is a beautiful thing, but it is not the only ingredient to living, which means you are not going to die, just because you are single. The world don’t move to the beat of just one drum, what might be right for you, may not be right for some… It takes different strokes to move the world (and yes, I did just quote the Different Strokes theme song)
- Being single is not a real insult and you shouldn’t view it as one: Whether you are the single person, or the idiot ridiculing someone for being single. The fact that you think saying “That’s why you’re single” is an insult, tells me that I should assume that you’re an unhappily married woman, since you felt the need to run and get married, just so that you wouldn’t have to be “single”
- Some people are waiting. They are single by choice, not by handicap. What’s wrong with waiting? Stop rushing and don’t be pressured. That same premise was the reason I got married the first time- and we all se the train-wreck that came from it. WAIT! Don’t do it, read some literature on the subject! (Yes, I did just quote the International Players Anthem)
- Single doesn’t translate to “can’t find someone.” Perhaps they are not “looking” for someone. Perhaps they have devoted their time, money and energy into other things that they find edifying to them, and the choice to be single came along with that. Being single doesn’t mean lonely, just like being married doesn’t mean happy.
- Single doesn’t mean promiscuous: Stop equating single status with a woman who must be sleeping around since she does not have a man. This is just not true. If she’s interested in dating and settling down, help her do that with someone she will be happy with- not just someone to “remedy her of this disease of being single.”
To the women who continue to say, “That’s why you’re single” and mean it in such a negative way, let me say this: No, …for the reasons you feel that some women are single, you are wrong. But since you brought it up:
Maybe you should thank those women who are single, as a lot of them are the reasons that your husband returns home! That is because the woman that you are holding to such a negative light, is the woman that is telling your husband how to go home to you and ignite the fire. She’s telling him that he should remember all the good reasons he married you and to try making it work! She’s the one who’s ignoring his advances to take her on trips that you don’t even get to go on. She’s on the receiving end of flowers, cards, candy and jewelry, that she sent back to him. She’s the one ignoring the offers for vacation and spoils that he told you that he doesn’t have the money for. She’s the one who being offered to spend Valentine’s Day with him, while he tells you that he has to work late. All of which, that single woman turned down.
I am single because I am raising a child, a boy at that, who needs my undivided attention and I am just fine with that. That could be the next woman’s reason as well. (whatever her focal point is in her life right now)
Stop side-eyeing the single woman. They are no more of a threat to your marriage and life, than a married woman is. We know that because of the number of swingers and open marriages and infidelity that exist within marriages. This is not a single woman’s baggage. It’s yours! Deal with it and stop belittling a woman because she has made a choice to be single.
Now you can come up with all the flack you’d like to, about how the above does not matter and how the man doesn’t really want her, she’s just a good time, he’s still going home to you at the end of the night. But damn, does that make you feel better? Does that make it better? Is that your life? Are you really ok with a man who does any of the above, as long as he’s returning home to you at the end of the night? Well, maybe that’s why you’re married and not the single girl. Be careful with your ego. A single woman could ask you the same question: Why are you married? As you say to them “That’s why you’re single” they could reply, “That’s why you’re married.”
Lean in close for this one: Between you and I, you never really know if someone is single or not. You see, some women have figured out how to make their relationship last, and that comes with keeping those intimate details out of the public light….IJS…
Read full article at CAFEMOM – NIEDRIAKENNY