7 Simple Summer Must Haves for Every Savvy Girl

Springtime is saying goodbye quicker than it came to us this year. With that, Summertime is Bo-guarding’ it’s way into our lives faster than we can pack away the clutter.  Have you thought about how you will be spending the summer? It’s OK if you haven’t. So long as you have thought about the things you will need to get you through the Summer, it doesn’t matter what you end up doing or where you end up going. Here are my suggestions:

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A great pair of sunglasses: Every Savvy girl needs a chic pair of sunglasses to protect her eyes from the sometimes-dangerous sunrays and overcast. Not to mention, accessories are a wardrobe staple and just what you need to top off that glamorous look that you will be sporting; whether its in your yoga pants while making a run to the store or headed out to brunch with the girls where you’ll be soaking up the sun from the rooftop deck or patio of some mouthwatering establishment. But listen… Some of my favorite sunglasses cost $5-$10, so you don’t have to spend upwards of that to achieve the look of a small fortune. When you keep the cost between $5-$10, you can splurge a little on a few more pair for the summer. If you are a hat person, top off this look with a nice one. Summer always has room for a Diva Hat! (Big Floppy Hat)

adults,

Sunscreen: If there were any lessons taught to me on my trip to The Bahamas, it was that the SUN did not come to play! When it says its hot outside and the sun is out, that is fair warning that you need to protect your skin. After one day in the Bahamas, I was already 3 shades redder. My face is still recovering from the sun, as I made the mistake of laying out without any coverage. It only took about 20 minutes for the burn to occur. Tanning is great, but I don’t think anyone wants to be burned. With adequate sunscreen coverage, you can accomplish your bronzing without the pain of a lingering sunburn. Not to mention, your skin will thank you years later. Pack a small bottle in your purse if you plan on doing any outdoor activities including but not limited to, the beach, the pool, the park, walking and hiking trails. Since were on the subject, don’t forget to pick up a lip balm with SPF 30 to ensure that your lips also get the coverage and moisture that they need for protection against the sun.

Red

Conditioner: Speaking of the damage that the sun can do, you will want to invest in a good hair conditioner for your hair. Whether its long and straight/wavy, short, curly or coiled or a combination of all; moisture is what it will need to keep from breaking or becoming brittle and damaged. This may vary across the board of course. The key is finding the right one for your hair type and there are several out there. I have found my fountain of luck in The TRESemmé Flawless Curls collection for Naturally Curly hair and it has worked wonders in keeping my curls hydrated! I have also used Garnier Fructis Butter Cream, which is a 3-day moisture for defined frizz resistant curls. These products lock in moisture and keep my hair safe against the sun while maintaining the look I am going for throughout the day. When consistent with using it, your hair builds up strength against the weather.

Assorted

Sandals/ flip flops: Yes! Remember that “look” I talked about. Never underestimate the power of a good walk in a comfortable pair of sandals or flip flops with a long sundress, a sleeveless jumpsuit, or romper. Every Savvy girl must have at least one pair heading into the summer. Wonderful thing about flops and sandals are that they come in many neutral colors and can be cross-worn with a majority of your summer wardrobe selections.

A lifesaver Bag: A few years ago, I proposed a blog challenge to readers called “What’s in Your Purse” The idea was to discover the things that women carry in their purse and by what’s in their purse, we could tell them what they were ready for. IE: If you had a B/C Powder, you were prepared for a hangover. It was a truly funny assignment in seeing some of the non-sense that we carry around and when faced with the question of, “Why in the HECK do we have that”, you really should have heard some of the creative stories we came up with. But anyhow, I poured out the contents of a bag that I carried and couldn’t believe the things that fell out. I was appalled at how prepared I was for the world to come to an end. LOL. JK…. But I truly was prepared. From that, I aptly began to call it “The Lifesaver Bag”

Six

This bag has come in handy on some many occasions. From being stranded in airports on long layovers, to being out late and having to stay over at a friend’s house, to last minute trips where I would not have to shop for items I already had at home. So, what exactly goes into a lifesaver bag? Whatever you need that will fit into a small bag that you can throw into the trunk of the car. I just use the largest purse I have. In it, goes the travel sized hygiene kit/fem products and travel size items that can be easily slipped into a pocket, such as: Lotion, Deodorant, B/C Powder, Tweezers, Tide Pen, Gel, Hairspray, Wipes, Body Spray, Powder, Soap, Razor, underwear and a change of clothes. Seriously, just trust me on this one. Keep it in the car always.

Trunk Kit: So, the above blog challenge didn’t stop at the “What’s in your Purse” Challenge. It extended itself to the “What’s in your trunk” Challenge. Both challenges worked the same, so without further ado: An Umbrella, Pic-Nic Blanket and a Lawn Chair were the three things that I always keep in my trunk as I never know when my child will want to stop and take 6 solid hours in the park. I must always be prepared! Perhaps you don’t have

alcohol,

A GOOD Drink: What kind of Savvy would I be if I did not mention a Summer Cool Down! This is not limited to Wine… Liquor, because I do realize that there are people who refrain from drinking. And while I am not one of them, because I take my wine red and prefer a glass or two each week; I can suggest many cold Teas and Lemonades that will keep you refreshed this summer. Don’t forget a good Alkaline water and if I had my preference for any water, it would be Essentia or Fiji. Ahhh…. Refreshing and hydrating…Now, you are ready!

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Here’s What You Need To Know If You Are Headed To The Pool or Beach this Summer

It’s that time of the year again where children are excited about getting out of school, taking a family vacation and just being away from the classroom for a while. For the adults, summer trips are being planned to the beach, water parks and community pools to escape the heat. This means neighborhood and community pools and parks are gearing up to host hundreds of children throughout these hot, summer months to aid in the cool down. There’s something you need to think about as you head off to these bodies of water: Water Safety!

People Near Sea

This includes learning how to swim. Getting your hair wet is not a good enough reason to not learn/know how to swim if you are going to be headed to pools and beaches this summer. I hate to be the one to say it, but this topic came to mind after so many years of swimming myself and learning that a lot of women and their children do not know how to swim and do not care to learn to swim due to the fear of their hair “getting wet” messing up perms, damaging their hair from the harsh chemicals that are in pools. However, everyone wants to take a dip, float around and lay out in 12 feet of water on a floating device that if accidentally tipped, they wouldn’t know what to do.

Girl Wearing Green Wet Suit Riding Inflatable Orange Life Buoy on Top of Body of Water

It’s a sensitive topic, I know. Because usually when you make mention of someone’s hair as it relates to water and the hairdo- someone is bound to talk about how much it cost to get their hair done and how they do not want to waste “all that money” at the beauty shop, just for their child or themselves to jump into the water and mess it up. I get it. I wouldn’t want to either. However, if I am going to make the choice to go to the beach or pool, where I know that I am going to get into water, there’s a chance that my hair will get wet. Knowing how to swim is important enough to my survival and safety…more so than my hair is. I am saying that even when you go and wear a cap or have your hair up with no intention on submerging your head, there’s always the possibility of going under and you still want to be able to swim your way out.

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On a trip to LEGOLAND last year, I learned with my own child that you cannot always rely on a lifeguard. Neither should you. It was my own vigilance at the pool and my ability to swim, which rescued him, as the Life-guards stood by watching and others were pre-occupied with talking to each other, distracted by their cell phones and never knew anything happened.

I don’t want to run drowning statistics on you, neither do I want to create a fear that we are never to go into the water again. But I would like to convey that it is a serious matter. While there are several people who drowned who were able to swim, it was under harsh and extreme circumstance. Most drownings were due to an inability to swim.

For the most part, children love water: They love to play in it, jump in it and often underestimate the dangers that surround water. When they see water, the first thing that want to do is run and jump in it.

Three Boy's Jumping Into the Water

Then, there are the children who are fearful of water even being splashed in their face. When I see them, I wonder to myself why are they even in the pool right now? (Unless they are in a swimming class, which I strongly encourage) The first lesson of swimming is that you are going to get your face wet. So, in getting them used to it, we would start with water splashing.  Remove those small fears and it creates an avenue for the beginner lessons to begin, such as putting your face in the water, holding your breath underwater, being comfortable with being submerged in the water…. etc.

adorable, beach, beautiful

Getting back to the hair: In a related article I offered suggestions about a great conditioner for the hair. This was an item that I personally use, but not on a selling trip… merely making the point that a good conditioner may tackle the issues of hair and pool/beach. Invest in a good coverage swim cap. Condition your hair daily, so that the parts that do get wet are safe. Sign up for a beginner’s swim class. Learn to swim.

Additionally, there are hair products such as Aqua Guard pre-swim, which act as a protect layer that you can use on the hair prior to getting into the water. There’s also a product called Ion Swimmers leave in and Surf Cream Rinse Conditioner. These products are designed for protecting the hair against the chemicals in the water. Too much hair for a swim cap? That’s cool…. Leave the cap off and explore those conditioner and pre-pool conditioner options. You can always explore the idea of braids for your child while they are learning to swim or for when your beginner swimmer heads into the water. This will help tremendously with the tangles. Tie the hair up in a tight ball while braided to decrease the number of loose hairs that would get tangled.

The Wrap Up: If we know that even the strongest swimmer can drown, we know that the possibility of drowning increases as we put non-swimmers in beaches and pools without proper training and techniques or even the basics of breathing and staying afloat. With that, it begs the question of why you would allow a child in or around any body of water when they cannot swim? Especially if you cannot swim either.

Girl Wearing Pink and Blue Floral One-piece Bikini Suit

We can tackle these numbers this year by making sure that all children take basic water safety and beginners swim class. Adults can also join in on the fun! You can still get your Friday night hairdo and skip the water for the duration of the time that your style will last but take time in those weeks where you are waiting for an appointment, to make sure that you learn to swim if the pool and beach is on your radar for summer fun.

Suggestions for Swim Class: American Red Cross, YMCA, Boys & Girls Club of America, Private Lessons int eh community and neighborhood, Community Colleges and Summer Programs. There is a plethora of options.

Why I personally Love “Red Table Talk” with Jada Pinkett – Smith

It’s no secret that my new favorite weekly episodic Facebook Watch show is Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith along-side her daughter Willow and Jada’s mother Adrienne, also known as Gammy. It’s about three generations of women sharing stories while being very open, honest and transparent about Red Table topics of discussion, which range from marriage, divorce, blended families and loss, to name a few. #AllOnTheTable

While there have only been two episodes to air so far, with the very first episode being May 7th, 2018; it has already offered so much insight, inspiration and empowerment while garnering the attention of an audience comprised of women and men, young and old, of all backgrounds.

When the first episode aired, I was interested in seeing how the relationship between Jada and Will’s first wife, Sheree Fletcher, unfolded, because Will Smith was still married when he began to date Jada and had a young son, Trey, by his estranged wife Sheree. While I yearned to hear more than what was offered in the short episode, it was jam-packed with heat-felt moments, revelations and testimonies about things of the past and how these women came to the point of realization that only one thing mattered; that was that “this is happening.”

Jada, being the new woman and wife was all about blending families. She was very young and under the impression that she could pick the ball up from right where it was and seamlessly continue to carry it without fail. She was ready to accept that Will Smith came with a son and that son had a mother, who would be a part of that package. She was well within her right to want something so perfect, especially when ideally, it’s what we all want to happen when we are in the head-space that this is how it should happen.

Then there is the reality side of things where blending doesn’t mean that problems go away and that whatever one person says, the other person will agree with.

“Do you remember that conversation we had on the phone that one time?” Pinkett Smith asked Fletcher. “They were fighting words.”

Fletcher said she had called the house to speak with her then-3-year-old son Trey, whom she shares with Smith, when Pinkett Smith answered the phone.

“Very few times in my life I can recall being checked real hard where I didn’t have nothing to say,” said Fletcher. “But you weren’t out of line.”

Fletcher admitted that she wasn’t “respectful” when she called, and Pinkett Smith didn’t take kindly to her attitude.

“You basically let me know, ‘I don’t really appreciate your tone,’ ” she recalled. “And you hung up on me.”

When Fletcher called back, things only escalated.

“I happened to say, ‘B—- you living in the house I picked out,” said Fletcher. “You said, ‘It’s my house now.’ ”

Pinkett Smith said things got so heated that her husband had to step in.

“Will Smith let me have it,” said Pinkett Smith. “His take was, ‘That is Trey’s mother and that’s just not your place.’ ”

Here’s where I say that I have a great deal of respect for a man who has respect for the mother of his child and whom has the decency and integrity to speak up and correct a situation when he knows that someone is out of line.

I commented on the post after hearing this, where I said that this is what it takes sometimes. It takes the man to say, “Hey… that’s my child’s mother and you are out of line.” When the man in the situation does not shut stuff like this down, the constant bickering and disrespect will not only get worse, it will linger into the demise of the relationship between parties, causing resentment and pain to become the foundation and prevent future opportunities for communication to occur.

“The beginning between us was rough”, Jada tells Sheree in the episode, which focuses on motherhood. “Here’s the one thing I will say in hindsight, because I did not understand marriage, I didn’t understand divorce, I will say that I probably should’ve fell back.”

“You think?” Sheree smiles.

Jada went on to explain, “I would’ve fell back because I feel like when Will and I first started dating, you know, I had this thing in my mind, I was like, ‘Oh OK, well you did that and that’s done.”

Sheree then asks Jada, “Oh, you thought it was done?”

“Right!” Jada replies. “That part, see that’s where I was wrong. Now being a married woman, and if Will and I were to get divorced now, my God!”

Jada tells Sheree that she now recognizes some of her insensitive and inconsiderate actions in regards to her and Will unwinding a marriage.

I could relate to both women in this discussion equally. It’s crazy how in this situation, Jada being the “new woman” who was prematurely trying to bridge the gap and blend the families… whereas in my own situation, I was the one… the “child’s mother”, who was prematurely trying to welcome the new girl and bridge the gap. Strange huh? Lol…Well, Jada acknowledged that her efforts were a little before the times. So, perhaps in doing this myself, I was a little before the time.

I was all in on trying to co-parent and trying to blend the family once I became aware of her existence and the fact that she too had children from a previous relationship. This is where I was much like Jada. It did not occur to me that this woman may not have wanted to blend and blending right then, as other things were taking place, was not where her head was at. (So, in my situation, the roles were kind of reversed). When I made request after request to meet this woman whom I was excited about knowing, to create our blended family; it was never granted. Concerns about why I couldn’t meet the woman who was essentially raising my kid since he was living with his dad full time began to arise. I used to wonder, what kind of woman would do this? I would make propositions such as offering of free tickets to kid’s events in the area, access to ball games, activities etc. where she could take her children or where they could all go to as a family.

But then I realized that it could be for so many other reasons that I had not met her at the time. Maybe they were working out some kinks on their own. Another reason: Since all my request went through my child’s father, I had to explore the thought that the new girl had no idea about the efforts I was making to meet her and know that we were on the same page when it came to my son who was only 3-years old at the time. Sadly, it was that his dad was standing between us meeting, for fear that something about his past and current situation would come up.

When everything is out on the table, as Will Smith put it, there’s no reason for anyone to cover up, stand in the way of or prevent a relationship between his ex-wife, mother of his toddler child/children and the new woman/girlfriend wife… I believe that is what made it so much easier for Will- no secrets and setting boundaries. I also believe that if my ex could simply understand that I had/have zero desire speak to his girlfriend about anything non-related to my child, he would not be so afraid. I’ve always welcomed her existence.

I enjoyed watching Jada and Sheree air this episode because it still offered hope. In seeing the two of them in the lovely state of womanhood, handling and resolving issues, being open with putting it #AllOnTheTable is beautiful to me. I must give credit to Will Smith for not standing in the way of this happening. It shows that his interests are, and have always been, in creating and fostering an environment for his child/children to grow.

Follow Niedria on Twitter and check out her website for more.

Chapter 40: Gratitude Changes Everything (Still Standing)

Can I be honest with you? Do I have your permission to be vulnerable and transparent? Is it OK if I share something with you?

adult, blur, businesswoman

A few short weeks ago I came across a post on Facebook that one of my acquaintances posted which solicited participation from his followers and friends. The post asked that you post your age as the Chapter of your Life, (EX: 40) followed by the title of your chapter, (EX: Over the Hill). I thought to myself wow, this is going to be fun. However, after I typed in the number 40 and attempted to add a title- nothing came to mind. A deer in a headlight moment. Then a few single-word statements came to mind. None of which could be appropriated to my chapter 40, as it pertained to what I wanted it to say.

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I was finding it difficult to do something that I thought should be so easy for me since I have all this “self-awareness” about myself. The fact that I could not come up with a title as fast as I thought I should was nerve-racking grounds for a more solemn discussion to take precedent over the fun, Facebook activity before I could proceed. Now, I could have been over-thinking this moment and maybe I was, but it made me earnestly ponder the question of why I at a loss for words? I thought I had already reached the point of Self-Actualization, so what was the problem? Wasn’t this just an exercise that simply called for a reflection of the following questions: Where are you? Or, where are you going? And, where do you want to go? How will you resume and finish this story? I mean, seriously, this is how you write any book, right? Talk about a humbling moment!

Person Wearing Gray Long-sleeved Mini Dress in Front of Green Leaf Plant

I toggled a few more titles but still, none worthy enough to adequately described or depict what my title should be in CHAPTER 40 of my life.

I couldn’t summarize it in a Chapter title, so I bargained for answers with this approach: Niedria, do you even know where you are and what you want? What do you intend on doing at this point in life? That would be your chapter title.

I had to break it down: I began to focus in on the perfect title that would describe where I am as it related to where I have been and then consider what I want and where I want to go. (Side note: Sometimes we are so caught up in where we are trying to go and what we want, that we forget that we must acknowledge where we are first because that’s our starting point or our point of continuation) So having a complete, sound, embracive and merciful understanding of where I was, was important. Being transparent, forgiving and truthful with ourselves will open the avenue for this understanding to flow.

There’s nothing wrong with knowing where you want to go or what you want, but you must know where you are first.

I arrived at a title by telling myself to instead, first come up with a title that would speak to where I am at this moment which would address the question. In doing that, I would clarify some things for myself first. And so, I decided to use a statement to describe what I have learned, which I believe is helping me to live my best life in this present moment at 40, which provided dual-purpose in moving forward: Chapter 40: Gratitude Changes Everything (Still Standing) From where I am, all I can say is that I am grateful that I am still standing.

Woman in Blue Jeans Standing on Clear Glass

I came up with the title only because I considered where I was at 20, at 25, at 30 and at 35. (Being through a lot, but having done a lot of things) Just like any book, you want the next chapter to be an extension of the last chapter, expounding more on the story. So, you must know where you are in your book. I had to scan back over my life so that I would know for myself where I was. I am still standing. That’s where I am.

Since we are in a current and constant state of living, we know that life is an “on-GROW-ing” thing until we make our final departure. All we can do to make it better, is to make sure that we are “living” out our best life. Chapter 40 is not about one thing. It’s a culmination of things that I have learned and how I am applying gratitude, to make it my best life today in order to have fulfillment in the rest of my life.

With consideration given to where I am going, what I want and what I intend on doing; I must apply gratitude. What I have learned about gratitude and how it has and is changing things is that when we recognize the lessons and value the experiences we’ve had and are able to see the good in it all and be grateful that we were chosen for those assignments which made us stronger, better and wiser-it manipulates life by altering our mindset. This new set of lenses changes our lives as we are then able to elevate to a higher state of conscious awareness, acquiring the ability to then utilize everything we have learned and apply it to the next steps of life.

My life went from “You don’t know My Story” to “Let me tell you my story” to “This is my Story” to “I didn’t choose this story; this story chose me.” It’s only fair now that I’ve told my story, that you know that I am grateful for my story. That’s precisely what it is all about. So, I am grateful for the lessons, experiences, journeys, friends, family –and most of all, the good and bad of it all. I am grateful for those who told me no and those who said I couldn’t. I am grateful for those who supported me and were equally happy to see me prevail. That gratefulness and gratitude for those things is what enables me to eradicate mendacities spoken about me. That gratitude is what authorizes me to write the next chapter.

Woman Drinking Water Beside Mountain

Switching Gears: With that, this is what I think living your best life is: It is knowing where you stand today. Deciding where you want to go from here and what it will take. Deciding what you want, no matter if it is to live more of a healthy lifestyle, pursue a more lucrative career, go back to a more simpler life, embark on a new journey or pursuit and all around doing what makes you happy despite what anyone else thinks of it. It is taking your given set of circumstance and making the absolute best of it as you continue in life and expound into new territories IE: New Chapters. You must make sure it’s the best that you can do though. Have you done the best you can with what you are working with?

On a much broader note: Living your best life works best when you concern yourself with yourself. Be selfless when it comes to helping others but selfish when it comes to taking care of yourself. Focus on what you want, stay in your lane and take care of your business. You may not be exactly where you know and feel that you need and want to be. It doesn’t mean that you’ve done something wrong. You don’t have to settle in who you are today, but you can accept who you are now and still be determined to have more in your life and live more abundantly.

Sometimes we get tossed around in the wreckage of life (divorce, break-ups, lay-offs, illness etc.) where we get lost or set back. Other times, we get caught up in the wonders of the world while living the fab life (leisurely travel, marriage, children, promotions, new homes, business ventures etc.) Whatever life we were living, it’s quite possible to forget where we are at times. The need for awareness that life is still happening when those joys or heartbreaks become things of the past is a reality that we face one day when we are trying to determine where to next. To avoid feelings of displacement, a Full assessment and inventory of our life is required. If you remember that life is on-GROW-ing, you can make changes along the way that will be conducive to the lifestyle that you want.

Everything you have done and have been through (good and bad) in your life has prepared you for this moment.

Yesterday is a chapter of the past but even if it is still a part of your story, you can turn the page into something new and improved because now it’s time for the story to go on. What would be your title?

Article originally posted on SheSavvy.com and was recently selected First Place for the “Best Life” writing contest.

The Who What When Where and Why that you may want to concern yourself with

Woman Wearing Grey Jumpsuit Standing Beside Brown Metal Gate

When, Where & What:

In the spirit of being our own constant reminder that we are valuable, purposeful and destined for greatness, we must have what I refer to as a safe space. A safe place can be of physical form (a park, a body of water, your closet, a hobby) or mental form (meditation through yoga or being still) and it is a place that you retire to in any moment where you feel torn apart, broken, stagnant, confused, hurt, defeated, berated and belittled in your life. It’s a place where you go to find peace, relax, relate and release through talking out loud, thinking things through, practicing breathing techniques, being alone to recharge or rejuvenate, calm down and re-center yourself to emerge like the phoenix.

Woman Wearing Gray Short-sleeved Shirt at Daytime

Why:

The reason we must cultivate an atmosphere in our lives for such a space/place to exist is because if we rely on someone to do this for us, they may not be available for us one day. Not because they don’t want to be, but perhaps because they can’t be for one reason or another. (They are sick themselves, going through and processing their own set of issues, on a trip, extended vacation, at work, not able to talk, in their own safe place where they cannot invite the troubled of the world in while they are taking time to themselves. etc.)

While you are there, you must keep in mind the importance of your health and well-being, being the single most important thing for your survival.

Photo of Woman Holding Her Lips While Sitting

Also keep in mind that this place does not replace the need to talk to another individual who may be able to aid and offer guidance to us through our troubles, along with perspectives, advice and wisdom. It’s merely a place that we can rely on, in the absence of that individual that will sustain us. In my Christian Faith, they will say… it’s where you “have a little talk with Jesus.” This conversation transpires internally. Reach deeply within, where that seed of faith is and nourish it. This is where your confidence, safety and security rest. Bring it back to the forefront in this time and trust yourself with your life. Knowing that you can and will overcome these thoughts and situations which have tried to steal your joy and seal your fate.

Shifting Gears completely on the WHO:

Who:

We cannot allow the people who are around us to constantly tear us down, beat up down, bring us down, push us down and keep us down. Sometimes we must rise above, by cutting those people off who are wired with “fuggery” (in my Redd Foxx voice) as they have no good intentions. This is all stuff that we know but just need to speak it, hear it or be reminded of it from time to time.

You are headed in a direction where those people cannot go, so again I say THEY WILL NOT UNDERSTSAND AND YOU HAVE TO STOP EXPLAINING IT OR TRYING TO PROVE YOURSELF.

Woman Wearing Orange Pullover Hoodie Sitting on Chair's Arm

Sometimes growth is forced upon you and it requires you to move out of a place where people are keeping you down. They are not in your shoes. No one is saying that you are to walk around with delusions of grandeur, but it is ok to feel that you are moving in a direction that someone else is not equipped to go, based on the things they are doing to you. It’s ok to say that you are better than your circumstance. It is ok to say that you are not about a life where you constantly seek approval through proving yourself to the people around who don’t believe you anyway. And it’s perfectly ok to know that you are better than people who constantly live in a state of jealousy, envy, spite and malice. You are not that person and you don’t understand them just as they don’t understand you. This is what makes you “different” perhaps if not better. Its ok to have the revelation that for what you are trying to do and where you are headed does not allow for people like that.

Woman With Black-and-white Sweater With Pants Sitting on Black Leather Sofa Beside Red Painted Wall

Stop looking back:

Sometimes people reach out just to be nosey. And because we have this natural desire to stay connected or to remain “loyal” to our roots, (old friends) we reach back with a response. However, their intention is just to make sure you are not doing better than them. It’s to get an “update” on your life so that they will have something to talk about. It’s not a sincere concern to see how good you are doing and it’s not to motivate, encourage or to inspire. Toxic people reach out when they know you are doing better but they want to say something to you that will have you doubting yourself. It has nothing to do with you. They are dealing with where they are in life and because they are not happy about that, they want to bring you down. And sometimes their contacting you, is to give you an update on themselves because they need to feel sufficient. Again, nothing to do with you. It’s their insecurities.

It happens. It happened to me recently. Someone asked me a personal question. I answered it – even after answering, they took that opportune time to slide in an unsolicited assumption on what they thought the truth was and completely ignored the answer I gave because they were determined to take that jab. This tells me that they have been sitting around worrying about what I am doing and had already come to their own conclusion which was more satisfying to their state of misery. When they heard a truth different from what they presumed, because they are conditioned the way they are which is anchored in an ugly spirit; they insisted on with their assumption. This was something that they just had to get out, in order to feel better about themselves.

People will question what you do because it seems so impossible for them or it’s not possible for them from where they are standing.  This is a sign that you are entertaining the wrong group of people and when you are doing that, you cannot be living your best life.

Woman Wearing Black Sleeveless Top With Green Hardtail Bicycle at the Back

Sometimes people force on you the feeling that you should show and prove something to them and that shouldn’t be your burden. It’s not your lot in life to make miserable people happy. If someone asks you something and your answer is yes, but they say no it’s not … just say OK. If they say you are anything other than what you know you are, just say ok, walk away and cut them off. They have shown you who they are, and it is now your responsibility to take charge of what you allow and accept in your life. If they say anything at all that speaks against who you are- you absolutely must know that this is the point where you cross the bridge without them.

Why even entertain this kind of mind trash OR this trash can individual? Wish them well and keep it moving. Be selfish in your right to move through life without carrying with you those people who do not mean well.

Generally speaking, “People will second guess the truth and wouldn’t think twice about a lie” so you can not stop to address every, single thing that a person has said, heard or thought about you. Leave it alone.

Can A Writer Have A Relationship?

Can A Writer Have A relationship?

erotic, legs, sexy

Of course, they can. We see many writers who maintain healthy relationships that have become lifelong commitments with an added value of experience as well as excitement because of their creative abilities. At the same time, the trials that the writers face in relationships seem to be much of the same across the board. Not so much regarding their need to stay up late and write during the times that everyone else is asleep or the mental/physical spaces that they need to go to focus on their next masterpiece. Even though, those are things considered to be fundamental, trademark trials of a writer. Not to mention the potential writers block that may last for months into years when they lose their natural ability of creative flow. In my most recent writers work shop, I asked, “What are some of the common questions writers get from their companion or significant other, whether in the beginning of the relationship when they are in the get to know, or if they were in established relationships; where they began to take up a career in writing.”

adult, beautiful, beauty

With special regard to novel writing and short stories, the number one question next their partner/friend asking, requesting or insinuating that they wanted to be in one of the stories, they were always asked if the story is fact or fiction. It’s not all bad when someone wants to be a part of the story, especially if there is a story there worth writing. You have also just received their consent to be talked about.

However, when writers get the forbidden question that requires truth about if the story includes details of their own life, prior to their relationship and beyond –it gets tricky. This is when the question of, can a writer have a relationship weighed in. Many writers write things that are fantasy or based on real life, or both and a mix of both. They generally take real foundation as a base and then add details to make it meaty. Some take the meat of a fantasy and add in details for length and balance for the story. You may even read the work of a writer that is entirely truth, but they have registered it as fiction. I don’t think we will ever know, and that is what makes a story great or at least gives the work an element of mystique outside the theaters or television.

Woman in Red Two-piece Bikini Lying on Bed Beside of White and Pink Roses

Some things you really do need to leave to the imagination. I also believe a well written fiction that can be believed, shows signs of an exceptional story because you do want your readers to identify. When they can relate, they indulge more in the material.

Back to the question. It was those stories that involve sex or a relationship, someone in love-all surrounding the woman or man having some degree of involvement with another main character, where elements of romance and seduction are explored; that piqued the interest of their companions’ interest to ‘need or want’ to know if it was fact or fiction.

Some women writers also concurred that a question of their character as a real person would be presented it they were mothers or pillars of the community or have been seen or viewed as pristine and near perfect. It would be a primitive way of thinking if we expected everyone to consider us virgins. Especially since we are mothers or married or in a monogamous relationship. You have to write without those inhibitions.

Woman In Black Brassiere Lying Down on Bed With Rats

Why do you think story lines such as the ever so popular TV Show, ‘Being Mary Jane’, has topped the charts? This is not to say you must bare all. I am speaking to those ladies who have a knack for writing and an interest in pouring into a book or piece of literary material, the things that others are afraid of talking about. Let’s face it, when a woman or man write racy sex scenes through a series of sex in the city, one-night stand material, your companion is going to ask a few questions. I believe you must become the character or at least identify with the character, to write the perfect and most realistic fiction. Whether I do that or not, will continue to remain a mystery. As for the relationship, I guess you have to stay tuned for the last chapter; where the final scene will reveal all.

love lust and regrets

The premise of the book “Love Lust and Regrets” which I wrote in 2015, was based off the above article which I also wrote in 2015. The article received feedback from writers as well as individuals who were dating and even married to writers, where they expressed opinions and offered advice of their own. Since it was an article that was widely received, I used it as a preset for the book. Read it here on Amazon

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The Substance is in the Sea

Once you realize that having what you need, is in what wants and needs you, and is where the real love is found, though embedded deeply in the mind body and soul of your other half ….like hidden jewels…precious stones, untrodden roads, hidden pathways, tranquil parks and undiscovered wonders of the world; by which you create bonds through life experiences, whereby the reward is happiness….you realize that you behold the beauty of what love really is.

You then know that you have something preeminent in the palm of your hand. And that revelation, that epiphany , is a sign of growth, in that you are ordained to a horizontal equivalent, by virtue of bountifully maturing enough into a quintessential frame of mind, where you have the mental capacity and obligatory wherewithal to handle the authority of love. You’ve truly arrived to a profound place, because you now know that you do have what you want- because all we want is to love and to be love.

The substance is never found on the surface. Not the good substance. The only substance that sits in such a shallow place is more than likely something toxic.

The real substance is at the bottom of the sea. That’s where the mystery unfolds. The deepest part of your heart is like the deepest part of the ocean, and when someone is brave enough to go there,

it’s worth sharing the treasures buried deeply within. ~Niedria