Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships

When What They Meant For Bad, Turned Out For Your Good, But Now They Mad

Have you ever found yourself in a place where something tragic happened, which turned out to be something as equally good? When it happened, you were devastated on many levels and you could not get your mid around it. You couldn’t not believe the betrayal involved, the dishonesty, the manipulation, the evil and vindictive ways of someone and how their action caused you the friends that were lost, loss of employment, loss of career in which stunted your growth for a while and brought on many hindrances in moving forward in your career by staining your reputation and ultimately demolishing everything you had worked for, achieved and built. Their action caused the loss of your business connections and weakened your opportunities in the process. You couldn’t believe how something so impossible could happen to you. It was downright wrong and no reasonable explanation as to how it could have happened, was in your line of view.

You were in a place that you could not explain it to anyone, and even when you did, they didn’t believe you because it was so impossible that they could not phantom it for themselves. So, in the end, you looked as though you were making it all up. You appeared as though you were leaving something out. You were viewed as the one who was not being honest and forthcoming about all the details of what transpired. This impossible action brought on grave circumstances in which you never thought you would overcome. You were in a place where you could not see the beginning from the end. You were stuck in the middle of just existing in life. It was no way to unravel what had been done.

I bet you never looked at it as GOD’s way of cleaning house. Have you ever heard the expressions, “I asked GOD to protect me from my enemies and I started losing friends?” or “We Plan. GOD Laughs?” “When You Are Down To Nothing, GOD Is Up To Something”

Here’s an example: He got you pregnant and then decided that he didn’t want a child. So, you became a single mom overnight. You still smiled, and it bothered him that you accepted the challenge. After-which, he fought you in court to gain custody and to evade paying child support.

He told you that you would be nothing without him and his money and he added that no man would want (A woman with a kid) He dug deeper into your flesh when he said that you’ve been tarnished because you are now a single mother.

He stood on his title, stability in the workplace and financial status to solidify his claim as the better parent. He won in court.

Now, he has all the responsibilities that you had but he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t want that kind of responsibility. He especially doesn’t want the responsibility if it means more freedom for you.

He told you that he wouldn’t need child support from you if he had custody, because he has all the money- but now he’s not only begging you for child support, but he’s requesting it be raised.

He hated you and called you out for being a single mom, but now he has the burdens that he said no man would want you for; which is that he now dates a woman who has two kids of her own.

He didn’t want to pay child support, but now he see the cost of food, education, entertainment, school, clothes, medical, travel and daily expenses of having a child- but he also has the additional two kids, plus the woman, that he must do for in his new relationship. (way more than he would have paid in child support to you)

He can’t walk away from his relationship, because he used it to show that he had a “stable family at home.” Also, if he walks away or allows her to leave, he will look like a double failure and all the truths will be exposed. So, he must continue to buy/purchase her company to keep her around. He must keep her there to keep up the façade. And he hates it. (This cost money)

He dogged you for being a single mom all to find out that a relationship with a Single Mom, is all that he qualifies for, for himself. SIDEBAR: I am no rocket scientist, but its beginning to look like I am being hated because what he once told me, is happening to him. No woman wants a Single father- unless she’s a single mother herself. So now he has exactly what he criticized me about. And perhaps he has come to the realization that there aren’t many women out there who don’t have kids at our age. Perhaps he realized that those women without kids, aren’t looking for a man with baggage.

He invaded your professional spaces with slanderous statements and libelous actions that caused you to lose your place. He constantly pushed for corruption over your life, so that you would not be able to provide for yourself or your child and he won that battle. But he was not happy to see you smile through it all.

When someone wins everything that they asked for and they still are not happy with the outcome, it is because all that they took from you, was meant to paralyze your faith, steal your smile and cripple your existence. And it may have been the case for a while, but you kept smiling and believing. You found your footing and your bearings in life to do it all over again. You continued to smile and that irked the mess out of those who came to kill, steal and destroy. So, they are unhappy about your happiness and your success and most of all, your existence. Because for them, they know that you get to look at them being unhappy in a situation that was meant to bring you that kind of unhappiness.

You went on to secure a better position in the workforce. You remained grounded in faith and your prayers availed. You realized what the ultimate plan on your life was and how all of this was not in vain. You realized that vindication was not yours. You realized that there’s a reason for everything happening in your life, when all those connections and bridges were cut and burned. You begin to see the path. You went on to find happiness in a relationship with someone who loves your child. You went on to have the freedom and luxury that comes from not having the responsibility of having to look out for a child every moment of the day- While he, inherited the curse that he attempted to place on you.

He ended up with triple the hell from what he stole from you and now he’s drunken with hatred for you. He is feasting on his own insides, as he staggers and slowly fade away.

My advice to you is to remain humble. Forgive him, as you probably have which is why he has no more power over you and you have been able to keep it moving. Keep believing. Never stop smiling. Continue to move forward and trust the slow and steady process. Don’t gloat. Don’t brag. Just wait. Just watch.

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Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships, Travel

5 Ways My Life Has Changed, Since My Son Has Been Living With His Dad: The Pros And The Cons

  1. My schedule is random unless my is visiting on the weekend. When he’s home with me, I provide the stability and the structure as well as discipline that he needs, by following a schedule to keep him on track with bed time, dinner, breakfast, play time, reading etc. It was a schedule that I implemented for him long before he was living with his dad. Now that he’s gone, I sleep in, I eat out, I cook less, and I eat whenever and whatever I want. I take longer naps, make runs to the store at any time throughout the day, no matter how late. I can travel more if I’d like to and not worrying about who would take him to school and pick him up, or even the fact that he would have to miss school. I can take last minute media assignments, make last minute plans, and spare of the moment trips out of town/ in town or even out of the country. Overall, I have free time to pursue many endeavors.
  2. Anxiety: For a while, I had my anxiety under control. I did not experience anxiety on this level at all, prior to having a child. It was not until my child was taken from me, over an accusation, proven to be false; which left me in such a helpless and anxious place. It was because I could not help my child. I could not do anything to give him what he asked for, which was to stay with me. That is when I began to experience anxiety again. The decision on who he would live with, did not rest in my authority. It was not in my hands and no one asked my son where he wanted to be. The reason the anxiety heightened and escalated to the place where I am today, is because over the last 4-years, I became aware of things that were taking place, when my son was not in my care and after hearing so many things, it caused my anxieties to soar through the roof. While most of this, is a thing of the past, it was traumatic for me, and I still live with it, constantly finding ways to cope; reposing in the assurance that everything happens for a reason, and I have seen some of the advantages and blessings come out of it all.

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.” ― Mother Teresa

  1. Parks will never be the same: One of my son and I favorite pastime was to go to the park. We discovered just about every park there was, in the city. We settled on two, to call own, which were closest to the house. I spent many flex-days there with him and while he would play, I caught a spot under the tree. Today, it’s hard to drive by those parks. It’s hard to sit in those parks, work out, run around or walk around those trails. It’s a real challenge to be there, if other children are there. I have been in a place, where I couldn’t watch the other kids play, without breaking down. Though I am getting better with regards to seeing other children, I have yet to overcome the anxieties of going to those parks without my Bambino. When I do have him, we still make the most of our time. I found another park to create memories at, until the time comes…
  2. Insomnia: In other words, I cannot sleep at night…. Literally. (due to the anxiety) At times, I have been up 48 hours straight. That had a lot to do with the anxieties as well. Constantly worrying about where my kid was, who he was with and if he was OK. I had been fed some things by the Amicus on our case, in which she thought to be disturbing. Naturally, it disturbed me at that point as well. For 4 years of constantly hearing more and more, I was finding that my nights were getting longer and longer. Time passed like molasses. I would lay down with every intention of sleeping, but couldn’t make it happen. Still, to this very day, I have nightmares, terrible dreams that wake me from my sleep, where I fall to the floor and pray that my child is OK. He may be doing terrific! And that’s what I hope, but until I can get over the thought of anything happening to him, I will be woke.
  1. I have more Me Time: Me time has showed to be my best friend. It’s A time to get back to me, and focus on improvement. There’s always room for improvement, right? And since I do have severe anxiety and insomnia, it gives me the opportunity to work on getting myself back to a place, where I am rested, refreshed and refined. It allows me the time I need to “talk” about why I can sleep, why I have so much anxiety, why I stopped traveling as much, why I don’t leave the house as much, why I can’t sit in the park and watch other children play, or why I cannot do anything about what has transpired, but that I can find ways to cope with it. Me Time, gives me the space and time I need to do my make up again, do my hair again, celebrate myself again, in all that I do. Me Time helps me get back to the business of this empire and to pamper myself, heart, mind, body and soul. Me Time has encouraged me to get out of the house and to get active in the world again.

Article Originally posted Here, On Working Mother

Parenting, Relationships

FREEZE! Drop The Assumption, Put Your Hands Up And Slowly Back Out Of The Room (as seen on cafemom.com)

As seen on CafeMom.com

email tb

 

It is clear by my response, shown in the image of the message which is featured here in this article, that my blood began to boil, behind what I was being accused of. It would be “reasonable to conclude” that I appear to go off the deep end here. However, what you do not see, is how it lead into this. Typical… typical to conclude one thing, based on the part you do see. (and then he ends it with, “Please do not receive this with malice) wow! How  should I receive it then?frustrated

This would be the reason, as to why I used this as an example. It’s the classic “Poke The Bear” moment, where someone pokes the bear, then they jump back, and hide themselves, so that the reaction of the bear is what’s on display.

angry

It can also serve as an example of: The Straw, That Broke The Camel’s Back. I used this example in writer’s workshop, to show a range of things and the points were all made clear, when the rest of the information was shared. In doing so, it teaches the students how major and minor details are important to any story. It shows how any little detail, be it added or omitted details, can change the overall read of the story. A few more strokes of the pink paintbrush, can change the portrait.

So, lets back up to 55 days ago. Everything was going great, as I would describe it. I’d written about the closure I had in finally having a “final custody order” in place. RELATED ARTICLE

Even though I did not necessarily agree with the way it turned out, all I was in seek of, was something final-so that I could continue without my life being in limbo. I would be able to finally do what I needed to do, without restrictions of living in one place over the next, or going and coming as I pleased, to make a living for myself. I obviously wrote about the lies that were told in court and pointed to legitimate reasons to conclude that it was an injustice. (Related Article)

However, it was the end to a 5-year ordeal, which had been stifling in my career and personal life- as it hung over my head. It had costed me everything from time with my child, to having many strikes on my record, stemming from erroneous and false charges and claims as well as accusations that were made about me- by my child’s father. And I was happy to finally be out of it all! I had zero qualms. Living life and loving someone.

Everything to do with it, was detailed in articles that followed my custody hearing. (Related Article) Once I wrote it, I left it there and moved into my new place in life- and was happy to be there. I was having pleasant conversations with my child’s father- and truly thought we moved into a place, where we could be civil on the phone, instead of conversing via email all the time. I worked with the father on using my weekends with my child to have him in sports, which the dad scheduled on my weekends with my child. I sacrificed the enriching and extra-curricular activities I had planned for my child, to fulfil the dads request. I even transported my child to those events. Doesn’t seem like much huh? Well, if you knew the gravity of the estranged relationship that we had, you’d realize how BIG something like this, was, to me. (Related article) 

(Related Article) 

My life was beginning to get back in order, kid was doing good and his dad appeared to be refraining from falsely accusing me of things, and placing the bad behavior of my child on me. (Related Article)

I thought that maybe he finally realized that it’s kind of impossible for me to be the blame, for behavior that happened on his watch. As I only see my child on the 1st, 3rd and 5th Friday-Sunday. That equates to 48 hours every two weeks, 18 of which the child is asleep = (overnight X 2 Days) Child attends school of dad’s choice on dad’s side of town, which is 1.5 hours away from me, on a good day. All of this, under dad’s court order. Not my choice- but that’s what I was ordered.

Nonetheless, I speak to my child about right and wrong. I explain to him what acceptable behavior is. I am constantly nurturing his growth and taking part in his affairs, as they relate to school and play. When I speak to my son on the phone during the week, I always ask how his day went and if he says he got in trouble, I ask why. I listen to why, and I make it a point to correct it the best way any mother can, from the “telephone” as I do not have another alternative. Dad is strict on the order and constantly tells me about the “expectations of the court” so I cannot diverge from the order. Now do you understand the example, of why “I thought it was working out” Because the order says that we are to communicate using email. And here we were, having short snippet conversations about my son, so that we could show our son that we were on the same team. Well, I was duped, apparently.

slapping forehead

The day in question- with is the featured image here- shows dad flat out accusing me of something out of the clear blue sky. I was taken aback. Why would he say those things? Where is, he going with this? What’s his problem now? Was it that he became aware of the moves I was making- while he’s stuck being the parent he didn’t sign up to be? Reminded me of TRUMP…running for president, no idea he’d win, being elected, and not having the slightest clue on what to do. Let’s blame the other parent for our “parenting-fails”

My son called later that evening to say that he got in trouble again at school. Dad jumps in on the conversation and I screamed bloody-Mary (mistake? Eh’ perhaps) because I absolutely did not want to hear anything he had to say, while he was making this accusation and continuing to do so over the phone. I did not want to have any words with such an infidel, who would say this, for no apparent reason. I was insulted, to say the least. I was saddened that I thought we made all this progress, only to step back so many steps.

And so, the rest of the story unfolds below. It’s when the pot just boiled over and it all spilled out, into an email to dad:

Be careful with your accusations:

1.       You do not live with me.

2.       We do not run in the same circle

3.       You don’t go anywhere with me

4.       We never engage in conversation aside from OFW

5.       You are not my friend, or significant other

6.       You know absolutely nothing about what I do or say to my child

7.       You aren’t around when I talk to my child

8.       You have absolutely no grounds for the things you accuse me of doing

9.       I have shown nothing but support for the situation -never needing to change anything

10.   Meaning, no motive for telling my child anything in the nature of which you accuse

11.   It’s ALL IN YOUR HEAD

12.   YOU ARE PROJECTING

13.   YOU ARE BEING IRRESPONSIBLE

14.   YOU ARE A BAD PARENT, per xxxx

15.   YOU CAN NOT FACE REALITY

16.   YOU NEED CLOSURE, Per xxx

17.   YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

18.   YOU NEED HELP

19.   YOU SHOULD STOP

20.   All good reason for me to tell you that you are wrong, for making accusations that you are making

For you to say that “I need to get on board” or  “as soon as I get on noard”  is extremely WEAK and TIRED. Especially when I have nothing but proof that I have been on board. Down to the last email I sent to the school, requesting information about why my child was moved from his class. You have no life and nothing better to do with your time? Why is Deon not in counseling anymore? Why? Are you going to continue to blame this on me, when it did not start until YOU TOOK OVER? (4 school changes, due to behavior – kicked out of a Monnosori school, underwent molestation, a fake pre-school, no discipline, bouncing from sitter to sitter/nanny to nanny, transported to and from everyone house under the sun who could babysit while you went to work… neglected at home and kept away from his mother…

Please do not think for a moment that you will be able to chart yourself into court again with these falsities. It will never happen again, as I have given you your last chance to do that and get away with it. I will not walk away, to try to save your butt the next time. It will all come out.

I know that you feel invincible now, because of all that has transpired in your favor. But you do not have any more opportunities to get away with this behavior. And if you are looking for a reaction… or a rise… well, here it is. STOP. At first, I was going to keep my position- in giving you a heads up- but, because you are my sons father and I do care about you destroying yourself; I am obligated to ask you to stop- or to warn you of where you are headed with these lies, and how they will affect your life and I care, because that will ultimately affect my sons life. Stop thinking those people care about you or your son. They don’t. They would be happy to know that the whole family fell apart and that the kid is destroyed, as a result. They aren’t helping you. They are destroying your child and they are using you to do it, because you are allowing it, because you want control at all cost.

It is not practicing good parenting nor co-parenting when you come directly at me, with the things you said…..All accusations…pointing the finger…looking for a way out, to excuse your bad parenting, by placing the blame on something else. The Direct and accusatory statements are, without cause or warrant. It shows me that you fail to grow in this situation. It shows me that you are still sad and mad – but for what? It shows me that you cannot seem to move on with your life. You have complete charge, over all the things that happen. You and you alone, have created this storm. However, you got all that you bargained for- and you are still upset, looking for ways to attempt at stealing my joy. It won’t happen.

How does a man walk away with everything that I: 1. GAVE YOU 2. YOU TOOK and 3. WERE REWARDED; and still insist on tampering with my life even more? That is called UNHAPPY MAN, BITTER AND SAD MAN, Pxxx OFF MAN WHO CAN NOT CONTROL THE SITUATION ANYMORE.

Do you schedule this stuff? Like, are you home with your messages on a timer- to send on every Monday- or when things seem to be going well? Or do you still troll my social media and find that I have not missed a beat in moving on? The tricks should have been stopped at his point. The mere reason it has not, shows how unhappy you are. What else do you want? You got everything you asked for…what else do you want?

This is what you got: You got my money, raised child support, my time that cannot be replaced, you were able to stifle me for a moment, you have my child, you are the custodial parent, you have a portion of my life since I cannot get out of dealing with you until my child turns 18… you got judgement after judgement, I don’t see my son when I want or as much as I want, you have all the time with my son- I cannot do a lot of the things I used to do with him, I cannot give him the things that I used to give him,  you hold the court order over my head, you’ve given me a criminal record based on false allegations, and while it was dismissed… I STILL have a criminal record now. You’ve alienated me as a mother- giving permission to teachers to keep information from me, you have given permission to your selected caregivers to not notify me of my child’s whereabouts and I cannot talk to him when he is with them, you’ve brought great hindrance to the things I could have done, you did not have to pay for anything, you’ve convinced everyone who doesn’t know me- to believe that I am a bad dead-beat mom, you have an unfair advantage in court because you dealing with a woman who will not stop reporting the truth about the system, you stole your child’s college fund that was set aside, you cost me a lot of deals, you got every motion you wanted….why are you so mad??

Yes, I will continue to use my platform. And when that one is swiped from under me, like …Modern Mom or The Examiner (you know exactly what I am talking about) There will always be another one, waiting in the wings, because people like “Real ish.” Stop doing it, if you want me to stop writing about it! I would not have anything at all to write about, if you stop feeding me content. It is as simple as that. Quit, if you don’t like it.

My son is consciously aware, that he goes to xxxxx, Elementary. He doesn’t think in any way, that he is going anywhere other than a school that his dad chooses. You cannot use this as a reason. My son also knows that we moved. He does not talk about another school at all! Period! You’re child is acting up, because he cannot process why he is with you and not me. That is NORMAL. Any kid would want to know what’s up and he will act out until he understands. This is how a child expresses himself. You just choose to keep ignoring the truth- because you want total control.

My son and I have never discussed his teachers or principle outside of him telling me that he had been hit by the principle, in which he also advised his dad of. I absolutely told him that if it happened again, that he should let me know, and I will call the police and make a complaint- especially if his dad does not handle it. This is still true to this day, as I most certainly will! We have never talked about this ever again. He knows that no teacher should ever hit him. And in telling him this, it DID NOT convey NOR come with an impression that he can act up or hit anyone, and be without repercussion. All of this is very clear! You need to sell that toxic crap to someone who’s not smart enough to know. I don’t buy it. It is real sad that you will go from this point, and again hand your power over to an outsider, in order to see me hurt. But guess what, you’ll never have my smile or my happiness…and the tears that you will see, are still tears of joy.

Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships

I didn’t choose this story. This story chose me.

I book marked a page in a book, along with halting the process of finishing the book that I began writing a couple of years ago. I was holding off on publishing, because I wanted to see how the story would play out organically. I didn’t want to release the book to the general public, until I was able to provide the true details of what happened in the end and I did not want any cliff hangers, because I have no intention of writing a, to be continued, type of book. I wanted it to stop at the exact moment, that I had closure and leave it at that.

So in keeping with the truth of the story, there’s the explanation. What good would my book be, which is based on a true story, if the ending were false? I wanted to share an authentic story, with real factual and true information, to be considered. For me, it was the only way I would be willing to share the story – If I could do it from where I am standing, I would have accomplished my feat. What feat is that? It was one that allowed me to share my side of the story, which would lay over the overhead projector, like transparent/tracing paper. It was to get on record, my side, as well as the other side, so that I could have it and make my point when it began to matter. It would seal the deal, of which I went tooth and nail against. Call me crazy if you like, but I trusted the creator, in standing up for myself before giants. I stood with the sword of truth, and trusted what the bible said on standing before authorities in this day in age- giving our sides and allowing them to judge accordingly. It was a decision that had to come from the Judges of today, and not an agreement that I made.

So, in leaving room for the ending to unfold, as it was unfolding in my life, I was able to write it from a less emotional state of mind. I had to have total and complete closure as my frame of reference.

But the whole truth is, I had absolutely no idea how it would end, good or bad…and that’s really the reason I was stuck. I had a pretty good idea about how it would end, and I entertained quite a few variations of scenarios of what the ending might be. However, I couldn’t force myself to write it from a make believe standpoint. At one point in time, while waiting through all the resets, delays, and habitual court attendances, I tried to force the hand, by saying that I would be willing to walk away, without a word spoken, if people would just do what is right. Especially since what I write, seems to be the focal point of everyone’s discomfort. No one likes the truth, especially, when it is about him or her.

I actually meant that with all my heart, but they insisted on dragging me. Perhaps that is why it continued… because at one point in time, I actually said that I don’t care what the outcome will be, as long as the outcome was fair, I would be silenced. They laughed at that and looked down at me, saying, the nerve of you – to suggest that you are giving an “opportunity” to someone, to judge fairly… who do you think you are? Perhaps that wasn’t GOD’s plan for my voice. Perhaps that is why I am still writing, “WRITE” NOW. Because if I shut up, when they told me to, I wouldn’t have satisfied purpose. There were people who tried to discourage me from following through with my insistence of getting my side heard and considered. They knocked me down, stomped on me and tried to force feed an agreement that was supposedly “in my best interest.” And they were sure to mention that it was in my best interest, because if I didn’t shut up and stop writing, and if I went through, I would loose- because the person who was judging me, wore a size 5 shoe.

It was people who were very close to the situation, which knew the details, rallied with me, until they too, became a part of the problem. They told me that I did not stand a chance, even with the truth, because of the influence that certain people had, and because of the things I wrote about them in the past.

They explained it like this: You are going to be judged by someone who hates you and does not care what happens to you, because you deflated their ego in something that you wrote. They read everything you write and have folders and binders, something like a worship room, where they keep everything you’ve written, as well as pictures of you that they have. That person went on to say, you are not going to win this case – not because you’re not right- but because you didn’t adhere to the “chain” of command. There are certain things that you should know about, such as, how privileged some people are. And when you ruffle feathers, their judgments are not from a place of concern or just. It’s from a place of hatred and rage.

Yes, I was discouraged to stand up for myself, but I said NO! Then, they continued to say to me that this is how the system works. If you talk or speak out against injustice, you will suffer.

I’ve heard the expression, “A bird in the hands, is worth two in the bush” But have you heard the expression, “A recording in the hand, confirms everything you’ve said.

As seen on Cafemom.com

Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

That’s Just My Baby Momma

I would have never understood the things that men go through, with a “baby momma” and “baby momma drama” had I not experienced it first hand, with a male baby momma. Yes, Tupac said it first: Niggas can be Bitches too.

Witnessing for myself first hand, how a man can be as bitter as the infamous baby momma, when it comes to baby momma drama; has given me new perspective on the topic. I can see clearly now, how a man could ultimately arrive at a forced decision to stay away from their child for periods of time. They realize that the other parent will stop at nothing with their games. She makes it extremely hard for the father to be in his child life, and not to mention the things she will do, to make sure that he will suffer more at her hands, if he chooses to be in the child’s life. I have seen this happen myself. The lies they tell are amazing and too much for a normal person to keep up with. It’s exhausting, so those parents reach a point where they simply wait until the child is old enough to understand what is going on.

Some parents have truly come to this decision, only as result of the consequences that they face, when dealing with the other parent. Such as: being accused for things that they did not do, being denied visitation, being denied communication with the child, being denied health and education information, regarding the child. They are excluded from knowing anything about the child and are left off emergency contact lists as well as not added, as a parent who can seek information from the school that the child attends, without the other parents consent. To add insult to injury, they are accused for not caring about the child, and not talking care of the child or having a vested interest in the overall well being of the child; when this has never been the case.

I can now see why the scenario could play out as the truth. When you are not around to hear these things being said, and not able to call that parent to the rug on their shit, you are hung out to dry in a tainted perception and manipulated opinions. The other parent can sabotage you very easily. No one knows what’s going on behind the stage or off the record. People don’t know that, the parent who is perceived to be the deadbeat, does not have access to the child. They don’t know what the proclaimed, deadbeat parent is really doing to have the connection and bond with their child. No one realizes that one parent is putting on an Oscar performance, of pulling strings, at the best ever stage performance of Puppets. They are superior at poking the bear in private, and then stepping back to show their audience, the reaction of the bear. The audience gets to see a “re-action” only, while never seeing the “action” which caused the bear to howl.

The real issue is that one parent, simply does not want to be with the other and because of that, the parent will use children as bait, collateral and leverage- almost like a ransom in a hostage situation. I know some people are saying, there’s no way, no matter what, I would not see my child. However, those same people are not in the same situation. I know that the one thing that is absolute fact is that you don’t know what you would do, unless it was you. So if it has been you, right down to the nature of the circumstance, be honest with yourself about the fact that you absolutely, positively don’t know what you would do.

From where I’m standing, it has nothing to do with their lack of loving a child or being responsible for the child. It has nothing to do with selfishness and neglect, which encompasses all the things, that I used to think about men who tell me that they haven’t seen their child a month of Sunday’s. Once upon a time, I was that girl who told men, that there was no reason at all, to be away or stay away from their child- and I didn’t want to hear anything they had to say about it.

Do I find this new perspective refreshing? No. Not at all. Disgusting? uuuum… maybe a little harsh, but it’s not an overstatement. In keeping with a self provided example, in order to speak from my own experience- I restrict myself from disclosing my full opinion; due to the “reasonable person” concluding that this song is about them or someone they know.

But I digress to say, I apologize to any man, that I spoke ill of, when it came to them being in or out of their child’s life. I am certain that if they are not, it’s because your baby momma, just like my baby momma, makes it very difficult. I realize that you have probably done everything that you can, but you are not here for the games. I truly understand what it feels like to have a “BABY MOMMA”

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Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships

5 things that will make you cringe to hear your child say, following, “My Momma Said”

There are a lot of revelations that my son has repeated to me, after hearing other people say. I cringe for them, as those individuals would be so humiliated to know that I have that information.

I learned this the hard way myself, when my son repeated something back to me, that I knew for sure I said… It wasn’t just variation of what I said, but verbatim of what I said. All I could think of is, geezus, I hope to GOD he didn’t say this to anyone else.

Thoughts of that cute Disney Cruise Line commercial, comes to mind now. There’s a woman in the elevator with her children, along with others… her child is telling the story about their adventures and he says, “That’s my baby brother. His name is Joe, but my mommy calls him a little souvenir.”

I am included in the group of parents who’ve cringed when running into Ms. Alton, on isle 8 of the community grocery store. I am one of those who have broke out into a sweat, while experiencing slight anxiety, all while praying to GOD, that my son doesn’t repeat something I may have said in his presence, without consideration given to the fact that he was nearby listening. I never know what he’s about to say, when he says “My momma said…” nor how I will explain or clean it up, after it’s said.

I’ve had to clutch my pearls a few times. I have had to force the frog from my throat and turn, to inconspicuously race to another isle in the grocery store, in an attempt to escape a potentially humiliating situation, brought on by an “out of the mouth of a babes” moment.

Here are 5 things that will make you cringe, after hearing, My Momma Said:

  1. My momma said she doesn’t like my dads mom: Even if we once loved or hated our in laws, or if we love or hate them now, what we really don’t want to happen is, for them to ever know if we hated them. No matter what, if you’re still married into the family, this is still top-secret information. It’s one thing if the hatred came after the divorce, but if this is shared while y’all are still married- get ready for hell! Every married woman can tell you, that she’s had her run-ins with her mother -in- law at some point. We know that there are some who have gotten along just fine, but then there are those who had one son, who’s a momma’s boy, who can do no wrong in the sight of his mother. His mother is his biggest fan and cheerleader. She doesn’t want to hear or know anything bad about her beloved son. She will go to hell over ignoring her son’s bad behavior to simply support him in his foolishness, while she’s on this earth. You may have made this comment while chiming in on a discussing with your own mom or even cousins or close friends. Your child happened to hear bits and pieces and concluded that you just don’t like grannie, because “grannie is a pushover.” Haven’t had this to happen to me personally, but that may be because I’d already learned this lesson in the example provided in, number 2.
  1. My momma said she was never attracted to my dad: or when a child says to the new husband (My mom said she wish she met you first) Once again, something we hope our children have never heard us say, because we don’t want to discount his dad in his presence…) and more importantly, never repeated, if heard. When a child repeats something of this nature, the core details and substance to those conversations, are often absent. The child caught the tail end of a conversation or the beginning of a vent session and all else was lost. There’s no way to recover from this once it’s said. The little one could tell dad that you said you aren’t attracted to him, and if you are still married- there’s a possibility that you’d never live this comment down. No matter what the context was, in which you said it. Men have egos that are easily crushed and a comment like this, will take you into a realm of hatred that you didn’t know existed. Men can be pretty foul and extremely petty, when their egos are bruised. They serve malicious, like you’ve never seen. They hit low and below the belt. The phrase “All is fair in love and war”, came from a man, for GOD’s sake. Once you allow a comment of this nature to leak, it blazes into the esteem of a man, and you better be prepared. All of their inner thoughts, belonging to the complex that they have and have had about themselves come rushing into play, such as: (short, dark-skinned, skinny, little, fat, ugly etc.) It all comes out in their response to you, for making the comment that they heard the child repeat.
  1. My momma said our neighbors make her sick: The neighbors that usually make mom sick, are the ones who keep up loud music after 10:00pm, on a weekday- and who crowds the cul-de-sac on the weekends, making it impossible to check mail, if you live in those subdivisions that have community mailboxes. They are the neighbors who don’t keep their lawn cut or manicured and is always the sore spot on the street. They have that old, beat up cutlass 442 that they’ve been working on for the last 10 years. It’s sitting on bricks in the front of the house. They are the neighbor who you feel, are bringing down the property value. They are responsible for the loud, out of control parties on the weekends, where at any moment, their uncle Lou is going to grab some chick on the ass and try to get her number. She calls the police to take a report, after-which, she decides that she doesn’t want to press any charges. These are the neighbors who are always going at it as a couple. The guy can be heard outside, on many nights, banging on the windows and doors, pleading for his wife to answer the door, hollering “just give me one more chance” The wife has also been seen entertaining other men, while her husband was away at work on Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s. Imagine running into either of them, at the neighborhood store and asking the general, “How you been?” to which your child jumps in and ask, “Mom, is this the neighbor that make you sick?”
  1. My momma said I can’t come to your houses that, because y’all are nasty/dirty: This would be the family who allows their dogs to sleep in any bed in the house, lick their owners in the face and on the lips. Their dogs hang around in the kitchen, slobbering around the areas where the food is being prepared for guest. They feed the dog with the same hand that’s being used to prepare dinner, without washing…. This comment is not at all what you intended it to be, but yea it really is. You did say that you don’t want to eat there, because their dog is always in the kitchen or on the counter and sometimes in the hands of the person who’s preparing the meal. However, you didn’t mean it in the most negative way. You simply wanted whomever you were speaking with, to know the reasons that you personally don’t want to eat there. But when a child gets ahold of that comment, it goes full press down the court and there’s no way to rebound it once the child has made such a comment.
  1. My momma said your mother (you) always trying to sell something: One day she’s selling Avon, the next it’s Mary Kay and diet pills at the same time. She’s been known to sell everything from QVC products, to electronics, to spanks, to bibles and self help CD’s. She sells Girl Scout cookies, the newest in healthcare nutrition supplements, a cure for aging, age spots, wrinkles, and skin care. She’s selling a cure for cancer, a cure for headaches, a cure for high blood pressure, a cure for energy, a cure for fatigue and they all help with estrogen levels, mood swings, migraines and depression. And it’s an “opportunity” for a “real forward thinking” entrepreneur, to own business that will earn them “residual” and early retirement from working for someone else. It’s an “opportunity” to take control of your life. You set your own hours and work as much or as little as you’d like, where if you sell enough product, you can make a million dollars in 5 months. It’s an opportunity that you’d be crazy not to buy into. And if you say no, they respond angrily. Their hook is, “So you’re saying you don’t need extra income?” They say that you are missing the deal of a Lifetime and it’s a sign from GOD, that y’all to meet, so that she could bless your life with this product.

At the end of the day, the lesson is to watch what you say in front of the children. Make sure the children are not within earshot of your adult conversation. When you’re with the girls, laying your problems on thick and discussing guilty pleasures over a bottle of wine, cheese and great music; just remember to keep your voice down. Make sure the children are nowhere around, if you do decide to voice an opinion that you have, or a problem that you’re having…

as seen on cafemom.com