Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships, Travel

5 Ways My Life Has Changed, Since My Son Has Been Living With His Dad: The Pros And The Cons

  1. My schedule is random unless my is visiting on the weekend. When he’s home with me, I provide the stability and the structure as well as discipline that he needs, by following a schedule to keep him on track with bed time, dinner, breakfast, play time, reading etc. It was a schedule that I implemented for him long before he was living with his dad. Now that he’s gone, I sleep in, I eat out, I cook less, and I eat whenever and whatever I want. I take longer naps, make runs to the store at any time throughout the day, no matter how late. I can travel more if I’d like to and not worrying about who would take him to school and pick him up, or even the fact that he would have to miss school. I can take last minute media assignments, make last minute plans, and spare of the moment trips out of town/ in town or even out of the country. Overall, I have free time to pursue many endeavors.
  2. Anxiety: For a while, I had my anxiety under control. I did not experience anxiety on this level at all, prior to having a child. It was not until my child was taken from me, over an accusation, proven to be false; which left me in such a helpless and anxious place. It was because I could not help my child. I could not do anything to give him what he asked for, which was to stay with me. That is when I began to experience anxiety again. The decision on who he would live with, did not rest in my authority. It was not in my hands and no one asked my son where he wanted to be. The reason the anxiety heightened and escalated to the place where I am today, is because over the last 4-years, I became aware of things that were taking place, when my son was not in my care and after hearing so many things, it caused my anxieties to soar through the roof. While most of this, is a thing of the past, it was traumatic for me, and I still live with it, constantly finding ways to cope; reposing in the assurance that everything happens for a reason, and I have seen some of the advantages and blessings come out of it all.

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.” ― Mother Teresa

  1. Parks will never be the same: One of my son and I favorite pastime was to go to the park. We discovered just about every park there was, in the city. We settled on two, to call own, which were closest to the house. I spent many flex-days there with him and while he would play, I caught a spot under the tree. Today, it’s hard to drive by those parks. It’s hard to sit in those parks, work out, run around or walk around those trails. It’s a real challenge to be there, if other children are there. I have been in a place, where I couldn’t watch the other kids play, without breaking down. Though I am getting better with regards to seeing other children, I have yet to overcome the anxieties of going to those parks without my Bambino. When I do have him, we still make the most of our time. I found another park to create memories at, until the time comes…
  2. Insomnia: In other words, I cannot sleep at night…. Literally. (due to the anxiety) At times, I have been up 48 hours straight. That had a lot to do with the anxieties as well. Constantly worrying about where my kid was, who he was with and if he was OK. I had been fed some things by the Amicus on our case, in which she thought to be disturbing. Naturally, it disturbed me at that point as well. For 4 years of constantly hearing more and more, I was finding that my nights were getting longer and longer. Time passed like molasses. I would lay down with every intention of sleeping, but couldn’t make it happen. Still, to this very day, I have nightmares, terrible dreams that wake me from my sleep, where I fall to the floor and pray that my child is OK. He may be doing terrific! And that’s what I hope, but until I can get over the thought of anything happening to him, I will be woke.
  1. I have more Me Time: Me time has showed to be my best friend. It’s A time to get back to me, and focus on improvement. There’s always room for improvement, right? And since I do have severe anxiety and insomnia, it gives me the opportunity to work on getting myself back to a place, where I am rested, refreshed and refined. It allows me the time I need to “talk” about why I can sleep, why I have so much anxiety, why I stopped traveling as much, why I don’t leave the house as much, why I can’t sit in the park and watch other children play, or why I cannot do anything about what has transpired, but that I can find ways to cope with it. Me Time, gives me the space and time I need to do my make up again, do my hair again, celebrate myself again, in all that I do. Me Time helps me get back to the business of this empire and to pamper myself, heart, mind, body and soul. Me Time has encouraged me to get out of the house and to get active in the world again.

Article Originally posted Here, On Working Mother

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Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships

I didn’t choose this story. This story chose me.

I book marked a page in a book, along with halting the process of finishing the book that I began writing a couple of years ago. I was holding off on publishing, because I wanted to see how the story would play out organically. I didn’t want to release the book to the general public, until I was able to provide the true details of what happened in the end and I did not want any cliff hangers, because I have no intention of writing a, to be continued, type of book. I wanted it to stop at the exact moment, that I had closure and leave it at that.

So in keeping with the truth of the story, there’s the explanation. What good would my book be, which is based on a true story, if the ending were false? I wanted to share an authentic story, with real factual and true information, to be considered. For me, it was the only way I would be willing to share the story – If I could do it from where I am standing, I would have accomplished my feat. What feat is that? It was one that allowed me to share my side of the story, which would lay over the overhead projector, like transparent/tracing paper. It was to get on record, my side, as well as the other side, so that I could have it and make my point when it began to matter. It would seal the deal, of which I went tooth and nail against. Call me crazy if you like, but I trusted the creator, in standing up for myself before giants. I stood with the sword of truth, and trusted what the bible said on standing before authorities in this day in age- giving our sides and allowing them to judge accordingly. It was a decision that had to come from the Judges of today, and not an agreement that I made.

So, in leaving room for the ending to unfold, as it was unfolding in my life, I was able to write it from a less emotional state of mind. I had to have total and complete closure as my frame of reference.

But the whole truth is, I had absolutely no idea how it would end, good or bad…and that’s really the reason I was stuck. I had a pretty good idea about how it would end, and I entertained quite a few variations of scenarios of what the ending might be. However, I couldn’t force myself to write it from a make believe standpoint. At one point in time, while waiting through all the resets, delays, and habitual court attendances, I tried to force the hand, by saying that I would be willing to walk away, without a word spoken, if people would just do what is right. Especially since what I write, seems to be the focal point of everyone’s discomfort. No one likes the truth, especially, when it is about him or her.

I actually meant that with all my heart, but they insisted on dragging me. Perhaps that is why it continued… because at one point in time, I actually said that I don’t care what the outcome will be, as long as the outcome was fair, I would be silenced. They laughed at that and looked down at me, saying, the nerve of you – to suggest that you are giving an “opportunity” to someone, to judge fairly… who do you think you are? Perhaps that wasn’t GOD’s plan for my voice. Perhaps that is why I am still writing, “WRITE” NOW. Because if I shut up, when they told me to, I wouldn’t have satisfied purpose. There were people who tried to discourage me from following through with my insistence of getting my side heard and considered. They knocked me down, stomped on me and tried to force feed an agreement that was supposedly “in my best interest.” And they were sure to mention that it was in my best interest, because if I didn’t shut up and stop writing, and if I went through, I would loose- because the person who was judging me, wore a size 5 shoe.

It was people who were very close to the situation, which knew the details, rallied with me, until they too, became a part of the problem. They told me that I did not stand a chance, even with the truth, because of the influence that certain people had, and because of the things I wrote about them in the past.

They explained it like this: You are going to be judged by someone who hates you and does not care what happens to you, because you deflated their ego in something that you wrote. They read everything you write and have folders and binders, something like a worship room, where they keep everything you’ve written, as well as pictures of you that they have. That person went on to say, you are not going to win this case – not because you’re not right- but because you didn’t adhere to the “chain” of command. There are certain things that you should know about, such as, how privileged some people are. And when you ruffle feathers, their judgments are not from a place of concern or just. It’s from a place of hatred and rage.

Yes, I was discouraged to stand up for myself, but I said NO! Then, they continued to say to me that this is how the system works. If you talk or speak out against injustice, you will suffer.

I’ve heard the expression, “A bird in the hands, is worth two in the bush” But have you heard the expression, “A recording in the hand, confirms everything you’ve said.

As seen on Cafemom.com

Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

That’s Just My Baby Momma

I would have never understood the things that men go through, with a “baby momma” and “baby momma drama” had I not experienced it first hand, with a male baby momma. Yes, Tupac said it first: Niggas can be Bitches too.

Witnessing for myself first hand, how a man can be as bitter as the infamous baby momma, when it comes to baby momma drama; has given me new perspective on the topic. I can see clearly now, how a man could ultimately arrive at a forced decision to stay away from their child for periods of time. They realize that the other parent will stop at nothing with their games. She makes it extremely hard for the father to be in his child life, and not to mention the things she will do, to make sure that he will suffer more at her hands, if he chooses to be in the child’s life. I have seen this happen myself. The lies they tell are amazing and too much for a normal person to keep up with. It’s exhausting, so those parents reach a point where they simply wait until the child is old enough to understand what is going on.

Some parents have truly come to this decision, only as result of the consequences that they face, when dealing with the other parent. Such as: being accused for things that they did not do, being denied visitation, being denied communication with the child, being denied health and education information, regarding the child. They are excluded from knowing anything about the child and are left off emergency contact lists as well as not added, as a parent who can seek information from the school that the child attends, without the other parents consent. To add insult to injury, they are accused for not caring about the child, and not talking care of the child or having a vested interest in the overall well being of the child; when this has never been the case.

I can now see why the scenario could play out as the truth. When you are not around to hear these things being said, and not able to call that parent to the rug on their shit, you are hung out to dry in a tainted perception and manipulated opinions. The other parent can sabotage you very easily. No one knows what’s going on behind the stage or off the record. People don’t know that, the parent who is perceived to be the deadbeat, does not have access to the child. They don’t know what the proclaimed, deadbeat parent is really doing to have the connection and bond with their child. No one realizes that one parent is putting on an Oscar performance, of pulling strings, at the best ever stage performance of Puppets. They are superior at poking the bear in private, and then stepping back to show their audience, the reaction of the bear. The audience gets to see a “re-action” only, while never seeing the “action” which caused the bear to howl.

The real issue is that one parent, simply does not want to be with the other and because of that, the parent will use children as bait, collateral and leverage- almost like a ransom in a hostage situation. I know some people are saying, there’s no way, no matter what, I would not see my child. However, those same people are not in the same situation. I know that the one thing that is absolute fact is that you don’t know what you would do, unless it was you. So if it has been you, right down to the nature of the circumstance, be honest with yourself about the fact that you absolutely, positively don’t know what you would do.

From where I’m standing, it has nothing to do with their lack of loving a child or being responsible for the child. It has nothing to do with selfishness and neglect, which encompasses all the things, that I used to think about men who tell me that they haven’t seen their child a month of Sunday’s. Once upon a time, I was that girl who told men, that there was no reason at all, to be away or stay away from their child- and I didn’t want to hear anything they had to say about it.

Do I find this new perspective refreshing? No. Not at all. Disgusting? uuuum… maybe a little harsh, but it’s not an overstatement. In keeping with a self provided example, in order to speak from my own experience- I restrict myself from disclosing my full opinion; due to the “reasonable person” concluding that this song is about them or someone they know.

But I digress to say, I apologize to any man, that I spoke ill of, when it came to them being in or out of their child’s life. I am certain that if they are not, it’s because your baby momma, just like my baby momma, makes it very difficult. I realize that you have probably done everything that you can, but you are not here for the games. I truly understand what it feels like to have a “BABY MOMMA”

As seen on CafeMom.com