The Dying Art Of Courting And What you Think It Cost

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A male friend reached out to me recently and asked for suggestions on what to do with his new- found girlfriend. He shared that they met while attending a food summit somewhere up in the Wine Country a few weeks ago. Geez, now why didn’t anyone tell me about all that fun going on? Anyhow, I knew right away that food and wine would be a part of what I’d suggest, because I already had insight on what she enjoyed. However, beyond the obvious I wanted to share with him other suggestions which wouldn’t cost a fortune, as he’d expressed that he was interested in this young lady and that he wanted to make an impression, but one that he could hold to as time rolled on.

As he raved on about this young lady, he asked how to show her that he was interested in her. Well, aside from simply telling her, I suggested he make it known of course first, just by reiterating it. Guys sometime get discouraged in doing this one very important thing because they don’t want to seem like the weakest link. They don’t want to chase, as they have sincerely confused this term with its ugly fraternal twin know as, “running after.” (Let that sit) What they forget is the dying art of courting. And to pursue, is to chase.

When you are interested in falling and having them fall with you so that you can rise together, you just tell her that you are interested. When she reciprocates in letting you know that she is interested as well, by accepting your advances for a 2nd and 3rd date…. There’s nothing wrong with looking deeply into her eyes and telling her that she has an amazing smile and that you truly do enjoy getting to know and knowing her. It doesn’t cost you anything to do this.

Man and Woman Sitting on Bench

Showing your interest in someone does not take fine dining, exotic trips and wild adventures from week to week. Not at first anyway, and it’s not a habit you want to form when you can’t finance it. Those are luxuries that some can afford from week to week, when they have the time and finances. However, you can show your interest in other ways while at the same time, determining if this is a relationship that you can handle and want to continue to pursue.

Communication: In courting a woman, you are courting her mind as well. I would tell my friend just like I would tell any man who asks, once you’ve established between the two of you that you want to be in a relationship, beyond that it’s building. You are constantly building and hopefully toward a common goal…and depending on what that is, you establish boundaries. IE: Is this an exclusive relationship? What are your intentions? Where would you like this relationship to go? Otherwise, I think it’s counterproductive to say that you want to be in a relationship where you are building together- if you don’t want a future together. So, the objective in the relationship during the building process should be to get to know one another on a level which would help you understand one another better and determine if the goal you started with, can be fulfilled in staying together.

You could compare this to an employer/employee relationship where benefits are equal upon entering an agreement for employment. Probationary period is followed by a commitment to hire. Once employer demonstrated loyalty to their employee and vice versa, the relationship grows into the next level. Pretty soon, your entry level title turns into tenure. You are making an investment in each other, providing benefits, perks and incentive.

How does this translate in dating? When you invest in a woman with conversation, understanding, commitment and loyalty, in exclusively dating her, she will make you a great return on that investment.

What You do to get her: Yes, what you do to get her you will have to do to keep her is a very valid statement. As this pertains to material things, I mentioned that it is not wise to start something you cannot keep up with. (A drastic change in financial status is the exception) And a woman whom you have made the above investments in will understand. In Application: You want to be careful while you’re trying to impress/make an impression, not to make the wrong impression by doing something you can’t do, if your intent is to pursue something long-term. (Another exception here are those once and twice in a lifetime type ventures… yes, you can knock off extravagant bucket list items together and have an understanding that this is not something you will be doing often) But most importantly, if you attract her by opening doors for her-you need to keep this up.

adventure, Black Woman, boy

While you are getting to know her, you are paying attention to the things she talks about… if you are listening, you will hear her tell you everything. When you show up with a white Carnation over a red rose, she knows that you heard her when in regular conversation she expressed that she’s the type of girl who prefers carnations over roses. That’s impressive – because she now knows that you have a vested interest in learning about her.

Those luxurious trips etc. will come over time… in building. There’s no need to take someone on a $10k vacation when you know it will take your life savings and could be over when you return, because while on the trip with someone you just met 2 months ago, you realized yawl were worlds apart on what you want in life.

Get an understanding of all these things beforehand. That’s what dating, and courting is. It’s doing the things that you will be consistently doing. Its’ showing someone what they are signing up for. Now if you can afford the $10k vacays week to week and keep that up if the relationship transpired beyond the next 6 months then more power to ya. Don’t try to compete with the next man. If someone else can do for her something that you can’t, and it’s something that she requires, and she tends to lean toward, you need to be paying attention. It doesn’t make her a bad person, it just means that she’s not right for you or may not be right for you right now.

Adore her

Hold hands/ Forehead kiss/stare in eyes not face/write her letters

Show her respect/be respectful in private and public places

Be playful with her/ Laugh, joke & match humor

Walk close together/Go out together/ Take her to the Park/ Take her to the Lake

Play ANY sport together

Go to the Gym together

Open EVERY door EVERYTIME

Protect her/ give her your jacket when she’s cold/ keep her safe/ comfort her

Attend the Family get together and outing, together

Have Cookouts at your home together/ cook for her

All, are Things that won’t cost a fortune to maintain in the dating/courting process

The girl who appreciates these things is the type of girl who treasures the connection, the bonding, the quality time, the love and the chemistry more than being able to take your credit card and go to the mall. She would rather you be there with her to relish in the excitement together. Sure, she likes wonderful things and won’t turn down a gift, but she would choose to have you with her if it boiled down to having to choose one over the other.

She wants your love, not your money. She wants your time, not your gifts. She wants your presence not your presents. She wants your company not your absence. She doesn’t need you to validate her, she needs you to validate the relationship – She wants you to initiate and show her that you know how to lead…she wants your commitment.

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FAIR LADY

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We met at the center-most of a metaphor. Right at the end of his dictum…face to face. …You have lovely pearls, he said. I could look into them all night- could I interest you in allowing me to extol your winsomeness?

You had me at my eyes, I said…walking anent my personal space, propitiously invading my comfort zone, carrying on with your encomium. I am obliged. Hello, I said.

…equidistant dialect …Eyes lite, body twitch, direction propulsive, slow pace. colloquy ensued before our faces crossed, sketched a portrait of a poem. Energized at finger tips, aromas from a fleet of words- undressed. Vigilant to the wind but atmosphere already filled-the breeze strong armed, too late. The connection was made. Bodies attempted to pass-hands got caught on the hooks of his rhyme. Snatched back to sync.

– downloaded and uploaded, hard drive driving, centrally processing, heartbeat colliding, instincts thriving… install complete- wrote me right off my feet, spoke me right back to my seat- who needs faded pictures or a broken glass? What makes you nervous my dame, He asked.

Seduced my hands with his face. Tasted my flesh at my waist- took us both to space- placed my legs on the base… Of his shoulders…all things before were erased- forgotten, misplaced or displaced… Index finger on card catalog, turning pages from books on bookcase- found my story we raced through chapter by chapter, the before and after- wrist vertically communicating with elbows, follow me to the back of my head, they said…. Neck bone in hand sending …signals to knees, too weak- back collapsed- and radiated through feet. Electrifying… Sparks after spark, transitions in and out of discussions, Segway’s through subjects without touching

And so he’s typing on the small my back, shift buttons shift gears- I think he likes it like that. I’m listening, keep talking, I hear what you saying I’m anticipating and waiting- why are you playing…

Tongue crawling in my breastplate, Strength tilts my head- not fighting to escape- body calling, armor falling…guards down… Look what you found~ the heart of A lady… Sincerely, Central Processing …

Niedria D. Kenny AKA ~FreelySpeaking

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Waiting and having patience: Don’t act like you don’t already know this

Waiting and having patience: Don’t act like you don’t already know this

I realize that the bidding sometimes starts low when it comes to guys choosing. And because of this, they never make it to the items with substance. When they do, they don’t see the value or worth because they have just placed a bid on something that appears to be the same or flashier in which not much work is required to maintain.

Here’s the deal: We aren’t really talking about auction items here. We are talking about or the difference between two women. Material, if you will…Both cut from the cloth of a woman. One of fine silk, lace trim, articulately crafted and woven to perfection. The other, a piece of cotton that can wash on any cycle. And all I am really saying is that you’ve never seen instructions on cotton that says, Handle With Care. And while you still should, if you want it to last longer, it doesn’t require it, so HE probably wouldn’t.

relationship

Women, you need to require that men handle you with the care that you need. If the instructions are not made clear, they won’t. From the time men were boys, they had to be told to take out the trash, clean their room, put their dirty clothes in the hamper instead of sprawled out over the floor. They had to be told to take a bath/shower, put on clean underwear…. You get what I am saying? They need instruction. Once those instructions are given and made clear, they can’t act like they don’t already know this. Only hold a man accountable for what they know. Then, hold yourself accountable for what you accept.

bath

I hear women speak about having patience in dating the guy that they want, but 5, 10, 15 years in they are still waiting and have yet to recognize that it has reached the level of what they tolerate and has it nothing to do with patience. When you begin to accept a certain behavior while telling yourself that you’re just being patient, you’re in denial. There’s nothing wrong with having patience when you are waiting on the right thing. But there is absolutely something wrong with tolerating unruly behavior while you continue to believe that one day he will give you what you want.

We convince ourselves to believe that something good could come out of this. We make ourselves believe that because he gravitates more toward the cheap knock off… to knock off, that maybe our expectations were too high to begin with; thus, our reasoning behind lowering or reducing our standards which lessens and devalues our worth in order to levy ourselves with him.

WORTH

Guys are probably going to always shop bargains and the lowest price, for long as it’s available but if you know that your merchandise is good, you know that you are worth a man making a substantial gesture in an investment of respect and proper care in you. And you will not settle for less.

Here are some examples of when it’s ok to be patience with the man you are dating

engagement

I will wait on a man who is building his net worth so that he can solidify his financial future

I will wait on a man who prioritizes his life in a way, so that it will work for the team in the long run

I will wait on a man who is responsible enough to know that his children should be first on the list

I will wait on a man who is eager to learn and is implementing things that he has learned

I will wait on a man who is consistent in showing by action and word, that he’s committed for the long run

I will wait on a man who speaks marriage and follows up with behavior that demonstrates he wants marriage

I will wait on a man who is diligent in seeking ways to build an empire

I will wait on a man who respects me during the process of my waiting, whom also shows appreciation

Here’s what is not OK to wait on, with the man you are dating:

break up

I will not wait on a man to stop cheating on me.

I will not wait on a man to decide I’m worth it.

I will not wait on a man to decide if I’m enough.

I will not wait on a man who doesn’t realize that there’s something tremendously wrong with supporting another woman in her endeavors but not me in mine.

I will not wait on a man who can’t decide if I’m worth taking home to meet his family and friends.

I will not wait on a man who puts me through rigorous tryouts daily, to compete for him. If he can’t choose, I will choose for him.

I will not wait on a man to decide if I am appealing and desirable enough to keep his attention.

I will not wait on a man to finish laying down with every woman who wants to lay down with him, until no one is left.

I will not wait on a man who does not know the difference between a knock off and authenticity

I will not wait on a man who sees me as his last resort

I will not wait on a man who sees me as an option and not a priority

I will not wait on a man that spreads himself around town and brings me his leftovers

I will not wait on a man who has a revolving door for women

I will not wait on a man who places me last on the list of things to be concerned about

I will not wait on a man who pretends not to know the preliminaries in a relationship, yet knows all of them when it comes to another woman.

I must live by the words I write. Otherwise, I would constantly have to shove down extra servings of crow’s feet. Since I chose a unique way to serve my pallet and one that includes delicacies, I’ll pass on the wooden nickels.

A letter one lady wrote to her 30- year old self, that’s worth reading

A letter one lady wrote to her 30- year old self, that’s worth reading
Dear 30-year old self,

It will be the first weekend in November. You are going to be 2 months into the finalization of your divorce, after spending 2-years requesting a divorce and refusing to date anyone until it was final. You are going to put on your little silver dress which will adorn your new and improved size 4, lean, tight, fit and toned body. You are going to step into your fish net stockings and your black alligator stilettos with the chrome heel. You’re rocking your pixie cut and your new carefree attitude as you head off to a fashion show. You’ll sit front row, VIP, with a swag bag and there will only be a few in attendance once you arrive. However, after a few moments, you will meet the gentlemen to your right, who are sitting at the end of the runway. They call themselves photographers and head of a magazine.

After the show, you will have small talk with one of the gentlemen and you will exchange numbers. Amid speaking to the attractive, nearly 7-footer, you’re going to slip, stumble backwards and almost take a fall, in the most literal and figurative way. The same gentleman who sat at the end of the runway, who you are engaged in conversation with, will demonstrate sharp reflexes as he instantly reaches out to save you from the embarrassment of falling while in your tiny silver dress. He will extend his arm and catch you. You will thank him and notice his smile. Pearly whites and broad shoulders will draw you in. While you stay to enjoy the after party, with other friends and make acquaintance with other attendees, you will anticipate the call from the gentleman who reached out to catch you earlier, whom you’ve given your number to.

He will waste no time. He will call you 24- hours later to suggest hanging out and spending time together. You’ll accept his advancements and extend an invitation. You will invite him over for drinks, on the heel of his suggestion that since you’re doing nothing this evening, “Maybe we should do nothing together.”

You’ll open the door and welcome him in, speaking silently to yourself that you made no mistake in giving this one your number, as he looks just like you remember. You will share drinks on the sofa for a few, while watching TV and chatting about the show, the after party and life in general. You’ll share similar background stories, but he will omit one important thing just before you ask him if he wants another drink.

The next morning, he will still be in your home. He will stay for another night. After-which, he will invite you over to his home to continue getting to know each other. You’ll make a run to the gas station, suggesting that the two of you eat breakfast first. That will become the hilarious hallmark conversation for the next 10-years, as to how you had the audacity to recommend eating breakfast at a gas station.

Within that first month of meeting him, you will invite him to your hometown 3-weeks later to meet your family at Thanksgiving. You will share some amazing moments while collecting a lot of memories together. You will take a couple of trips together in which you will determine that something is going on that doesn’t add up. You will be a little gullible and naïve. He will even tell you this at times, as you ignore the obvious, allowing him to get away with things that only a fool would. There will be good times, tough times, explosive times, a lot of secrets, a lot of disappearing on his part and a lot of lies. You will ignore all the flags at first, and long enough to get in too deep. But then, you will begin to see all the writing on the wall that you missed, as it begins to illuminate and emerge from the darkness that covered it, while the lights were off.

After the paint has dried, it begins to peel. That is when you’ll discover that he also has two more children by a third girl. You will ignore that as well, and determine that it happened during a break up, but the mathematics shows that it happened a day or so after the break up. Things are adding up. But you’re already 10 years in.

What I would like you to know is that once you step into the fashion show, it is important for you to know that the handsome, nearly 7-foot gentleman to your right, who says he owns a magazine is also married. He’s separated of course, and he lives apart from his estranged wife, but he has a 16-year old son and a baby on the way by his mistress, that he will not tell you about when you meet him…and you will discover on your own, nearly two years later. Should you engage in conversation, you will become another name in the little black book. Though you will last 10 years in the game, you need to know that this is all it is to him: A game. There are things you will never know about him, even after 10 years. There is a part of his life that he will never bring you into, even after 10 years, because he knows it will expose the rest of the writing on the wall.

You should know that should you decide to have small talk, leave it at that and leave it at the fashion show. I know…he’s attractive and he’s saying all the right things but he’s not saying anything at all. Do not exchange numbers and do not invite him over.

If you feel yourself about to take a fall, reject his advances to catch you and just take your fall gracefully. The embarrassment from the fall in your tiny silver dress will result in everyone seeing your underwear, but will be no match for the embarrassment that you will see in 10 years, should you allow this man to catch you.

Seen On Shesavvy.com

When What They Meant For Bad, Turned Out For Your Good, But Now They Mad

Have you ever found yourself in a place where something tragic happened, which turned out to be something as equally good? When it happened, you were devastated on many levels and you could not get your mid around it. You couldn’t not believe the betrayal involved, the dishonesty, the manipulation, the evil and vindictive ways of someone and how their action caused you the friends that were lost, loss of employment, loss of career in which stunted your growth for a while and brought on many hindrances in moving forward in your career by staining your reputation and ultimately demolishing everything you had worked for, achieved and built. Their action caused the loss of your business connections and weakened your opportunities in the process. You couldn’t believe how something so impossible could happen to you. It was downright wrong and no reasonable explanation as to how it could have happened, was in your line of view.

You were in a place that you could not explain it to anyone, and even when you did, they didn’t believe you because it was so impossible that they could not phantom it for themselves. So, in the end, you looked as though you were making it all up. You appeared as though you were leaving something out. You were viewed as the one who was not being honest and forthcoming about all the details of what transpired. This impossible action brought on grave circumstances in which you never thought you would overcome. You were in a place where you could not see the beginning from the end. You were stuck in the middle of just existing in life. It was no way to unravel what had been done.

I bet you never looked at it as GOD’s way of cleaning house. Have you ever heard the expressions, “I asked GOD to protect me from my enemies and I started losing friends?” or “We Plan. GOD Laughs?” “When You Are Down To Nothing, GOD Is Up To Something”

Here’s an example: He got you pregnant and then decided that he didn’t want a child. So, you became a single mom overnight. You still smiled, and it bothered him that you accepted the challenge. After-which, he fought you in court to gain custody and to evade paying child support.

He told you that you would be nothing without him and his money and he added that no man would want (A woman with a kid) He dug deeper into your flesh when he said that you’ve been tarnished because you are now a single mother.

He stood on his title, stability in the workplace and financial status to solidify his claim as the better parent. He won in court.

Now, he has all the responsibilities that you had but he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t want that kind of responsibility. He especially doesn’t want the responsibility if it means more freedom for you.

He told you that he wouldn’t need child support from you if he had custody, because he has all the money- but now he’s not only begging you for child support, but he’s requesting it be raised.

He hated you and called you out for being a single mom, but now he has the burdens that he said no man would want you for; which is that he now dates a woman who has two kids of her own.

He didn’t want to pay child support, but now he see the cost of food, education, entertainment, school, clothes, medical, travel and daily expenses of having a child- but he also has the additional two kids, plus the woman, that he must do for in his new relationship. (way more than he would have paid in child support to you)

He can’t walk away from his relationship, because he used it to show that he had a “stable family at home.” Also, if he walks away or allows her to leave, he will look like a double failure and all the truths will be exposed. So, he must continue to buy/purchase her company to keep her around. He must keep her there to keep up the façade. And he hates it. (This cost money)

He dogged you for being a single mom all to find out that a relationship with a Single Mom, is all that he qualifies for, for himself. SIDEBAR: I am no rocket scientist, but its beginning to look like I am being hated because what he once told me, is happening to him. No woman wants a Single father- unless she’s a single mother herself. So now he has exactly what he criticized me about. And perhaps he has come to the realization that there aren’t many women out there who don’t have kids at our age. Perhaps he realized that those women without kids, aren’t looking for a man with baggage.

He invaded your professional spaces with slanderous statements and libelous actions that caused you to lose your place. He constantly pushed for corruption over your life, so that you would not be able to provide for yourself or your child and he won that battle. But he was not happy to see you smile through it all.

When someone wins everything that they asked for and they still are not happy with the outcome, it is because all that they took from you, was meant to paralyze your faith, steal your smile and cripple your existence. And it may have been the case for a while, but you kept smiling and believing. You found your footing and your bearings in life to do it all over again. You continued to smile and that irked the mess out of those who came to kill, steal and destroy. So, they are unhappy about your happiness and your success and most of all, your existence. Because for them, they know that you get to look at them being unhappy in a situation that was meant to bring you that kind of unhappiness.

You went on to secure a better position in the workforce. You remained grounded in faith and your prayers availed. You realized what the ultimate plan on your life was and how all of this was not in vain. You realized that vindication was not yours. You realized that there’s a reason for everything happening in your life, when all those connections and bridges were cut and burned. You begin to see the path. You went on to find happiness in a relationship with someone who loves your child. You went on to have the freedom and luxury that comes from not having the responsibility of having to look out for a child every moment of the day- While he, inherited the curse that he attempted to place on you.

He ended up with triple the hell from what he stole from you and now he’s drunken with hatred for you. He is feasting on his own insides, as he staggers and slowly fade away.

My advice to you is to remain humble. Forgive him, as you probably have which is why he has no more power over you and you have been able to keep it moving. Keep believing. Never stop smiling. Continue to move forward and trust the slow and steady process. Don’t gloat. Don’t brag. Just wait. Just watch.

Here’s The Best Advice That I Can Give To A New Single Mom: It’s Not Going To Be Easy, But It Doesn’t Have To Be Hard

Mommy-hood sprung on you like flowers in the springtime, after the stork dropped a bundle of joy at your door and forgot to leave the dad. Devastating, but not the end of the world.

Here’s what you should know: Being single is not a disease. Being a single mom is not a handicap. To find yourself solely responsible for the health and well-being of a child can be overwhelming, and while being a mother is a life sentence, being a single mom is not a death sentence.

ON LIFE:

There was a time long ago, when it seemed like single moms and women who had children were looked over in the dating and work stream because they were perceived as having too much baggage. Today, they are an asset. Not just as potential wives and life-partners, but as business partners and leaders. They have overcome some of life’s greatest challenges, demonstrating their relentlessness and resilience.

Single moms are proving more and more that they can run lucrative businesses from home and be as productive , working from home as someone on a 9-5. Moms and single mothers are the go to, when looking for the best deals and the latest products to hit the market. For that, they contribute to a substantial portion of brand awarene… being targeted by some of the world’s most notorious companies, who seek to reach moms. Know this: You are useful. You are resourceful. You are valuable.

ON BEING SINGLE:

Being a Single Mom is not what we strive to be. But hey, let’s face it. For some of us, our affirmation is, “I woke up like this” -Niedria

You don’t have to do it alone: This is our biggest fear. The fear of being alone in the process of raising healthy children. The fear of having no one around when we need assistance and guidance, advice, counsel and wisdom.

Utilize your immediate network of family, your friends and organizations My mother was and still is my strongest ally. When you access your immediate network, you remain in a constant state of motivation.

Extended Support: Take advantage of the extended support (available through church or community activities) and opportunities to become involved with people who will assist you in finding programs that provide resources. Even if it’s temporary assistance, don’t be afraid to use it so that you can position yourself to win.

Access local resources: Many libraries list groups where you can meet and have discussions with other moms. Attend seminars, where you can get connected with local moms, parenting groups and others alike.

Everything takes time: Trust the process. This is something that I not only tell you, but it’s something I remind myself of everyday. If you need to tell yourself, over and over, to remind yourself that it’s a process, then do it. Try not to become bogged down in the desire to achieve immediate results. That’s something that I am guilty of. Stand back and look at the whole picture, even when you feel like time is running out. Have a Plan A, B and C, but don’t spread yourself too thin. Give the appropriate amount of time and attention to each plan as you go.

ON BEING MOM: I adopted a “Mother First” mantra. Before I considered anything, I chose to take in account how it would serve my child as well. This boiled down to lifestyle choices. We all live very different lives, in which we must tailor our decis…

GET ORGANIZED: This entails making lists, setting reminders, scheduling things in advance, making appointments for the future. Use a filing system, a planner or a white board to write down important dates to remember.

Focus and Prioritize: Sharply define your center point. (Where am I now?) Start there. Then readjust where needed, for clarity of what’s most important, to properly file and address things accordingly in life.

Plan Ahead For Urgent Situations: Create an emergency list of family and friends, as well as useful numbers for emergency personnel. Place the list in an area where it can be accessed.

Preparation: Making use of free time to prepare for your day. Such as: packing items you may need before leaving home, like for a day at the park, zoo, mall, movies or anywhere else.

ON DATING:

You don’t have to tell everyone that you are single: You don’t have to take every phone number that’s offered and you certainly shouldn’t give yours out to everyone. You’d want to practice discretion in dating and be mindful of the company you keep.

You don’t have to answer all the questions as to why you’re still single: When do you plan on getting married? Don’t feel pressured. Once again, being a single mom is not synonymous with desperate. Take your time choosing a partner. Do not rush to settle. If you have learned anything from the stork who left the bundle at the door, it’s to not open the door for just anyone.

ON LOVE: Single moms have demonstrated what they can bring to the table in providing nourishm… To the mature and distinguished man, these moms are attractive, in that they are independent, responsible, successful and sexy, at the same damn time.

When and if you do find someone, you will wonder when the right time to introduce significant other to your child. This is something that only you can gauge. It’s O.K. to seek advice from close friends who truly have your best interest at heart. Sometimes it’s good to consult with friends. Just be sure that you have overcome all your objectives in the relationship, as to what you want to bring around your child. A general rule of thumb, if you can’t bring him home, leave him alone.

http://redtri.com/best-advice-to-a-newly-single-mom/

Dad, Are You and My Mom Going to Get Married Again? A Child’s Plea To Do Things Together With His Parents

Dad, are you and my mom going to get married again? A child’s plea to do things together with his parents

I can tell you off the top that I do not have the solution for this. My question to everyone else is, how do you address these questions? I was not prepared and I don’t know how to get prepared. I was prepared for all the other questions that I knew he would ask someday and I think I knocked those out of the park.

Kid, Children, Baby, Kiddie, Summer, Join, Barn, Dirty

As I’m about to drive away, after I had just picked up my son for the weekend, I was excited about the time we were about to have. I looked back and noticed that he was getting teary eyed, and his face was that of one holding back the tears. Confused, I told him that is was perfectly OK if he wanted to roll the window down to say bye to his dad.  

“Why are you sad?” I asked. “Because my dad looks sad. I want my dad to come too. I want to be with both of y’all at the same time.” he responded. My son had expressed this on several occasions before, when he asked me if I could come with him to his dad’s house. He’s cried several times upon being dropped back off at his dad’s house, because he wanted me to come too.

basket, blur, boy

Deep Breath** He took me up on my offer to roll the window down to say good-bye to his dad. However, he didn’t just say good-bye. He asked, “Dad, can you and my mom get married again because I want to be with both of yall?” My head fell… Not sure what his dad said. I began to back away.

Only recently, had my son began to ask me about us getting married again. Almost as if he’d been searching for a resolution and rested on this being the only answer to how we can all be together.

Never did I think he’d ask his dad or me, right there in the presence of one another, if we would get married again so that he can be with both of us, at the same time.

Car, Toy, Childhood, Child, Boy, Fun, Kid, Vehicle

I knew that it would not be much longer before I would have to ditch the kiddy talk and address the conversation head on. But is this considered something age-appropriate to discuss? He’s only 6. Well, he will be 7- years old in December. He’s a pretty quick-witted, smart and intelligent kid. I recognize that he is a lot more insightful about what is and has been going on. I knew he’d have questions, but not this one.

I did not think his request would be that his dad re-marries his mom. (Internal thoughts: Does he see this as the only possibility for us to do things together? Poor baby, this is his perception) Perhaps he doesn’t know that we can do things together and we don’t have to be married? But how can I drive that point, when we haven’t made it happen? (More internal thoughts) Do I just say to him that we are waiting on his dad to be comfortable with having me in the same room with his girlfriend? No, I can’t say that. Do I say that mommy has been trying to do this for years, but dad is afraid to bring us all together, for some reason? Nope, I definitely can’t say that. I cannot tell my son that it’s his dad that is standing in the way of this happening.

Doll, Clown, Sad, Bank, Sit, Colorful, Sweet, Funny

As I am driving away, looking at my sons’ face, I felt awful! “Your dad can come if he wants to.” I said. Besides, we were just headed for a quick bite to eat at that moment. I stopped when I got to the corner. I asked, “What do you want me to do? Should I invite dad to lunch with us?” He said, “Yes.” My son told me that I would have to be the one to ask, because dad would listen to me. (My inside jokester said, oh boy… you have no idea… no he won’t) But, I escaped from that being my response and I just did the dirty work.

Dialing*** He answered the phone, “What’s up, what do you need?” to which I replied, “Hi. Deon wants to know if you would like to grab lunch with us.” He explained that he had some other appointments and things he needed to do. He thanked me for the invite and that was it. I hung up the phone and my son asked, “Does he really have something to do or is he just saying that?” Geez! I am slapping my forehead at this point. All these questions. LOL.

All I could think to say was, “Well, what would we do with (xyz) dad’s girlfriend? My son responds, “IonKno” followed by a, ‘least of my concern, shoulder Scruggs and facial expression’. I thought that if I threw her into the mix, (reminding my son that xyz may get hurt and he shouldn’t want to hurt her because he already told me he likes her) that my son would consider the fact that his dad has a girlfriend that we all like. (Internal thought: My son told me one day that he was afraid to tell me that he liked xyz, because he did not want to hurt my feelings. Little did he know, but I assured him, this was music to my ears because it was all I was worried about) Man, I wish they knew how much this meant to him.

Little Boy, Child, Son, Play, Outdoors, Toys, Cars

But then I thought that if I used her, it would make it seem as if there was a possibility of his dad and I being together if xyz didn’t exist. And that’s not the case, so I tried to fix it. So, I asked, “Well what will mommy do with her fiancé?” Oops… had to take that back too, because again it sounds like if mommy was not in a relationship, that there was a possibility. Altogether, I didn’t want my son to become hopeful about there ever being a possibility. (Because doesn’t he need to know that there’s no possibility?) Or do I just address and work on the problem that he is having, which is trying to get us in the same room to do things together? Because if I fix that, wouldn’t he stop asking us to get remarried? – Stop me when I start over-thinking this!

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I didn’t want my son to think that the reason that his dad and I were not together, was due to us being committed to other people. Because that’s not the reason. And for all I know, if he thought this, he could begin to resent our partners if he thought they were the reasons for his biological parents not being together. (Furthermore, he doesn’t need to know the real reason we are not together, right?)

Bottom line is this. I want my son to know that his dad and I do not have to be married for us all to do things together. But I am not able to show him this, as I am restricted. I want him to know that we can do things together with both individuals that we are involved with. I want him to know this so that he can abandon the idea of us ever getting married again, with ease.

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I’d be remiss not to say that I notice when my son is happiest and it’s when he sees that his dad and I are in one place at one time, with him. Such as during his Baseball games. I want my son to be happy. With that in mind, there’s always a thought in my head about when the time will come that everyone will be able to blend.

I want my child’s underlying request to be granted, which is for us to have a cohesive relationship where we can have positive interactions as parents, in the presence of my son. I want to blend our families and have the luxury of them joining us for dinner or lunch, so that my son can know and feel that we are all part of one team.