SOOO, I am not a good mother since my ex can’t piss me off anymore?

Warning: Excessive foul and Expressive language may be used to express excessive points. If you are sensitive and more importantly if you are a bitch ass baby daddy- you may want to exit right now. You have already been warned.

Disclaimer: I am tired as fuck of my baby daddy and his air balls at pissing me off.

Here’s the post he’s been waiting for: This is how the story went…. A fleeting time ago I was hit with the devastating news that I was losing custody of my child to his father, whom successfully gained custody after lying his Ars off in court. Lies included him saying that I did not care about my son, he did not believe that I was a good parent, a loving mother and that I had no concern for my child’s health and overall well-being. He said that I did not spend time with him and that I poked fun at the fact that he had a TIC on social media. He lied about me endangering my child. (All made up) He even went on to make these false and meritless statements, none of which were supported by any documentation, evidence or anything other than his opinion and word. Go Figure!

He had me jailed on a false accusation. He caused me a criminal record over a false accusation. Never providing proof nor evidence – and the prosecutor never heard from the witnesses but went to the grand jury with a bunch of opinions- and because that’s the way it works in Texas, they indicted me. However they ultimately dismissed the case two years later. But guess what? ITS STILL ON MY RECORD and still affects my life! The damage was done.

The sad part is that idiots of the world only see that he won the custody battle, so they believe this shit must have been true. They don’t have the details or the back story and absolutely no wherewithal to discern between truth and lies- they are lazy as fuck and would rather go off what they hear rather than to research.

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For those who know me, they knew that this was a cold-hearted…. Well, A heartless attempt at making me look bad, so that he could get the favorable outcome. All is fair in love and war, right?

He went on to say that I was unemployed, financially unstable and had not proven myself to have stability in life. He harped on his job of 10 plus years, his status as a pharmacist, his salary over 100k and his success at remaining in a home for over 10 years, (the home I left to his ass after trying to show that I wasn’t trying to take anything from him) as his means for solidifying his claims against mine. (Who knew that you couldn’t decide to move from a home to a $2000.00/month apartment and then back to a home within 10 years without being labeled as unstable? Who knew that you couldn’t take on another position with another company making more income within 10 years without being called unstable? Who knew that in Texas, if you have lived in your boring ass home for 10 years and kept the same job for 10 years it meant you were stable) That’s a memo I never got!

I stayed home to take care of my child everyday of his life and he never needed for anything. I provided love, support, affection, attention, teaching, learning opportunity and extra curricular activities- never once denying his dad the opp to be there.

While it was heartbreaking to hear someone that I had known for over 25 years could make such an accusation, especially knowing the leaps and bounds I took for my son, the sacrifices I made for my son and the passion I had for being a mother along with all the things I did for my son before daddy even decided to claim his son, and all the things I did to make sure that Mr. Deadbeat had an opportunity to be in his child’s life when and if he decided to be; I was even more devastated that it came from someone I had blessed with a son and had no hard feelings against. But when a man is scorn, my lord- he can turn into the most evil, vindictive and malicious creature you’ve ever seen. #FACTS And yes, while we are on the subject, his own pathetic mother, grandmother, family and broke ass friends can be a part of it. #CHEERLEADERS

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Now, let me add this: It didn’t help me at all with the custody case that I had written grievance after grievance against the judge and the lawyers involved with this mockery of justice during the 4 years that we were fighting – Along with sharing the story with news channels and making a documentary … A screenplay… etc., Because when it came down to the judge making his decision, opposing counsel made sure that he reminded the judge that I had written a grievance against him and the Judge who was hearing the case. This was hunting season for them. The day they’d all been waiting for had arrived. This was a no win for me. And it had nothing to do with me being a bad parent. It was finally time for them to seek revenge. My custody case was not about how bad or good of a parent I was. It was about what I had posted, written and shared on social media about the injustice that was unfolding in Harris County. And that’s documented in the transcripts of the court from that day (Feb 2017)

I told them all before entering court that I knew there was no way that I would win, when the judge making the decision was already upset about me saying that his ruffled pink socks did not match his cute little skirt. I knew that opposing counsel felt some type of way about me talking about his correction shoes (which he even brought up in court….at a damn custody hearing!!) lol. My point of going to court was to have on record all the lies that were being told, because at that point I had to start thinking ahead to all the questions my son would soon have about why he was not with his mother that he loves and adores. I wanted my son to know that I went through the fire! I wanted him to hear for himself, should he ever ask. So, I was at peace. I had to arrive at peace because this was a situation that I was not in control of and no matter how right I was, I was not going to be able to convince a judge that he shouldn’t retaliate against me when he had all the power to do so. That’s just how little men with complexes are. When you point out that they are two feet tall, it’s game on! When you point out that they should not have a seat on the bench because they cannot handle someone telling them when they are wrong, their narcissistic urge to fuck your world up comes into play. They will stop at nothing to show you that Little, Short Men who got no play in school, lives matter. Furthermore, when you have intel about their personal lives, they are on a mission to destroy you before you can destroy them. (Another story for another day)

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I said all that to say that its apparent that I had my share of lashing out as I was angry, upset, mad, disgusted, livid, pissed off, in denial about what was happening, all while seeking justice for my son and trying to make sure that he did end up with the more suitable parent. But in that time, I forgot about how little men handle insults. I forgot about how when they were in high school they were overlooked, so they took on powerful positions in their careers and work life later in life so that they could prove a point and go after every woman or good looking male athlete in defense of the not so popular crown and root for the underdog. My hand was in the lion’s mouth. I was up against insecure, little men with complexes who were pissed off that I called them out. Unfortunately for me, they were the little men who were making the decisions at the end of the day.

But here is where I tell you about how things changed. As mentioned before, I knew what the outcome would be, and I had already planned for it. That’s why when it happened, I moved on without hiccups. I had small setbacks and it bothered me of course, but when you arrive at a place where you realize being down everyday and hurt or remaining in disbelief over a situation doesn’t place you where you need to be and does nothing for the situation, you move the fuck on. You find ways to cope. You see the silver lining. You embark on new journeys and opportunities that are available to you with your new set of circumstances. And if you are smart about it, you make it work.

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But here’s what happens when you do this. You get that email message from your bitch assed baby daddy one day that states that you’re not a good mom and you don’t care about your kid, and mothers “don’t do that” (Move out of the state of texas) since you are not mad anymore about what has taken place. WTF? LOL Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t. They want you to be upset, That’s why they did what they did… long as you are upset, they are happy, but when you find happiness or ways to cope and measures to take which will help you navigate through all the pain, it eats at their soul and the only thing they can tell you is that you are not a good parent since you can only see that you don’t have to take the responsibility of the mistakes they made.. WTF. Moving out of the state all of a sudden means I don’t care about my son? Moving from a place of constant harassment and threats of going to jail, makes me a bad mom? Get over yourself. A smart mom would do just this! So that they will no longer be a target of destruction! And so that they can ensure that their child will have their mother around and not fall victim again to circumstance brought on by an angry father who can’t digest that his BM doesn’t want him.

This is what I see: I see a man who did all he could to destroy my life and instead of destroying my life, he’s slowly destroying our sons. Does that make me happy? Hell no. I am still devastated- but give me one example where being devastated fixed a situation. I’ll wait….. NONE. Action is what fixes a situation. I’m taking action- and that doesn’t include giving more crooked attorneys 100’s of 1000’s of dollars all for them to take money under the table (from opposing parties) and under represent me at the end of the day!

My action is to be there for my child in all the ways that I can. In all the ways I can be, which are all the ways I wholeheartedly want to be. It does not include giving the baby daddy any energy. My plight is not to rescue the daddy from hurt and deliver him from pain of me leaving him or showing him that he hurt me by taking my son under false accusations and playing on the court. My plight is to be the best mom possible and that includes being healthy in mind, body and spirit. If that means that I must cope with a temporary situation because of the cards that were dealt and watch from a distance because I have no other options, then that is what I will do. I will never give up on my son and I will always be here for him, wherever the chips may fall…. but what I will not do is to give my baby daddy the fuel he so desperately needs and desires in knowing that he shattered me when he took my son away just to prevent paying child support. So, my question still is WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL SO MAD?

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Is it because you thought that stating your income would piss your BM off, as if she didn’t know what it was? Is it because you thought you were the only nigga who could take care of your BM? Is it because you thought that none else would want your BM and you’ve found that not to be true? Is it because you mentioned that you are in a relationship and that was supposed to piss your BM off (? which you’re clearly not happy to be in)? Is it because the “stable home” that you are building a new life in, is the same one that you literally built a life in with your BM? Is it because you are just upset that she’s not mad anymore about the lies you told and that the universal laws of karma have proven to you that you can’t get away with murder……? How can you tell her that she’s not a good mom, just because she’s not upset over the outcome anymore? Is it because you now know what it takes to be the custodial parent and you bit off more than you could chew? You don’t get to be upset about having the sole responsibility of providing for your son, when that’s what you asked for! Man Up!

I am making moves that will guarantee my son a successful set up in life, despite the circumstance. I would like Baby daddy to know that now is the time for him to get over himself and his need for constant attention and focus on his son. I would love for him to know that he should not be concerned about what I am doing, if I am doing for my son, the things I can do. I would like for him to know that just because he doesn’t see me angry about the bull shit he pulled in court, does not make me a bad parent. Its an example of someone picking up the cards and moving on, to create a future for the child she cares more about than the feelings of her trifling baby daddy who wants so badly to see her hurting.

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In closing and in response to that ridiculous email about me not being a good mother since I am not mad over not having custody….Fuck you and the horse you rode in on… It’s not about you. It’s about the child. Stop trying to upset your child’s mother. Stop trying to piss your baby mother off. Stop trying to destroy your baby mother…. Think about your child. Yes, your child’s mother has moved on. She has found a life worth living. She has found ways to cope and she has the support to do so. If you were any kind of father, you would want this for her. You would want this for your child. If your child’s mother is still present for your child and supportive of your child’s endeavors, don’t make your life about making her so mad that she is not able to do so. Because when you do………. When you did, with that email, you showed the world what your entire intention was; Which was to make her so mad that she wouldn’t be able to do any of these things. And now you look stupid.

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12 Reads ICYMI, which may inspire you to get you through the Weekend and over your slump.

12 Reads that may inspire you to get you through the Weekend and over your slump. #ICYMI … May even help you address Monday

2018

Mom, Why Do Bad Things Keep Happening To Me https://t.co/wsX3A9S2TZ

Out With The Old, In With The New https://t.co/sR2c2uaexY

When The Ride Of Your Life Drops You Off Without Notice https://www.shesavvy.com/ride-life-drops-off-wo-notic/

The Truth About Getting To The Next Level https://t.co/kp3EcPlgRF

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Mistakes And Decisions Are Not One In The Same https://t.co/pV8CcbsWxE

A Ship Anchored In The Past Will Never Set Sail https://t.co/YbFvNcSoGI

Why I Think The Only Way Up Is To Empower https://t.co/SnJw22oAll

Recognizing The Season Your Relationship Is In https://t.co/6ARSD1ziWm

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25 Rules From The Diary Of A Super Single Mom https://t.co/yU6bw0NqTC

Why I Have Chosen To Refrain From Using The Term Weak http://bit.ly/2wQSbVO

Red Carpets Rewards and A New Year to be YOU https://t.co/p3cfe25ZXk

Now Let Us Address These Elephants https://t.co/cEMVWIfFOv

 

How To Remain Busy In Between Social Seasons

We adore social season! Not just because we get multiple rolling racks of clothes from Designers and Department Stores, tags still in-tact, with recommendations about what to wear to each event and which pair of shoes will go better with the selection of accessories which were also sent over to compliment the wardrobe. Not even because we are gifted the items we choose to wear from the selection that’s sent to us, along with a few others, out of the store’s generosity and compliments of the designer. But because it’s our time to have an enjoyable time.

Woman At Shoe Store

Social Season is to Socialites, what going out every Friday is for everyone else. Because they don’t go out every night, they look forward to these few months to have a drink with friends and meet new friends, while convening for a cause. They sanction the time for being able to socialize with like-minded individuals who have joined the circle and are committed to the mission and vision of awareness campaigns, fundraising events and philanthropic endeavors which they are involved in.

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When those months are over, they retreat to their home. Some run small businesses from the home and others have blogs that they tend to, while others still lead non-profit organizations on into the next social season. For some, they have small shops and boutiques which call for their attention to booking and crunching numbers when there is no assistant, or because they just rather be the closest person to their numbers. Believe it or not, some have absolutely nothing to do but twiddle their fingers.

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I have made a few recommendations below on what you can do during this brief period between social seasons.

Take A Trip: This is probably when travel arrangements are made anyway. Though you may have been just about everywhere you want to go, go again. I am sure there was land untapped and untrodden territory in which you were not able to get to on the last trip. Find a new place to go, somewhere you would have never thought of. Explore the ins and outs of the city in a taxi or on a train. Experience the culture in those cities rather than just the shopping options. Broaden your horizon. You’ll have something to talk about with your new and old friends when the season rolls back around.

Attend a Seminar or take up a class: Education provides an ever-flowing stream of knowledge and no matter how smart you think you are, there is something that you do not know. There is something else to learn. Find a class or seminar that speaks to the ideas you have about creating a more successful fundraising event. Attend a class online for a license or accreditation or certification that pairs with your line of business or a business you would like to open. Share these pearls with your friends or your partner.

Read A Book: Books contain many keys to success. You may find exactly what you are looking for in a book, from an adventure through the visuals to ways to unlock doors in your life which lead to something more fulfilling. Books have been described as the next best thing to traveling. If you don’t want to read a book or have read all the books that you are interested in reading, perhaps you can write one. If you are not into book writing, you can solicit the help of a ghost writer who will be able to take your story and put it into publication.

Learn a new craft: New craft can sound very boring, but that’s because we don’t give full thought to what crafts may include. It’s not just about sewing and knitting, crocheting and making curtains. Crafts can include so much more, such as: You can learn to make wine, cheese, candles, pottery, glass and jewelry. I can guarantee this will be an interesting topic for discussion at your next event and you can also use some of these items as party favors, giveaways and silent auction items.

Spend time with your children: We all know that social season can be demanding of your time, no matter how much fun you end up having when the party comes together. And knowing that, means knowing that you end up spreading yourself thin. Take this down time to spend more time with the children. Give the nanny the day/week/month off. Give the chef the day off and get in the kitchen with the little ones to bake cookies together. Cook dinner for the family. Take a cooking class together. Take your teenager to the movies, or spend time in your home with them watching Netflix. Bond with them (or at least try to) we know how teenagers can be.

Learn an unfamiliar dance: You can use this time to take up a dance class, learn to salsa, tango, belly dance, waltz, jive, ball room dance, hustle, flamenco, samba, mamba, lambada, quick step, east coast swing, swing and tap. This will prepare you for the next social season as well, when there is a theme involved.

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Other things you can do in the meantime:

Take up photography. Take up an acting class, yoga or Pilates. Use this time to work out, get in shape or stay in shape for the next social season. Explore Bike-riding, spinning class, hiking trails.

Use this time to build better relationships with those new friends you met at the last event. Use this time to get together with new and old friends to work on a project. Schedule a spa date to make it more fun. Plan a Women’s day outing. Take a girls-trip.

Work on something around the house, such as clearing the closet getting rid of items no longer needed, schedule for the salvation army to pick it up items you would like to give away. Rearrange furniture, making for a more inviting space. Decorate the house, adding accents to compliment the new season.

This list can go on and on. There are many things you can do to pass the time between social seasons, in which you can have a wonderful time doing. You must dust off the old thinking cap and get to it.

Get Your Foot Out Of The Doorway And Allow It To Close

Leaving the door cracked, partially closed or propped open is the same as leaving it open. WHO ARE YOU KIDDING? When we leave openings of any kind, small or large it creates a space for people and things to continuously seep in, re-entering our life, to exist and set up residency in our future. This arrangement can bring destruction to the greater things that life may have for us. IE: Remaining in any sort of a relationship that’s not edifying to our spirit, pauses and in some cases, it puts the brakes on any chance for us to find happiness in something else and someone else.

Stop committing sender/receiver error. More so, stop receiving things that break you down, break you apart, tear into your soul and destroy your heart. Revoke those things! Deny it, speak against it and be pro-active in making sure you do not invite it in.

We do it all the time when we send/receive and accept those phone calls from our from the past. We commit this error when we accept those text and then we wonder why our life is in a constant state of rewind, a loop in which we can’t escape. We commit this error when we think an innocent lunch with our ex, or a drink just to catch us, will not leave us with the remorse of opening old wounds. It happens when we think we are strong enough to be in the presence of an old addiction without succumbing to the pressure and temptation that come along with it. When you leave the door open, you cannot question why there are flies in your soup.

This is what happens when we respond to those Happy whatever messages, such as: Happy Birthday, Happy Mother’s Day, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year

Sometimes, all a person needs to hear from you is a response be it good or bad, for them to misinterpret your intentions. For some, a negative reply is better than no reply, so you are continuing to feed their delusions with saying anything at all. When you reply, you then wonder how they came back into your life, but it was you who extended the invitation.

Stop “trying to be nice.” There is nothing mean about ignoring a text or a phone call or a voicemail message from someone in your past that you want to get away from. It’s not rude to close the door on people who have constantly shut it in your face or slammed it on your finger. When you leave the door cracked, you’re essentially sending the message that this is something that you would potentially go back to.

You may think that responding is a show of how you have peacefully moved on with the ability to be cordial. You can achieve this with a no reply. Or perhaps it defines your point of being the bigger person instead of participating in the pettiness of not responding. But why are you even concerned about the interpretation someone may get from you responding or not responding, when you can give two effs about them? Honestly, I just don’t think about unimportant people on such special occasions. I don’t have to display this with a “cordial response.” It does not make you bitter in not responding. It makes you aware of what you need to do in order to fully move out of your past and into your future, if you don’t have intentions on taking the past with you.

Beware of This: “We can still be friends.”

That is them trying to make sure that you have left the door cracked for them. They are periodically checking to see if you’ve left the light on for them.

Here’s your response: Nothing!

Because when you have decided to leave the past in the past, you have said to yourself, “No, we can’t be friends because we have had such a volatile past and an explosive history that has brought more pain than pleasure. You are no good for my future and all you have done and continue to do, is bring misery into my life on multiple levels.

To continue to respond beyond this point is showing yourself powerless to move on from a situation that no longer serves you. Everything does not deserve a response and every person certainly doesn’t deserve your time and attention. Delete the messages and move on.

I used to be the person who thought it was necessary to at least say Happy Father’s Day to men I knew who were Fathers, or Happy New Year to people just to show that there were no hard feelings about the past, but then a time came where I forgot to do so. I forgot that it was someone’s birthday and I became too busy to respond. It wasn’t important anymore. With that change, I realized that the only reason I did it in the past was because they still meant something to me. Whatever it was, they were still holding a place marker in my life, in which they were not worthy of holding- no matter how much I told myself that they didn’t. When you truly move on to a new space in life, this is what happens.

When happiness finds you, you have no time to entertain the past by any account. When you find that which you have been seeking and it brings you joy, you have no desire to revisit the past or any of its reminisces. When you find yourself in a euphoric state of being, the last thing on your mind is coming down from that elevated place of existence and truth be told, you’ll fight anything that tries to bring you out of it.

Sometimes it’s as simple as changing your number, your address, your location. Other times, you may not be able to do so, but you are certainly able to change the way you respond; meaning no response is a good response. This only works when you truly want it to work.

Ask yourself, who do you give two effs about hearing from again?

Are you in a place where you are ready to let go of the past? Are you in a place where you can accept the fact that you may never hear from this person again when you hit them with the no reply?

There are many people whom did not get that scheduled Happy New Year text or Happy Holiday text from me this year, or a reply…and it wasn’t intentional. It’s because I have long moved passed what I thought was a necessity in responding and the space they used to occupy has been filled, to where I whole-heartedly did not think about them. I was too busy with the things that matter to me in life. It was because I TRULY do not give two effs if I ever heard from those people again, and I would go on living either way. Although, I do wish them all the best

Pulling The Plus On Your Own Life Support

Wellbeing

Is there ever a time where you say, I need to get away from everything and everyone that I know to get back to myself? Yes. There is. Finding yourself in a place where you’re not allowed to be an adult, because you must follow everyone else’s rules, is the time to get away. Run away, go away, stay away.

Do you feel like you’re fulfilling the life of someone else? By which you must do exactly what they say, or else? Or else meaning that they will cut you off financially, or give you the silent treatment, or dis own you or anything else along these lines, if you don’t do exactly what they say or if you express a difference in opinion?

You don’t get to make your own mistakes, and you don’t get to make your own decisions because you’re following someone else’s rules and demands…. So, then you never know where life could have led you if you followed your own path or submitted to the divine intervention that you feel that you have been subjected to because against your better judgement, you did what someone else demanded you to do because they had control over you. You had to do what they said to do because they felt as though they had all the answers to your life and because they thought they had all the answers- you had to do it, because you’re in no position to not do what they tell you to do.

However, you’re the only person who will suffer from the circumstances/consequences that come on after the demand to do something you didn’t want to do, but only did because someone else demanded that you do it.

The demand comes in several different outfits. It can be that the person who is telling you to do something, will change their demeanor toward you if you don’t do it. It can come in the form of that person discontinuing an affiliation or association with you. It can come in the form of someone treating you differently after you refused to heed their command.

For instance: A parent tells a child to take the trash out on Tuesday afternoon, but the child knows that vicious dogs are out on Tuesday afternoon and insist that they take it out on Tuesday night instead. The parent tells the child, “No, I said take it out right now…” and when you fail to move… the parent spends that time ignoring you or giving you the silent treatment and making you feel that they will no longer be your friend/confidant/parent/mother/father… until you take the trash out like they told you to. Never considering the age of the child being an adult in this instance. Never considering how it may affect their child.

The only principle they are practicing is that if they tell their child to do something, that the child does it. Or, they feel that you should just do it period, because they are the ones who are supporting you. You must do whatever they say, even when you know it’s not good for you. You must heed their command because they are the ones who call the shots. You do not have the right to make your own decisions about what you feel is the right thing to do in life or your situation- because they are looking at you as if you’ve made bad decisions in the past and that’s why you’re in a situation where you need them. And because you don’t want to point the finger or go tic for tac, about details of those decisions, tarrying into the past and opening old wounds, you accept it. That adage which says, “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.” Or the scripture, “Honor thy mother and they father” … you just grin and bear it.

The parent feels as though their instruction is law. The parent feels as though the child should do what they tell them to do, because it’s what they should do. The parent has no regard for what the child may feel is right, because it may be contradictory to their instruction. The parent has no regard for the feeling that the child has about the assignment and they have no regard for the divine instruction that the child says he/she may have received about what should be done, because all they can see is that they have a child who they are taking care of. As if GOD only communicates with the parents and not the child, because the child is not worthy of communication with GOD if he/she is in a position where they need help.

Mom knows best and if mom says do it, you do it. That’s the underlying factor. And even though the parent has witnessed the attacks of the vicious dog on Tuesday afternoon, they still tell you to take the trash out-and they stand on the belief that the dog will not attack you. (because they are uber religious) never-mind the nature of a vicious dog.

So, next week you decide… OK, I am going to take the trash out on Tuesday afternoon because this is what my mom/dad says, and I know that they are the ones who are supporting me, so I better to exactly as they say or else… (because that’s the feeling they give if you go against your better judgement) So, you take the trash out and you get viciously attacked by the dogs.

I pause to say…You can have all the empathy and sympathy in the world for a person who has been viciously attacked by a ruthless dog, but if it wasn’t you who lost an arm, a leg, and you have not been hospitalized for the wounds… or paralyzed from the waist down, you cannot under any circumstance relate to the pain. But the child is stuck with it. So, what now?

Now your child resents you and doesn’t want to take any instruction from you at all. They see you differently, because of the way you move. They cannot trust that you have their best interest at heart. They are not as willing to make information readily available about their life and life choices. They truly want to exclude you from anything that they do, because it seems better that way. They don’t really want your support anymore because your support comes with the caveat of you telling the entire world about their problems with no discretionary discernment. They see that you will deliver them right into the hand of the enemy (the dog) only because you believe that no weapons formed will prosper but you don’t understand that if that was true in totality, that good people would not suffer. (beyond saying that everything happens for a reason. Because the point is that if the dog never had the opportunity to attack, the child would not be a paraplegic.)

Parents, Christian parents especially, sometimes feel that it’s their natural born right to discuss the affairs of their child, with anyone that they feel comfortable with. But sometimes, especially in old age, they put their trust in people who are not deserving. Mostly, the pastor of their church, who they may praise or see as “the good guy” since he’s the pastor…He must be the upright, honest, sinless, perfect, without fault, born again do no wrong man of GOD. They do not do a critical analysis of an individual’s motives and intent, when discussing their child. (Throwing them to the wolves)

Listen: Doing exactly what someone else says to do is not always the best thing to do. Even when is your mother or father, big brother or big sister. And especially when you hear that voice deep within speaking to you about what to do. Some decisions you must make in your own. Being in the position where you feel like you must, knowing it’s not the best, is toxic. Get to a place that’s edifying to your spirit. If you are in a place where you feel that you cannot make your own decisions and you are being told what to do or forced to things you don’t want to do, it’s not a good place by no stretch of the imagination. You will have a deeper battle ahead, in which you will need to create a means of financial stability if this is the strain you’re under, but you can. I don’t want to make it sound easy because I know that it’s not. It’s the hardest thing to do if you ask me. I am just saying that it can be done. Whatever you need to do to get you out of this kind of situation, just do it.

Originally Published on SheSavvy.com

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Why Moving Out Of My Home Was Bitter Sweet and Why My New Situation Is Sweet As Pie

I moved into my home, in the Sienna Plantation Subdivision of Sugarland, Texas; in April of 2012. I had every intention of making it home for at least the following 5 years. I wanted a place for my son to grow, to call his own and to run around with all the freedom a One-Year old could want. I wanted a community, where extra-curricular activities, in a family-oriented environment and a family-friendly neighborhood; were in plethora. I wanted the security of knowing that my son was in a safe neighborhood (as safe as it could be anyway – little to no crime) and in a home where he had a large backyard, to run wild in the grass. I thought of that land that our home sat on when I was in grade school, and how we could go outside in the backyard and have the time of our life, without being in harm’s way. I wanted this for my child.

I accomplished that when I picked out the house, April of that year. Even though the move was a sudden and quick move, only looking at two other homes before deciding on this one, I was completely satisfied. I found the house on a Friday and I had moved in within a week. When I looked at this house, I saw myself in the kitchen being able to see the entire backyard, as my child was playing outside.

As I walked through the downstairs, admiring the open kitchen and bar area, the entertainment living room, which had floor to ceiling windows that stretched over 16 feet, allowing natural light to illuminate the entire downstairs area; I settled at the fireplace. I gazed over the backyard, from corner to corner, while standing indoors, at the fireplace. The whole back of the home, was wide-open. I envisioned a flat screen TV above the fireplace, accompanied by fancy art, which would anchor both sides for symmetrical purpose. I am a person who often seek balance, and it penetrates each part of my life. The living room was just one. I fancied the idea of raw paintings, that would adorn the collar bones of the home.

The walls had yet to be painted. Just the way I like it… A blank canvas. I knew that I wouldn’t paint them either, because there’s something about the look of clean, white walls, throughout a wide-open home. I took noticed the multiple options that I had, for placement of family portraits and moments, which would be captured between my son and me, for the duration of our stay.

I moved beyond the living room, into the downstairs Master Bedroom, which had a window seat and another large, open window area. It was just the right size, just what I was used to. The Master-Bath was to my liking, as well as the walk-in closet that would support alllll the clothes, shoes and purses that I would be bringing. From there, I moved throughout the breakfast area and dining room, just before heading upstairs. Once upstairs, on the catwalk, I had a choice to go left or right to decide which room would suit my son. But I took a pause, for that breath-taking moment, as I looked down, over the living area. The tall windows allowed me to see beyond the fence in the backyard, into the bayou. The privacy was just what I needed.

I took the right… Headed right to the room that I knew would be perfect for the little one. It was just off the open play area, where if I were downstairs in the living room, I could look up and see him always. The other side of the house, seated two additional bedrooms and a full-sized bath. So, there I was. 4 bedrooms, large walk-in closets, plenty of room, open kitchen, entertainment living-room, dining area, breakfast area, large laundry, open floor plan with lots of natural light, large, fenced-in backward, 2 car garages and the home was located at the end of the street, last house in the circle… on Story Book Trail. I was good. I was home.

Fast forward 5 years later, after I had hung my coat, and settled in over the years, making this home my resting place; I wondered through some old photos. It reminded me of the first day that I moved in. I sat in that timeless moment of nostalgia. I cried, I laughed, I danced. I thought about the reality of it being March 2017, and how the close of my custody trial had also brought a close to my story, on Story Book Trail. I would be moving out of the home in a week. I needed to get away. I thought about some not so great moments that happened in the home, which caused me to view to home a little differently, 1-year into being there. I loved the home, but shortly after I moved in and only after I revealed my address, some random acts of vandalism began to occur. At that moment, I wanted out of the house, but I had to make the best of the unpleasant situation and remain put, until the time was right to leave.

I was getting so much negative energy about being able to live in such a lovely home, (how could she afford it, that’s not her home, who’s paying for her home, it must be a rental or did she purchase it, she doesn’t have a job, she needs to get a job). (And the best one of all, “she’s using child support money to pay for it” ALTHOUGH, I wasn’t getting child support, I was paying child support) and all of this was creating a ball of hate, which was beginning to grow legs, arms, eyes and vicious teeth. It was hovering over my life unwarranted. It was crawling through my home, disturbing my peace. It was killing the spirit of joy throughout the walls of my home. Every time I looked around, something else was occurring.

It was almost like watching an apple decay. A beautiful apple, turning from red to black. From plump, to a soft and fetal position. A series of events were tarnishing my home. From break ins while I was out of town, to tampering with my phone lines and security systems, to people showing up disguised as delivery services and phone company representatives, who only wanted to get inside my home to plant wires… to the home being rummaged through while I was away. Even installing a security system didn’t work, because through the phone lines and my computer, my space had been invaded, violated and my privacy was destroyed.

But then I thought to myself, this is the 5th year, and all that I had planned for. Everything that was pushing me away from that home, was pushing me into the direction of something so much greater. I did not understand while it was happening. But I understand it now. I understood it while I was packing up and getting ready for greater. I had my last dance with the home, entertaining my son and his friends as they ran about outside, playing in water wars and washing the cars. I had my last rendezvous with the home the last night over a bottle of wine. I had my last affair with the home as I sat in the soaker. I walked the home corner to corner, as I had done when I moved in, taking in all the precious moments that were spent there- from room to room. I sat in each room and prayed. I walked upstairs and downstairs closing all the doors, as you would, a book once finished. I turned off all the lights, disconnected all services, closed all the blinds and locked the door for the last time. I was smiling and I never looked back, as I drove away.

Had I moved, prior to the season for me to move, I would be in a repeat situation. I am convinced, that it was by purpose, that I remained in that house until all the court hoopla came to a head, where I was then able to move at my leisure, unbothered and unfollowed. GOD is still good.

“There is always a sign that Precedes the move of GOD” That was the sound of those doors locking, one last time. That was the sound of me driving away from Story Book Trail, as that story was over.

Walking out of the house, I could hear only “One Sound.” That was the sound of “The Anthem” featuring Gospel Singer, William Murphy and the Full Baptist Church. Halleluiah, you have won the victory. You have won it all for me. Death could not hold you down, you are the risen king, seated in majesty, you are the risen King! I am grateful that GOD kept me in the valley, hid me from the rain… forever, he will reign.

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Here’s 10 Ways to win the heart of this woman, just in case you were wondering

There is no skeleton key for opening my heart. There are some things that may work with some women, which does not work for me. This is due to differences that we may have in our priorities, prioritizing, responsibilities, my age, my culture, my background and upbringings. I do feel that my list of things, fall in line with what a woman should require, but who am I to tell anyone who never asked me, what she should require? There are characteristic requirements that I seek in a gentleman, in which another woman may not require or she may not put the same amount of weight on it, when it comes to doing what it takes to get into her heart. To each his own, and for me… it’s this:

respect

  1. RESPECT: I am coo-coo for coco puffs, over a gentleman who has respect not just for me, but for other women. He can’t degrade any female while in my presence and especially not his mother or the mother of his child. A man should always treat a woman like a queen. She should carry herself as such, but when he sees that she is not, I believe that he should encourage her to do better, rather than to perpetuate her unladylike characteristics. I think he should always hold her to a higher standard, by respecting her. This is demonstrated in the way he is to talk to a woman and the way he treats her overall. Never being a misogynistic A-hole or a male chauvinist.
  2. LOVE for my child: There are many women who choose to date and have a separate life, apart from the one where their child is involved, because the person they date, does not want to be involved in the child’s life- or the woman doesn’t really want him to be around her child. I think when it comes to me, the reason I chose not to do this, is because I am not a serial dater or a casual dater. When I date, it is because I have a real interest in something developing between the person that I give my time to. I don’t care for a man who wants a life with me that does not include my son. Meaning, we can’t play house during the week, but then you disappear when I have my son, because you don’t want to “have anything to do with” children. I have a child. And so, I am a package deal.
  3. MANNERS: A man who has good manners when it comes to sitting at the dinner table in a formal setting breeds a second date. When he knows that there is a time and place for everything, without me having to break it down, it’s less work for me and I don’t feel so much like I have a project or a fixer-upper. When out in public, where the need for etiquette skills to be demonstrated, are done so, with ease… it gives me the sense of comfort that I need to continue entertaining him. I love to see a man treating the waiter and waitress with respect, saying please and thank you. The topper is when I see a man who knows that it is necessary to address my parents as, Maam’ and Sir…. saying Yes and No Sir, when asked a question.
  4. CHILVERY: While the above manners, fall under Chilvery, there are more things that do so as well. Opening doors for his lady, adorning her with cards that read sentiments of his love and respect, honor and commitment to her, in addition to flowers for no reason, are a few simple things that go into the metal ingredients, which makes up the key to my heart. When a man knows these things without me having to tell him or ask him for it, it’s bonus! I do not like when I must tell a man how to treat a lady. I do realize that there are a small society of men who may not truly know or realize and understand that this is what a lady might require, due to what he has been allowed to get away with in other women.
  5. COURTING: Maybe I am just from the South and I am addicted to the ways of the South, where courting a girl first, was a way of life. Courting, I believe goes hand in hands with chivalry. Courting requires getting to know a woman on a deeper level, and showing her that you care, and are around for the long haul. This included “dating” her…taking her out. It’s like a try-out. If you want to be the MVP, you must do the work of an MVP. You must show her the value of having you, show her that you are a man who knows what to and will do what it takes, instead of just being another player. Show her that you want the ball. It’s making your intention clear by treating her like the lady she deserves to be treated as. It’s having a vested interest in taking it beyond dating, and into something serious.

chilvery

To piggy back a little on chivalry, respect, good manners: If a man offers to take me out to dinner, I expect a man to know that he will be picking up the bill, unless I offer and/or insist on paying for my purchase. If a man gets up for a bathroom break when he knows the bill is coming, he should also know that he will never be seeing me again. If a man fumbles his wallet when the check comes, giving any indication that he was not prepared to pay, he can make it the final payment that he will ever have to make when it comes to me.

washed car

  1. Wash my car and take out the trash – without me asking! When a man is around and the trash is still sitting in the garage, the hallway or the kitchen and any other part of the house, I think he’s a lazy boy, off the rip. I should not have to tell any man that he should stop walking by the trash and take it to the garbage outside or to the street for trash pick-up. Lastly, I should not be driving a dirty car, when there’s a man in my life. I expect him to know that he should always make sure that my car is clean and up to date on service. I need a man who knows this.
  2. Converse and listen– I said it before, I love a sociable guy and one that can hold his own in a conversation or in a crowded room, where the need for diversity in communication skills are needed. However, I do not like a man who goes on and on about himself, other people and never takes time for a breath. I do not like a man who does not listen, for the sake of him talking too much. A man who doesn’t listen, is usually holding on to his next thought, and is the reason he did not hear anything that you said. I can’t tell you how annoying it is for me to have to repeat myself- due to someone not listening.

date

This is where the list gets a little shorter, as the last 3 things are that I require, I wouldn’t quite consider to be red flags. It doesn’t make a man a bad person, if he doesn’t possess these qualities. But they are certainly things that I still consider and account for, when taking a closer look at accepting his offer for a relationship.

  1. Take Heed to The Things I Like and Don’t Like: Such as: Niedria prefers carnations over roses. Niedria prefers fresh seafood over frozen. Niedria prefers red wine over white wine. Niedria prefers silver jewelry over gold jewelry. My sister dated a guy once, who kept a list of her likes and don’t likes in his phone. His list grew as he got to know her. When holidays came around, he knew just what to get. When invited to dinner, he knew just what to say. When going out for a night on the town, he knew just where to take her. When she was upset, he knew just what he did.
  2. Sense of humor – He’s got to crack a joke or two, or at least able to take one. A witty and intelligent guy is attractive to me. When he can jump right in, with rebuttal jokes, against my random joking spells, he has what it takes.
  3. TATTOOS: Yes, it’s a little-known fact. It’s not a deal breaker, if the man is of a certain age- but I do love tattoos.  See Full Article on CafeMom