Advice giving becomes challenging, when the receiver is not ready

Advice giving becomes challenging, when the receiver is not ready

You can’t take a lot of people with you, because some people are not ready to go. However, I am always willing to take them. I do this through sharing experiences, being open and honest in offering advice and being available to answer some of life’s most challenging questions when I can personally relate to it.

I do this by opening the book of my life to them, free of charge. I do it without expecting anything in return except for them to take what I give them when they ask for it. Or to respect my time enough to do not return for the same advice on the same situation that they chose to ignore and continue to ignore.

However, it’s important to know that some people can’t take what you give them because they do not have the space for it. They are consumed with what they want to do and what they think will work, void the fact that they have come to you for advice. They have not cleared the space in their mind, to receive your wisdom. This must be why people say that you can not help the man who is not willing to help himself.

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The problem I am finding is a lot of people want advice on overcoming a problem, where they can still take the problem with them. In other words, what they are really looking for, is a way to solve a problem that would also allow them to keep the problem. But unless you can turn that problem into a workable or viable solution, it will always be a problem.

When you are seeking advice, there is some work that you will need to put in, on your behalf. You must take the baby steps such as bracing yourself to hear something that you may not want to hear; getting prepared to follow through; being ready to move. This creates the space to receive the advice that YOU are asking for.

This should manifest in actions. Because if you want to get through it, you may have to do something that you don’t want to do. Are you willing? And are you ready?

Example: A woman who is finding it hard to leave a relationship with a man because she loves him. He treats hear badly and is abusive.

What is she ready to receive in her advice seeking?

She seeks advice on how to get out of an abusive relationship. The advice giver shares with her a rock-solid plan, over and over and wonders why she keeps asking how to get out. It’s because she’s only ready to receive advice on how to stay and make him just stop tearing her down. Do you see how this situation would change the advice? The Advice giver is telling her how to get out,  but she cannot receive that because she is really looking for a way to keep the problem and just make it better. You can’t give her that advice when the unchanging variable is that he will not stop. She must be the changing variable here, and she must want her outcome of “getting out” before you can offer that advice.

People in Front of Macbook Pro

A different example of when advice giving becomes hard:

They ask you what to do and how to do something specific, in which you may have done. But then, they don’t move as fast or with the consistency that they should. I am not speaking of minutes and seconds which could still make all the difference, but I am speaking about when an action needs to be taken in which they’ve had ample time to take, but they haven’t moved in years.

What are they ready to receive?

What they really want is advice on how to keep doing things their way, but to achieve the result that you achieved. You moved quick and swift, but they want you to tell them how to drag their feet and do it.

They continue to do things their way but come back to you over and over wondering why THEIR own plan to achieve YOUR results are not working. Tell them to come back to you after they have tried everything that they want to try. Because while there are several ways to accomplish most things, you cannot keep asking someone over and over, what to do or what they did, if after they have told you over and over, you are not going to follow through.

By allowing them to continue to return to you about their situation, one in which they are in because they will not follow through; you are enabling them to prolong what needs to be done. At the same time, they will want you to live in the idle moments with them, constantly reflecting or remaining immobile in their approach toward moving from their stagnant place. Remove yourself from their cycle of repeat behavior. When they can no longer count on you to help prolong the process, perhaps they will move. Or offer them minimal support but refrain from advice.

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I also want to be very clear that this advice pertains to things that someone CAN do something about. When they are the ones standing in their own way, they can move out of their own way and see the results they want. It’s much different from a situation where several factors weigh in on ones’ ability to move now. Real factors, not a false sense of fear or effortless actions to move on their own behalf.

One last thing: When advice-seekers give you the scenario and leave out keen details, they are looking for a response that will fit what they want to do. They are a part of their own problem. Sometimes they are showing you a false scenario and that’s why they can’t find the solution for themselves. When they intentionally leave out details, they too know that this is the real problem but until they are honest with themselves about it, your advice will not help them.

Be honest about your situation when you’re seeking advice. Otherwise, it’s counterproductive. Also, it’s not being considerate of the time of the person you’re asking advice from. Because at some point you’re going to keep resurfacing with the same problem because you’re applying advice in a situation where it doesn’t fit!

When you seek someone’s’ advice about how to handle a Caterpillar, but you’ve omitted the part about it being a Butterfly, the advice is different. If you can’t recognize that a Caterpillar is now a Butterfly, then you will keep treating a butterfly situation like the caterpillar.

Being dishonest and not forthcoming about major details that could alter the advice in your advice seeking is a sign that you are not ready to move from the situation.

Front Load Loader Beside White Dump Truck

Another Reference: Demanding someone’s time and attention to your urgent matter of getting across a bridge with an 18-Wheeler but you don’t want to share that detail with the person you’re asking, so you lead them to believe it’s a compact car. Here’s what happens: An 18-wheeler comes with a different set of instructions, which would alter the advice of the wheeler versus the car. But you take that advice based on a using a car and you attempt to cross on that bridge. What happens? You fall into a deeper more dangerous situation, thus creating an even bigger problem, dragging your advice giver with you.

The only solutions I can offer to the person in the position to give advice, is to stop or to study your subject more carefully and to gauge their readiness to receive the advice; so that you can preserve your time.

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It is necessary to add that this bold approach to stop giving advice is with consideration given to the fact that you have already been compassionate with them. You’ve treated them delicately, careful not to upset them, hurt them or kick them while they are down. You’ve been patient with them. You’ve tolerated all you can in watching them not help themselves and not be willing to take the advice. And when I say that people are not ready, I also speak of people who are not ready to hear the truth because to them, anything other than what they want to hear will come across as rude and unsettling.

I think that the only people who are equipped in handling some of these situations are licensed professionals and specialist who are trained to the nature of people in these areas, who can recognize the deeper, underlying issues, causes and concerns and remain unbiased in addressing them.

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Cultivating Lasting Friendships

It is true that everyone you meet in life will serve some type of purpose. People come and go. All are not meant to remain in your life forever. Some serve purpose for a season, a reason and once the time passes; they drift and the memories fade while the impact remains. If we are kind to ourselves, we will recognize each person for who they are and even when they were not serving, we will see purpose in the departure. We will have learned something from that alone.

A lucky few will find a diamond in the rough that we call friends. When we are so fortunate, we must adhere to the rules of cultivating a lasting friendship.

Sharon and I are living proof that friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest. It’s about who walked into your life, said I am here for you and have proved it.

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We were two people in the same place at the right time when our paths crossed. I was doing my regular, which was sitting outside Crave Cupcakes; indulging in a half a dozen cupcakes by myself, as I basked in the sun. She, striding down the sidewalk in full, savvy business attire with a briefcase in one hand and cell phone in the other; the epitome of a Business Woman.

Strangers to one another, we exchanged hellos and compliments upon greeting each other. She then took a seat at my cupcake table and subsequently, in my life. We chatted for about two hours that afternoon and the rest was history. That day, she became Malibu Barbie and I, Jewel-Time Barbie.

In our recent girl chat, we were conversing about how we met. We laughed about some of the things we have been through and about how our friendship has grown over the years. It dawned on us that many people do not know what it takes to make friendship with another woman, work. So, we wanted to share what exists in our friendship and what we think it takes to cultivate a lasting friendship.

I think in our case, we both possessed a level of confidence in ourselves which allowed us to SEE each other, the day we met. Had we not, we would not have been able to pass on the compliments and have the exchange. Some people are not willing or are not able to interact with someone who seems to have it all. We saw one another as an equal. She had it all, I had it all-whatever that was!

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Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com

Here are some things to consider:

You can’t feel threatened by your friend: You can’t take score or count years and how much time it takes them over you, to excel or to reach a goal or to achieve things in life. While you can take inventory of your own life, you shouldn’t measure it by your friend success in such a way that you feel that you need to compete with them or keep up with them and always one up them to satisfy yourself.

Because when you do this, it’s not a motivation factor anymore. It becomes a rigorous competition. You will not be able to commend your friend at this point. Because you’re too busy pointing out to them what you did.

We congratulate and clap when the other person wins! We want to see each other win, succeed and be happy and healthy and we don’t just say it; we show it by being positive, motivating factors for each other

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Photo by nappy on Pexels.com

We’ve never been jealous of one another. We don’t compete

We feed off each other’s energy. We make friendship deposits in equal exchange

We uplift, inspire and encourage each other

We respect opinions and agree to disagree where compromise in understanding is not reached

We respect differences

We are eager to learn from one another: We KNOW that we can learn something from the other and we are open to learning without being intimidated

We trust one another: We can confide in one another without fear of our deepest secrets being repeated; which allows us to be open, transparent and vulnerable. We can vent without it being thrown in our face later.

We do not do things to intentionally upset the other and because of that, we never have to “get even”

We give each other the time and space that may be needed sometimes

We don’t just hear one another, we listen to one another

We offer solutions in our advice-giving versus opinions full of self-serving emotions

We show up for one another and are make ourselves available; We make ourselves available for emergencies – we also respect the other individuals time, where when it’s not an emergency we don’t require their immediate attention

I think all the above are the ingredients that make up our friendship and have allowed us to continue with the friendship that we have. Life can throw curve balls every now and again. It is my hope that you too, are able to endure those times with someone that you can call a friend. It makes it so much easier.

The Who What When Where and Why that you may want to concern yourself with

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When, Where & What:

In the spirit of being our own constant reminder that we are valuable, purposeful and destined for greatness, we must have what I refer to as a safe space. A safe place can be of physical form (a park, a body of water, your closet, a hobby) or mental form (meditation through yoga or being still) and it is a place that you retire to in any moment where you feel torn apart, broken, stagnant, confused, hurt, defeated, berated and belittled in your life. It’s a place where you go to find peace, relax, relate and release through talking out loud, thinking things through, practicing breathing techniques, being alone to recharge or rejuvenate, calm down and re-center yourself to emerge like the phoenix.

Woman Wearing Gray Short-sleeved Shirt at Daytime

Why:

The reason we must cultivate an atmosphere in our lives for such a space/place to exist is because if we rely on someone to do this for us, they may not be available for us one day. Not because they don’t want to be, but perhaps because they can’t be for one reason or another. (They are sick themselves, going through and processing their own set of issues, on a trip, extended vacation, at work, not able to talk, in their own safe place where they cannot invite the troubled of the world in while they are taking time to themselves. etc.)

While you are there, you must keep in mind the importance of your health and well-being, being the single most important thing for your survival.

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Also keep in mind that this place does not replace the need to talk to another individual who may be able to aid and offer guidance to us through our troubles, along with perspectives, advice and wisdom. It’s merely a place that we can rely on, in the absence of that individual that will sustain us. In my Christian Faith, they will say… it’s where you “have a little talk with Jesus.” This conversation transpires internally. Reach deeply within, where that seed of faith is and nourish it. This is where your confidence, safety and security rest. Bring it back to the forefront in this time and trust yourself with your life. Knowing that you can and will overcome these thoughts and situations which have tried to steal your joy and seal your fate.

Shifting Gears completely on the WHO:

Who:

We cannot allow the people who are around us to constantly tear us down, beat up down, bring us down, push us down and keep us down. Sometimes we must rise above, by cutting those people off who are wired with “fuggery” (in my Redd Foxx voice) as they have no good intentions. This is all stuff that we know but just need to speak it, hear it or be reminded of it from time to time.

You are headed in a direction where those people cannot go, so again I say THEY WILL NOT UNDERSTSAND AND YOU HAVE TO STOP EXPLAINING IT OR TRYING TO PROVE YOURSELF.

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Sometimes growth is forced upon you and it requires you to move out of a place where people are keeping you down. They are not in your shoes. No one is saying that you are to walk around with delusions of grandeur, but it is ok to feel that you are moving in a direction that someone else is not equipped to go, based on the things they are doing to you. It’s ok to say that you are better than your circumstance. It is ok to say that you are not about a life where you constantly seek approval through proving yourself to the people around who don’t believe you anyway. And it’s perfectly ok to know that you are better than people who constantly live in a state of jealousy, envy, spite and malice. You are not that person and you don’t understand them just as they don’t understand you. This is what makes you “different” perhaps if not better. Its ok to have the revelation that for what you are trying to do and where you are headed does not allow for people like that.

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Stop looking back:

Sometimes people reach out just to be nosey. And because we have this natural desire to stay connected or to remain “loyal” to our roots, (old friends) we reach back with a response. However, their intention is just to make sure you are not doing better than them. It’s to get an “update” on your life so that they will have something to talk about. It’s not a sincere concern to see how good you are doing and it’s not to motivate, encourage or to inspire. Toxic people reach out when they know you are doing better but they want to say something to you that will have you doubting yourself. It has nothing to do with you. They are dealing with where they are in life and because they are not happy about that, they want to bring you down. And sometimes their contacting you, is to give you an update on themselves because they need to feel sufficient. Again, nothing to do with you. It’s their insecurities.

It happens. It happened to me recently. Someone asked me a personal question. I answered it – even after answering, they took that opportune time to slide in an unsolicited assumption on what they thought the truth was and completely ignored the answer I gave because they were determined to take that jab. This tells me that they have been sitting around worrying about what I am doing and had already come to their own conclusion which was more satisfying to their state of misery. When they heard a truth different from what they presumed, because they are conditioned the way they are which is anchored in an ugly spirit; they insisted on with their assumption. This was something that they just had to get out, in order to feel better about themselves.

People will question what you do because it seems so impossible for them or it’s not possible for them from where they are standing.  This is a sign that you are entertaining the wrong group of people and when you are doing that, you cannot be living your best life.

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Sometimes people force on you the feeling that you should show and prove something to them and that shouldn’t be your burden. It’s not your lot in life to make miserable people happy. If someone asks you something and your answer is yes, but they say no it’s not … just say OK. If they say you are anything other than what you know you are, just say ok, walk away and cut them off. They have shown you who they are, and it is now your responsibility to take charge of what you allow and accept in your life. If they say anything at all that speaks against who you are- you absolutely must know that this is the point where you cross the bridge without them.

Why even entertain this kind of mind trash OR this trash can individual? Wish them well and keep it moving. Be selfish in your right to move through life without carrying with you those people who do not mean well.

Generally speaking, “People will second guess the truth and wouldn’t think twice about a lie” so you can not stop to address every, single thing that a person has said, heard or thought about you. Leave it alone.

Dear Honey Bunches of Oats

…….. The following was written in October of 2013. It was a pretty trying time for me. It was an open letter to my son pinned on my blog at the time and shared on Shutterfly. As I found it today and reflected upon the words that were written, I could not help but to think about what is unfolding in his life today. It makes me happy that I jotted it down at that time way back in 2013 when it was fresh and sincere. Resonates so much today, seeing how he is going through some of the things he is going through. I pasted it below without edits because it was written exactly how I would want it read to this day.

…..Is something so massive you can’t get it out of your head, though you bury it or make repeat efforts; by which only cause you to suffer in silence if suppressed. I choose mental health instead, and wish so many others would. Truth is the only anecdote. The truth for me was giving birth to you- a beautiful gift from GOD and beauty for ashes! The only way I can be here for you, is to be here for me. I have to be well in order for you to be well. I know that hiding the truth will not keep you protected- it would only materialize later in forms of confusion and conflict. I would never be the conductor of that train wreck! This is why I fight for you!

The truth is what you can’t get over, under or around. It’s what GOD is and since you were made in his image and likeness – you are the truth. You are what cannot not be hidden. You represent facts that are not acknowledged, often ignored and for some… Who want to pretend your existence is based on anything else, you are still here.

Let’s start with your name. Deon ‘ Cornelius’ Kenny. It was the name given to you at birth, and is on your original birth certificate. Your first name is my middle name, but spelled more masculine. Mine is Dionne. Your middle name came from a man. That man is your grandfather. It is his middle name as well. It is the bridge between your mother and her father by which your existence of a real man came through to sustain your last name, as Kenny. He was the ONLY male figure you knew about while I was carrying you. He is my dad and your grandfather. When you were born, he held you as you were his because you are his blood line. He stepped in to make sure you had a positive role male model, and an example of a man and a father as well as to nurture you as a boy.

You were born into a fight and unfortunately you have been used as collateral by a court empowered by your biological father. The things he told me during the time of your conception were quite different from what he was telling everyone around him, leaving them all surprised when I announced I was pregnant. As a result, lies compounded into a volcano. That volcano is erupting and evil is the lava. I refuse to allow you to be burned! I will extinguish it through prayer and the truth.

Your conception was not by two unwilling parties who knew nothing about what was going on. Instead, it was two very well, highly educated, adults and professionals who equally played a part in your conception. Your father, being in healthcare knows how babies are made. There were no secrets nor hidden agendas nor force that brought you here by me. Your father and I knew the possibility of you coming to exist when we took part in our estranged encounter. He was very aware and informed of the consequence that may prevail.

While this is truth, he expected me to terminate the pregnancy as if an abortion was birth control. With his trail if deception creeping upon his life that would expose truth, he panicked. His mother, your grandmother later asked why is it that I decided to have you. The insinuation that I had any other choice after you were already a fetus, uttered evil. Those words still sting. They linger like untreated cancer. They could have been fatal. However, because I was strong and supported by my mom, dad and sisters as well as close friends; you never had to feel that sting. I have protected you from day one and always will. However, I will not hide the truth from you.

Many things have taken place since your birth that would kill the average person. However, I’m not average and so I still exist. I exist to continue to give you the best of me and praise GOD for your existence. God sees, hears and knows all even that which is not said. Even with the possibility of two potentially different perceptions or perspectives, the truth is what it is and two people for certain know exactly what that is! Something about the truth is, people like to bury it. But you can’t when it’s alive. You can’t act like it didn’t happen, by covering it up with deceptive lies about how it happened. All I hope to instill upon you, son, is the truth about why things are happening the way they are.

If you do not see me, it is not because I don’t want to see you. When you can’t wake up to my kisses, read a book with me, watch your favorite program, eat rice, play in the park and ride your blue bike; it’s not because I don’t want you to. When I can’t tuck you in and sing “Yes, Jesus loves you”, or teach you how to write your name and count to one hundred, it’s not because I don’t want to. When I can’t bathe you, dress you, comb your hair, and love on you like I always have, it is not because I don’t want to. If I can’t take you to the Circus, Lego festival, kids museum, children’s expo, or play in the water, go swimming and to the library, and expose your senses to all the fun and educational thing life has to offer; it’s not because I wanted to stop. Don’t let anyone tell you that ever AGAIN. If I can’t teach you where all the continents are on your favorite globe, take you to the wonders of the world and play Elmo hands, or sing the wheels on the bus, and read to you your children’s bible, It’s certainly not because I requested not to. If I can’t play your favorite DVD while riding in the car, dance with you to your favorite tune with the Disney car boom box, or play the guitar and keyboard, or show you the functions of your leap frog and other V-Tech stations; I did not ask to stop. If we can’t sit at your table in your room and have circle time learning colors, shapes and sounds like we’ve always done, know that I miss it too. If we can’t play hiding seek, peek- a-boo, Simon says and abracadabra; I am imaging the times that we did. If you cannot ride your fleet of cars down the street while laughing at me chase you to turn the wheel, walk to the mailbox, prank call nana and papa Kenny, and wear your rain boots while the sun is shining; I won’t do it without you. While we can’t sit in the closet and practice tornado drills and watch the homedics machine project images of fish creatures in the dark, or jump upstairs while you are on my back; we will soon!

If I can’t continue to provide you with the stable, loving and nurturing environment, that I always have while you have been sick or well—know that I had NO part in that change. Your home will always be right here on Story Book Trail. The rest, I know you will figure out. You were conceived on March 17th 2010 and I haven’t forgotten one detail since then. Should you ever have questions, I will only give you the truth.

Something For Moms Everywhere

I was searching for the words over the weekend to share something that I was not sure if I should even share at all. Then, the more I thought about it the more it became clear to me that I had to. Because sometimes the very thing thing we went through, are the very things that someone else is going through. This is the time that we may have a word, which may help and assist someone else who’s going through something similar, even if just by letting them know that they are not alone.

As mothers, we are often criticized when we take on careers outside of being a housewife or a stay at home mom. Sadly, this criticism comes from other women and mothers sometimes. Even more sad, it can come from people that we are close to or share a past with.

These careers may come with the requirement of travel, where you are away for up to a 2-weeks period. It may come with the requirement of attending weekly events or conferences and being out until 10 P.M. on some evenings reporting on them (if you are in journalism) It may require that you have an after-school program in place for your child to attend, as you are not able to pick him/her up from school every-day. It may require moving away altogether, when the situation is that you are a mom with a portion of responsibilities that require you to accept work out of town, to meet the terms of those responsibilities.

For some 1930’s reason, there are many people who still think that women who do not stay at home with their children or are not able to be with their children everyday are less than worthy of being called a “good mom” whether it was by their own choosing or force through minimal options available which would have otherwise allowed them to stay at home with their children all the time.

Perhaps we should examine the meaning of the phrase “good mom”

Does she love and care for her child? Does she show and tell her child that she loves him/her? Does she provide for her child? Does she show her child that she has a vested interest in his education and success? Does she teach her child right from wrong? Does she instill values in her child and build moral? Does she support her child in ways that show her child that she is devoted to his/her mental and emotional needs? Does she feed her child and make sure he/she is eating healthy? Does she clothe her child and make sure he/she is clean and groomed? Does she listen to her child? Does she engage in bonding activities with her child?

So, she does all the above, but she happens to also work.

Does her child have an age appropriate understanding of why his/her mother works and that mom must work, to continue to provide the most basic thing that he/she need for survival? IE: Food. What about shelter? She must provide that as well, right? What about the things that go into that shelter and the things that are needed to maintain that shelter, such as electricity, gas and water. What about the additional things that are needed for the child, such as Shoes and Clothes. What about all that fun stuff he/she wants to do on the weekend? IE: The Movies, The Trampoline Park, Chuck-E-Cheese?

So, again… she has done all of this and makes it clear to her child as she re-iterates the importance of her having to work. Wouldn’t you say that’s a pretty good mom? If theability to do all of these things exist, and are being done…. I’d say she’s nailing this mom thing.

So why is it that people only concern themselves with the “picture” or the “image” of a good mom only being one that is with her child every day? What does it mean when someone says that you are “not there for your child” when you are doing all the above?Sidebar -RE: Divorced Parents – Have you factored in the naked truth that when a child is assigned to live primarily with one parent, it can be relatively impossible for the other parent to physically be there every day? And that is far from saying that someone is not there for their child, when they aren’t being allowed to. I think this is something that parents, men and women, should consider, as well as those who are judging the situation.

What I think people in the world often do to one another that is so wrong, is that they make you feel forced to make them understand why you have made every decision you have made in your life. Your responsibility is not to make them understand. But if it doesn’t make sense to them or if they “think” they would have done something differently, they can’t accept it. It’s unfortunate, because the way that they deal with the inability to understand is then to criticize.

This is what I say to mothers and career women: You should not consume yourself with trying to appease everyone with an explanation about why you have chosen to live your life the way that you are living it. It’s your story for a reason and everyone will not understand that. You may be on a different path than they are. You have a separate set of circumstances. Your destiny is not the same as everyone around you, and so your journey will not be the same.

Whether you are a stay at home mom, a career mom, a mom who does it all, a recently divorcee, a mother who’s going through the most trying time in her life… don’t let anyone tell you that you are a bad mother for doing something differently from what they would have done.

1. Don’t allow people to steal your joy by making you feel guilty about the healthy decisions that you have made in your life.

2. Don’t be afraid to take that job, embark on a new career which may require travel. People are going to have something to say, regardless. (If you did not work, they would talk about that too)

3. You are not leaving your child. You are a great mother. You are a mother who is making yet another sacrifice for your child. You have demonstrated this to the one person who matters… your child.

4. Don’t set expectations high for anyone to see this. People will discourage you. They will try to break you down. They will tell you that you are wrong. They will judge you.

5. Don’t be afraid to love and be loved. Don’t feel guilty about loving or being loved. Sometimes people will not applaud this. It won’t sit well with people who are not rooting for you to love or be loved.

But for everyone that is telling you that you wrong, there are more that will tell you that you are right. Sometimes in putting your child first, you must make that move. You must cultivate a healthy life so that you are healthy for your child and so that you can consistently provide a healthy environment for him/her.

I absolutely loved the time I was able to stay at home with my child even though I was a single mother. I chose assignments that did not require me being away from him at all. I chose assignments where I could bring him along with me. I incorporated mommy-hood/parent-hood into my career. But those were the options I had at that time in my life. As your child gets older, things change. The need to change his diaper every 4 hours dies out. The need to warm his bottle, rock him to sleep, and feed him will begin to fade. As the need to do those things dissipate, the need to do more will materialize. His needs are different, so quite naturally we adjust with the times to ensure that those new needs are being met. My child is older now and in school, he’s more independent and able to speak for himself. If we are maximizing the time that we do have with our children in loving them, caring for them and supporting them, we are all good mothers. You are a GREAT MOTHER.

SOOO, I am not a good mother since my ex can’t piss me off anymore?

Warning: Excessive foul and Expressive language may be used to express excessive points. If you are sensitive and more importantly if you are a bitch ass baby daddy- you may want to exit right now. You have already been warned.

Disclaimer: I am tired as fuck of my baby daddy and his air balls at pissing me off.

Here’s the post he’s been waiting for: This is how the story went…. A fleeting time ago I was hit with the devastating news that I was losing custody of my child to his father, whom successfully gained custody after lying his Ars off in court. Lies included him saying that I did not care about my son, he did not believe that I was a good parent, a loving mother and that I had no concern for my child’s health and overall well-being. He said that I did not spend time with him and that I poked fun at the fact that he had a TIC on social media. He lied about me endangering my child. (All made up) He even went on to make these false and meritless statements, none of which were supported by any documentation, evidence or anything other than his opinion and word. Go Figure!

He had me jailed on a false accusation. He caused me a criminal record over a false accusation. Never providing proof nor evidence – and the prosecutor never heard from the witnesses but went to the grand jury with a bunch of opinions- and because that’s the way it works in Texas, they indicted me. However they ultimately dismissed the case two years later. But guess what? ITS STILL ON MY RECORD and still affects my life! The damage was done.

The sad part is that idiots of the world only see that he won the custody battle, so they believe this shit must have been true. They don’t have the details or the back story and absolutely no wherewithal to discern between truth and lies- they are lazy as fuck and would rather go off what they hear rather than to research.

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For those who know me, they knew that this was a cold-hearted…. Well, A heartless attempt at making me look bad, so that he could get the favorable outcome. All is fair in love and war, right?

He went on to say that I was unemployed, financially unstable and had not proven myself to have stability in life. He harped on his job of 10 plus years, his status as a pharmacist, his salary over 100k and his success at remaining in a home for over 10 years, (the home I left to his ass after trying to show that I wasn’t trying to take anything from him) as his means for solidifying his claims against mine. (Who knew that you couldn’t decide to move from a home to a $2000.00/month apartment and then back to a home within 10 years without being labeled as unstable? Who knew that you couldn’t take on another position with another company making more income within 10 years without being called unstable? Who knew that in Texas, if you have lived in your boring ass home for 10 years and kept the same job for 10 years it meant you were stable) That’s a memo I never got!

I stayed home to take care of my child everyday of his life and he never needed for anything. I provided love, support, affection, attention, teaching, learning opportunity and extra curricular activities- never once denying his dad the opp to be there.

While it was heartbreaking to hear someone that I had known for over 25 years could make such an accusation, especially knowing the leaps and bounds I took for my son, the sacrifices I made for my son and the passion I had for being a mother along with all the things I did for my son before daddy even decided to claim his son, and all the things I did to make sure that Mr. Deadbeat had an opportunity to be in his child’s life when and if he decided to be; I was even more devastated that it came from someone I had blessed with a son and had no hard feelings against. But when a man is scorn, my lord- he can turn into the most evil, vindictive and malicious creature you’ve ever seen. #FACTS And yes, while we are on the subject, his own pathetic mother, grandmother, family and broke ass friends can be a part of it. #CHEERLEADERS

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Now, let me add this: It didn’t help me at all with the custody case that I had written grievance after grievance against the judge and the lawyers involved with this mockery of justice during the 4 years that we were fighting – Along with sharing the story with news channels and making a documentary … A screenplay… etc., Because when it came down to the judge making his decision, opposing counsel made sure that he reminded the judge that I had written a grievance against him and the Judge who was hearing the case. This was hunting season for them. The day they’d all been waiting for had arrived. This was a no win for me. And it had nothing to do with me being a bad parent. It was finally time for them to seek revenge. My custody case was not about how bad or good of a parent I was. It was about what I had posted, written and shared on social media about the injustice that was unfolding in Harris County. And that’s documented in the transcripts of the court from that day (Feb 2017)

I told them all before entering court that I knew there was no way that I would win, when the judge making the decision was already upset about me saying that his ruffled pink socks did not match his cute little skirt. I knew that opposing counsel felt some type of way about me talking about his correction shoes (which he even brought up in court….at a damn custody hearing!!) lol. My point of going to court was to have on record all the lies that were being told, because at that point I had to start thinking ahead to all the questions my son would soon have about why he was not with his mother that he loves and adores. I wanted my son to know that I went through the fire! I wanted him to hear for himself, should he ever ask. So, I was at peace. I had to arrive at peace because this was a situation that I was not in control of and no matter how right I was, I was not going to be able to convince a judge that he shouldn’t retaliate against me when he had all the power to do so. That’s just how little men with complexes are. When you point out that they are two feet tall, it’s game on! When you point out that they should not have a seat on the bench because they cannot handle someone telling them when they are wrong, their narcissistic urge to fuck your world up comes into play. They will stop at nothing to show you that Little, Short Men who got no play in school, lives matter. Furthermore, when you have intel about their personal lives, they are on a mission to destroy you before you can destroy them. (Another story for another day)

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I said all that to say that its apparent that I had my share of lashing out as I was angry, upset, mad, disgusted, livid, pissed off, in denial about what was happening, all while seeking justice for my son and trying to make sure that he did end up with the more suitable parent. But in that time, I forgot about how little men handle insults. I forgot about how when they were in high school they were overlooked, so they took on powerful positions in their careers and work life later in life so that they could prove a point and go after every woman or good looking male athlete in defense of the not so popular crown and root for the underdog. My hand was in the lion’s mouth. I was up against insecure, little men with complexes who were pissed off that I called them out. Unfortunately for me, they were the little men who were making the decisions at the end of the day.

But here is where I tell you about how things changed. As mentioned before, I knew what the outcome would be, and I had already planned for it. That’s why when it happened, I moved on without hiccups. I had small setbacks and it bothered me of course, but when you arrive at a place where you realize being down everyday and hurt or remaining in disbelief over a situation doesn’t place you where you need to be and does nothing for the situation, you move the fuck on. You find ways to cope. You see the silver lining. You embark on new journeys and opportunities that are available to you with your new set of circumstances. And if you are smart about it, you make it work.

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But here’s what happens when you do this. You get that email message from your bitch assed baby daddy one day that states that you’re not a good mom and you don’t care about your kid, and mothers “don’t do that” (Move out of the state of texas) since you are not mad anymore about what has taken place. WTF? LOL Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t. They want you to be upset, That’s why they did what they did… long as you are upset, they are happy, but when you find happiness or ways to cope and measures to take which will help you navigate through all the pain, it eats at their soul and the only thing they can tell you is that you are not a good parent since you can only see that you don’t have to take the responsibility of the mistakes they made.. WTF. Moving out of the state all of a sudden means I don’t care about my son? Moving from a place of constant harassment and threats of going to jail, makes me a bad mom? Get over yourself. A smart mom would do just this! So that they will no longer be a target of destruction! And so that they can ensure that their child will have their mother around and not fall victim again to circumstance brought on by an angry father who can’t digest that his BM doesn’t want him.

This is what I see: I see a man who did all he could to destroy my life and instead of destroying my life, he’s slowly destroying our sons. Does that make me happy? Hell no. I am still devastated- but give me one example where being devastated fixed a situation. I’ll wait….. NONE. Action is what fixes a situation. I’m taking action- and that doesn’t include giving more crooked attorneys 100’s of 1000’s of dollars all for them to take money under the table (from opposing parties) and under represent me at the end of the day!

My action is to be there for my child in all the ways that I can. In all the ways I can be, which are all the ways I wholeheartedly want to be. It does not include giving the baby daddy any energy. My plight is not to rescue the daddy from hurt and deliver him from pain of me leaving him or showing him that he hurt me by taking my son under false accusations and playing on the court. My plight is to be the best mom possible and that includes being healthy in mind, body and spirit. If that means that I must cope with a temporary situation because of the cards that were dealt and watch from a distance because I have no other options, then that is what I will do. I will never give up on my son and I will always be here for him, wherever the chips may fall…. but what I will not do is to give my baby daddy the fuel he so desperately needs and desires in knowing that he shattered me when he took my son away just to prevent paying child support. So, my question still is WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL SO MAD?

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Is it because you thought that stating your income would piss your BM off, as if she didn’t know what it was? Is it because you thought you were the only nigga who could take care of your BM? Is it because you thought that none else would want your BM and you’ve found that not to be true? Is it because you mentioned that you are in a relationship and that was supposed to piss your BM off (? which you’re clearly not happy to be in)? Is it because the “stable home” that you are building a new life in, is the same one that you literally built a life in with your BM? Is it because you are just upset that she’s not mad anymore about the lies you told and that the universal laws of karma have proven to you that you can’t get away with murder……? How can you tell her that she’s not a good mom, just because she’s not upset over the outcome anymore? Is it because you now know what it takes to be the custodial parent and you bit off more than you could chew? You don’t get to be upset about having the sole responsibility of providing for your son, when that’s what you asked for! Man Up!

I am making moves that will guarantee my son a successful set up in life, despite the circumstance. I would like Baby daddy to know that now is the time for him to get over himself and his need for constant attention and focus on his son. I would love for him to know that he should not be concerned about what I am doing, if I am doing for my son, the things I can do. I would like for him to know that just because he doesn’t see me angry about the bull shit he pulled in court, does not make me a bad parent. Its an example of someone picking up the cards and moving on, to create a future for the child she cares more about than the feelings of her trifling baby daddy who wants so badly to see her hurting.

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In closing and in response to that ridiculous email about me not being a good mother since I am not mad over not having custody….Fuck you and the horse you rode in on… It’s not about you. It’s about the child. Stop trying to upset your child’s mother. Stop trying to piss your baby mother off. Stop trying to destroy your baby mother…. Think about your child. Yes, your child’s mother has moved on. She has found a life worth living. She has found ways to cope and she has the support to do so. If you were any kind of father, you would want this for her. You would want this for your child. If your child’s mother is still present for your child and supportive of your child’s endeavors, don’t make your life about making her so mad that she is not able to do so. Because when you do………. When you did, with that email, you showed the world what your entire intention was; Which was to make her so mad that she wouldn’t be able to do any of these things. And now you look stupid.

Clowns On The Loose: 10 Things you must know about The State Bar of Texas State, as it pertains to what they require from Lawyers. Their Oath

The Texas Lawyer Oath

10 Things you must know about The State Bar of Texas State, as it pertains to what they require from Lawyers. Their Oath:

“I, ___ ___, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will not administer justice with respect to persons, and do equal right to the poor because my concern is the rich, and that I will never faithfully and impartially discharge and perform all the duties incumbent upon me as ___ under the Constitution and laws of the United States. So don’t help me God.”

Furthermore, I promise and make the following commitments to: 

  1. To never be honest, upright and morally grounded in integrity with regards to the telling the truth and being truthful with my clients, when I know that it may result in termination of my services
  2. To never disclose details to my client about my ignorance in a subject matter, which may cause my client to terminate my service; however, should they become aware on their own I promise to decline their phone calls and correspondence and never return their money. I will disappear into the black hole.

no refund3. To neglect to do research on any topic which may put my client in a better standing with regard to errors which may have occurred on my behalf. And to never do my due diligence in their case matters

4. To neglect to fill all commitment between clients, as I will never file any petitions on their behalf or show up in court to represent them in order to comply with the all intended purpose of getting their money and walking away from their case.

5. To always overcharge the clients whom I feel and have further determined are passionate about their children and would be willing to do anything for the safety, protection and security of their children.

-Modus operandi: To always seek out the cash cow

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6. To always operate unethically and to demonstrate myself parallel to unprofessional behavior when my client calls me out on my shit

7. To take bids/money/compensation/bribes and favors under the table from opposing counsel, opposing counsels client and judges involved, even when I know that it’s against the best interest of my client

8. To make off record arrangements and agreements under the table for favor in cases from the judge – that serve or do not serve my client (depending on which which I am representing: defendant / petitioner

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9. I promise to always retaliate against a client whom terminated my services; after-which I promise to disclose information previously discussed with that client, with the standing opposing counsel even while an active case matter is pending

10. To work with the committee on ethical standards and conduct, whom which I will continually pay dues so that when I am reported for any of the above matters, I’m assured that they will always Cover my ass

This message has been written in part by Freely Speaking Inc. a subsidiary of C&A Corporation, and endorsed by Dionne|Deon. 

Inspired by a true story #Facts

Names have been changed to protect the integrity, I mean the ….. well to protect the attorneys involved

 

AntONme MuROBher

StanLOW BASSturd

DonNo Fruitily

ROWro MORONey

MEShall DELAYher

Frankly ASCAM

Felipe PAYcheck

 HEFTTY PROFIT

Oles THORN