How Important is it to have a supportive partner and to be one yourself?

How Important is it to have a supportive partner and to be one yourself?

Having been in a relationship where I had the support of a significant other and having been in another one where I did not; I can say that for me at least, there was a significant difference in the dynamics of the relationship.

In my opinion, when partners support one another in their quest, feats, ventures… they develop a connection unlike one where being uninvolved brings distance and gaps in communication. A relationship where there is support for one another creates a unique sense of bonding.

I don’t think the fact that someone wants a supportive partner means they are being co-dependent and are not self-motivated; but rather being further driven by the presence of someone who supports what they do and someone who shows that they are playing for the same team.

Being supportive can come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. A partner can be involved in the projects that their partner is participating in, to increase visibility of their brand, promote awareness of the brand and/or taking a hands-on approach in the grassroots production of the project/product or service being offered.

Image result for brown sugar cast

If you watched the movie Brown Sugar, where the relationship between Sidney and Kelby……… played by Sanai Lathan and Boris Kodjo; do you remember the scene where she was sitting in the bleachers at one of his practice games? He couldn’t tell her anything about any articles she’d written, when asked; yet she was all in with what he was doing. It was a pivotal moment in their relationship-at least from the angle of the camera and the beat that was placed in that scene. And likewise, how Nicole Arie Parkers’ character did NOT support her fiancé, played by Taye Diggs. The two people who supported one another the most, loved and understood… are the two that ended up together in the end.

Remember the Movie, How Stella Got Her Groove Back, with Stella and Winston……. Played by Angela Bassett and Taye Diggs. Remember the scene where it was made known to the audience that he’d spent hours upon hours bringing her shop/hobby back to life after he saw that she had a passion that laid dormant.

Image result for how stella groove back scene in her shop

And then, let’s take some real-life examples: Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith, Magic and Cookie Johnson, Boris Kodjo and Nicole Arie Parker, Dwayne and Gabrielle Union-Wade, Ciara and Russel Wilson, Alicia Keys and Swiss Beats, Marjorie and Steve Harvey. Just to name a few. Hell, I didn’t know about some of the side ventures, such as Nicole Arie Parker’s sweat bands being sold in Target, until I saw it posted on her husband’s Instagram page. I didn’t know about Jada Pinkett Smith newest Facebook TV Show, until Will Smith posted it on his social media.

Don’t be afraid of seeing your partner, thrive, soar, succeed and be great. Get behind them and continue to motivate them. Especially when that is all that’s required. Sometimes they just need to know that their biggest fan is the one they are sharing their heart and word with.

Couple Under Garden Arch Surrounded With Flowers

Are you the type of partner who knows everything about what your significant other is involved in, who effortlessly allocates time toward supporting them in the simplest ways as making a social media post to tell them how proud you are of them or to inform others to help spread the word about what you are most excited about in your partners venture? Are you the type who will run a few errands to ease the load and assist in meeting production deadlines of a project they are working on? Do you collaborate with your partner on ventures, so that they two of you can maximize time together while showing your support of what they are involved in?

Or, are you the partner, whom when asked about what your significant other does or what kind of business they have; you are at a lost for words yourself because you have no clue- you’ve never asked, you’re never involved, you’ve never purchased their product for you or anyone else, you’ve never told anyone else about the product. That’s exemplary of someone who’s not supportive.

Man in Brown Long-sleeved Button-up Shirt Standing While Using Gray Laptop Computer on Brown Wooden Table Beside Woman in Gray Long-sleeved Shirt Sitting

Talk to your partner about your visions, your goals. Be open to criticism and constructive criticisms if they bring to the table a source of business knowledge that you have not been privy to. Be open to innovative ideas that would make it work. Share ideas and creative points on what you want to do and what you want to see. Write down the plan for them if you must and commit yourself to a time to meet again to go over it together to explain and make clear the mission and vision, so that they are able to see where they can fit in and perhaps fill in the missing pieces.

Sharing the passion in the purpose with your partner, lessens the amount of stress. It builds another highway in the relationship to a higher level of elevation. And maybe it’s just another kind of love altogether that I personally feel that you will experience, when you have shared a dream with your partner or have helped or have had the help and support from someone in this way. It’s sexy!

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Can A Writer Have A Relationship?

Can A Writer Have A relationship?

erotic, legs, sexy

Of course, they can. We see many writers who maintain healthy relationships that have become lifelong commitments with an added value of experience as well as excitement because of their creative abilities. At the same time, the trials that the writers face in relationships seem to be much of the same across the board. Not so much regarding their need to stay up late and write during the times that everyone else is asleep or the mental/physical spaces that they need to go to focus on their next masterpiece. Even though, those are things considered to be fundamental, trademark trials of a writer. Not to mention the potential writers block that may last for months into years when they lose their natural ability of creative flow. In my most recent writers work shop, I asked, “What are some of the common questions writers get from their companion or significant other, whether in the beginning of the relationship when they are in the get to know, or if they were in established relationships; where they began to take up a career in writing.”

adult, beautiful, beauty

With special regard to novel writing and short stories, the number one question next their partner/friend asking, requesting or insinuating that they wanted to be in one of the stories, they were always asked if the story is fact or fiction. It’s not all bad when someone wants to be a part of the story, especially if there is a story there worth writing. You have also just received their consent to be talked about.

However, when writers get the forbidden question that requires truth about if the story includes details of their own life, prior to their relationship and beyond –it gets tricky. This is when the question of, can a writer have a relationship weighed in. Many writers write things that are fantasy or based on real life, or both and a mix of both. They generally take real foundation as a base and then add details to make it meaty. Some take the meat of a fantasy and add in details for length and balance for the story. You may even read the work of a writer that is entirely truth, but they have registered it as fiction. I don’t think we will ever know, and that is what makes a story great or at least gives the work an element of mystique outside the theaters or television.

Woman in Red Two-piece Bikini Lying on Bed Beside of White and Pink Roses

Some things you really do need to leave to the imagination. I also believe a well written fiction that can be believed, shows signs of an exceptional story because you do want your readers to identify. When they can relate, they indulge more in the material.

Back to the question. It was those stories that involve sex or a relationship, someone in love-all surrounding the woman or man having some degree of involvement with another main character, where elements of romance and seduction are explored; that piqued the interest of their companions’ interest to ‘need or want’ to know if it was fact or fiction.

Some women writers also concurred that a question of their character as a real person would be presented it they were mothers or pillars of the community or have been seen or viewed as pristine and near perfect. It would be a primitive way of thinking if we expected everyone to consider us virgins. Especially since we are mothers or married or in a monogamous relationship. You have to write without those inhibitions.

Woman In Black Brassiere Lying Down on Bed With Rats

Why do you think story lines such as the ever so popular TV Show, ‘Being Mary Jane’, has topped the charts? This is not to say you must bare all. I am speaking to those ladies who have a knack for writing and an interest in pouring into a book or piece of literary material, the things that others are afraid of talking about. Let’s face it, when a woman or man write racy sex scenes through a series of sex in the city, one-night stand material, your companion is going to ask a few questions. I believe you must become the character or at least identify with the character, to write the perfect and most realistic fiction. Whether I do that or not, will continue to remain a mystery. As for the relationship, I guess you have to stay tuned for the last chapter; where the final scene will reveal all.

love lust and regrets

The premise of the book “Love Lust and Regrets” which I wrote in 2015, was based off the above article which I also wrote in 2015. The article received feedback from writers as well as individuals who were dating and even married to writers, where they expressed opinions and offered advice of their own. Since it was an article that was widely received, I used it as a preset for the book. Read it here on Amazon

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Fair Lady

“Fair Lady”

“We met at the centermost of a metaphor. Right at the end of his dictum…face to face. …You have lovely pearls, he said. I could look into them all night- could I interest you in allowing me to extol your winsomeness?

You had me at my eyes, I said…walking anent my personal space, propitiously invading my comfort zone, carrying on with your encomium. I am obliged. Hello, I said.

..equidistant dialect ..Eyes lite, body twitch, direction propulsive, slow pace. colloquy ensued before our faces crossed, sketched a portrait of a poem. Energized at finger tips, aromas from a fleet of words- undressed. Vigilant to the wind but atmosphere already filled-the breeze strong armed, too late. The connection was made. Bodies attempted to pass-hands got caught on the hooks of his rhyme. Snatched back to sync.

– downloaded and uploaded, hard drive driving, centrally processing, heartbeat colliding, instincts thriving… install complete- wrote me right off my feet, spoke me right back to my seat- who needs faded pictures or a broken glass? What makes you nervous my dame, He asked.

Seduced my hands with his face. Tasted my flesh a my waist- took us both to space- placed my legs on the base… Of his shoulders…all things before were erased- forgotten, misplaced or displaced… Index finger on card catalog, turning pages from books on bookcase- found my story we raced through chapter by chapter, the before and after- wrist vertically communicating with elbows, follow me to the back of my head, they said…. Neck bone in hand sending ….signals to knees, too weak- back collapsed- and radiated through feet. Electrifying… Sparks after spark, transitions in and out of discussions, Segway’s through subjects without touching

And so he’s typing on the small my back, shift buttons shift gears- I think he likes it like that. I’m listening, keep talking, I hear what you saying I’m anticipating and waiting- why are you playing…

Tongue crawling in my breastplate, Strength tilts my head- not fighting to escape- body calling, armor falling…..guards down… Look what you found~ the heart of A lady..”

A passage from my book Compilation of Contemplation copyright published 2015.

Niedria Kenny, Author

AKA

~FreelySpeaking

🌹💋 Find it on Amazon

https://www.amazon.com/Niedria-Kenny/e/B00JION5EC

ONE-NIGHT-STAND

One-Night-Stand

One-night-stand stood on the other side of my door as I stood anticipating why he was standing in my room. Forget about the why I told myself, a 7ft structure statuesque, his dreads -locked me into his eyes where his arms so gently braided themselves around my shaft. He sat me on top- nail in grove, a sturdy configuration as our anatomy parts together built an unconventional yet vintage masterpiece of nostalgic value.

A perfect component to secure and lock the position. Confound into his cast, my lips compose upon his collar, slightly departed to the redolence of his pheromones displaced all if my inhibitions into a place of outer space and I exhaled.

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His fingers located each melody upon my most erogenous zones playing them softly, the tune of heavy, slow breathing played on and on. My neck became weak from the balm that infiltrated my nose which lead my head to a more interesting place to lay upon his chest, the strength in my legs dwindles as they

Enervated and became bound around his waist tightly. A sewing machine motion, threading our garment…needle wove in and out of the fabric of our skin as we make a quilt of love. Up against my nightstand he stood one night. Back against the wall. My Stand is still decoratively standing six-positions and seven carats later…..Would you like breakfast he ask-

-Niedria Kenny aka Freely Speaking @NiedriaKenny

(perception vs perspective)

Waiting and having patience: Don’t act like you don’t already know this

Waiting and having patience: Don’t act like you don’t already know this

I realize that the bidding sometimes starts low when it comes to guys choosing. And because of this, they never make it to the items with substance. When they do, they don’t see the value or worth because they have just placed a bid on something that appears to be the same or flashier in which not much work is required to maintain.

Here’s the deal: We aren’t really talking about auction items here. We are talking about or the difference between two women. Material, if you will…Both cut from the cloth of a woman. One of fine silk, lace trim, articulately crafted and woven to perfection. The other, a piece of cotton that can wash on any cycle. And all I am really saying is that you’ve never seen instructions on cotton that says, Handle With Care. And while you still should, if you want it to last longer, it doesn’t require it, so HE probably wouldn’t.

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Women, you need to require that men handle you with the care that you need. If the instructions are not made clear, they won’t. From the time men were boys, they had to be told to take out the trash, clean their room, put their dirty clothes in the hamper instead of sprawled out over the floor. They had to be told to take a bath/shower, put on clean underwear…. You get what I am saying? They need instruction. Once those instructions are given and made clear, they can’t act like they don’t already know this. Only hold a man accountable for what they know. Then, hold yourself accountable for what you accept.

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I hear women speak about having patience in dating the guy that they want, but 5, 10, 15 years in they are still waiting and have yet to recognize that it has reached the level of what they tolerate and has it nothing to do with patience. When you begin to accept a certain behavior while telling yourself that you’re just being patient, you’re in denial. There’s nothing wrong with having patience when you are waiting on the right thing. But there is absolutely something wrong with tolerating unruly behavior while you continue to believe that one day he will give you what you want.

We convince ourselves to believe that something good could come out of this. We make ourselves believe that because he gravitates more toward the cheap knock off… to knock off, that maybe our expectations were too high to begin with; thus, our reasoning behind lowering or reducing our standards which lessens and devalues our worth in order to levy ourselves with him.

WORTH

Guys are probably going to always shop bargains and the lowest price, for long as it’s available but if you know that your merchandise is good, you know that you are worth a man making a substantial gesture in an investment of respect and proper care in you. And you will not settle for less.

Here are some examples of when it’s ok to be patience with the man you are dating

engagement

I will wait on a man who is building his net worth so that he can solidify his financial future

I will wait on a man who prioritizes his life in a way, so that it will work for the team in the long run

I will wait on a man who is responsible enough to know that his children should be first on the list

I will wait on a man who is eager to learn and is implementing things that he has learned

I will wait on a man who is consistent in showing by action and word, that he’s committed for the long run

I will wait on a man who speaks marriage and follows up with behavior that demonstrates he wants marriage

I will wait on a man who is diligent in seeking ways to build an empire

I will wait on a man who respects me during the process of my waiting, whom also shows appreciation

Here’s what is not OK to wait on, with the man you are dating:

break up

I will not wait on a man to stop cheating on me.

I will not wait on a man to decide I’m worth it.

I will not wait on a man to decide if I’m enough.

I will not wait on a man who doesn’t realize that there’s something tremendously wrong with supporting another woman in her endeavors but not me in mine.

I will not wait on a man who can’t decide if I’m worth taking home to meet his family and friends.

I will not wait on a man who puts me through rigorous tryouts daily, to compete for him. If he can’t choose, I will choose for him.

I will not wait on a man to decide if I am appealing and desirable enough to keep his attention.

I will not wait on a man to finish laying down with every woman who wants to lay down with him, until no one is left.

I will not wait on a man who does not know the difference between a knock off and authenticity

I will not wait on a man who sees me as his last resort

I will not wait on a man who sees me as an option and not a priority

I will not wait on a man that spreads himself around town and brings me his leftovers

I will not wait on a man who has a revolving door for women

I will not wait on a man who places me last on the list of things to be concerned about

I will not wait on a man who pretends not to know the preliminaries in a relationship, yet knows all of them when it comes to another woman.

I must live by the words I write. Otherwise, I would constantly have to shove down extra servings of crow’s feet. Since I chose a unique way to serve my pallet and one that includes delicacies, I’ll pass on the wooden nickels.

The Rules Book and Regulations on Changing your life

In a previous article, we talked about setting the tone and stage for your new year, new performance and all that it would require. We talked about how you want to present and represent yourself on your red carpet. Here’s something else you need to consider…

Like the Dr. might say, just before they prick you, “This might sting a little, but it’s not going to kill you.” I just want you to know that sometimes the truth hurts, but never should it kill you. Sometimes the truth is the antidote to the poisonous lies you’ve told yourself and that you have believed, which may have kept you from making a remarkable difference, by making a remarkable change in your life. The antidote can save you from yourself and from others. Read the following rules with an open mind:

alone, boulders, idyllic

You don’t need anyone’s approval to change your life.  This is one thing that people around you as well as the voice in your head will steer you to believe, is that you need an approval to change. They will have you believing that you are not supposed to change without their consent. You, in turn process that and tell yourself the same when you ask yourself if you will continue to be accepted, if you make a change. When you really should be telling yourself that you don’t care about being accepted, and that you are ok with someone not being ok with it, because the point of the change is to move away from the condition that the state of your life is in.

You will have to walk away from some things that tie you to the past: This includes old habits or things such as bad energy and your obsession with clearing up incorrect information which may have been shared about you, which has you up in arms. In your change, your attitude will shine through and those who will matter will recognize. You’d have to travel too far backwards to undo some things that happen and it’s time consuming. It won’t allow you to change. You cannot move forward, with one foot stuck in the past. Things as such, are designed to hold you hostage to your past. This might be love, lost love, infatuation, obsessions, addictions, lost time and reflections of the past, to include emotions. These things and thoughts will not serve you in the change you want to make, if they are apart of the problems you are having with remaining stagnant.

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You will have to walk away from some people that tie you to the past: These are all the people who are just hanging out on the street corners of your life. They have no real meaning, they don’t really care about you. They don’t even care about what may happen to you if you remain in a place that is tearing you down. These are the enablers, the ones who the sole suppliers of the mess that you have been trying to get out of, Beit: sex, drugs, alcohol, emotional turmoil, and instability in a relationship. They have been leading you along or dragging you along because it was easy for them to do. They will never be the ones who will tell you to get your life together, because they enjoy too much of the convenience that you provide them, by not having your shit together.

You will have to walk away form old ways that tie you to the past: This includes your attitude toward things, your inability to compromise when needed and your inability to understand because you talk too much. This includes how fast you would have closed the door on a conversation without allowing someone to share their view, because it was your way or the highway. Old ways also include your promiscuity, your lust for random sexual desires outside of a marriage or committed and monogamous relationship. In doing this, you absolutely must remember rule number 1! You do not need approval to do this. If you wake up and decide that you no longer want to be someone’s weekend, weekend lover, side chic, Netflix and chill chic, or Saturday lover, that’s your prerogative. Fans don’t spin without an energy source, so stop feeding it the energy. You can decide at any point during the year, day, month to change or stop anything you are doing, and it doesn’t require a permission slip. So, what if they call you names? It’s not what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

Woman in White Bodycon Maxi Dress Posting in Between White Concrete Wall

You will have to walk away from some places that tie you to the past: This might include nightclubs, strip-joints, bars and beds that you have found yourself in after a long night of drinking etc. You must abandon those places or abandon your idea of changing. Our environment has a lot to do with what we end up doing. I thought I wanted to be a bartender at a strip club at one point in my life, because I thought I could make a lot of money. It took a real gentleman to tell me that this is probably how all the girls started out. But that strip clubs are a breeding ground for money, drugs and sex. He said you may go there to be a bartender, but before long, you will come out a stripper. I shared that, not to knock anyone’s hustle, but to say that I was personally only interested in being a bartender. So, I had to think about what he was saying. If all the rest is something that I did not want to get caught up in, then the strip club was the wrong place to be. And so I never went.

You must re-write memories for places of the past: (If and only if this applies) … So, you’ve been saying that you can not go back to a certain city or place, event in which you went with someone from the past. You have built up a mental block for that time and place, in which you have filed it away under their name. It brings back too many memories. Those memories are attached to too much pain. But you love that place. It is possible to rewrite, just like you can rewrite a disc or a tape cassette and even a digital recorder. You must record new memories over that track if you want to hear a different song. If you want to hear different music, write another melody.

hand, notebook, outdoors

You cannot take non-believers with you: These are the people who want to get on the bus with a few other people who will sit close up, but will be gossiping about you the whole time and secretly hoping for your fail, fall and or stumble. They are waiting, just to say, “I told you so” They are also there to tempt you because they don’t believe you have changed or could change. They need you to be the same person for them, so they are there to constantly remind you of your past and to keep you tied to your past. They can not stomach that you could have possibly been able to move on without them or to move on and change your life not giving attention to the things you used to do in your past.

Changing your life may be the one thing that you have total control over. Use that power and control wisely. You must do better, if you want to be better. You have must be better if you want to feel better. Later for all that stuff about being the change you want to be in the world. How about we start with being the change we want to be in our lives.  You have to say this to your old life: “What I am saying is, the way my new me and new life is set up…. It does not include you.”

A letter one lady wrote to her 30- year old self, that’s worth reading

A letter one lady wrote to her 30- year old self, that’s worth reading
Dear 30-year old self,

It will be the first weekend in November. You are going to be 2 months into the finalization of your divorce, after spending 2-years requesting a divorce and refusing to date anyone until it was final. You are going to put on your little silver dress which will adorn your new and improved size 4, lean, tight, fit and toned body. You are going to step into your fish net stockings and your black alligator stilettos with the chrome heel. You’re rocking your pixie cut and your new carefree attitude as you head off to a fashion show. You’ll sit front row, VIP, with a swag bag and there will only be a few in attendance once you arrive. However, after a few moments, you will meet the gentlemen to your right, who are sitting at the end of the runway. They call themselves photographers and head of a magazine.

After the show, you will have small talk with one of the gentlemen and you will exchange numbers. Amid speaking to the attractive, nearly 7-footer, you’re going to slip, stumble backwards and almost take a fall, in the most literal and figurative way. The same gentleman who sat at the end of the runway, who you are engaged in conversation with, will demonstrate sharp reflexes as he instantly reaches out to save you from the embarrassment of falling while in your tiny silver dress. He will extend his arm and catch you. You will thank him and notice his smile. Pearly whites and broad shoulders will draw you in. While you stay to enjoy the after party, with other friends and make acquaintance with other attendees, you will anticipate the call from the gentleman who reached out to catch you earlier, whom you’ve given your number to.

He will waste no time. He will call you 24- hours later to suggest hanging out and spending time together. You’ll accept his advancements and extend an invitation. You will invite him over for drinks, on the heel of his suggestion that since you’re doing nothing this evening, “Maybe we should do nothing together.”

You’ll open the door and welcome him in, speaking silently to yourself that you made no mistake in giving this one your number, as he looks just like you remember. You will share drinks on the sofa for a few, while watching TV and chatting about the show, the after party and life in general. You’ll share similar background stories, but he will omit one important thing just before you ask him if he wants another drink.

The next morning, he will still be in your home. He will stay for another night. After-which, he will invite you over to his home to continue getting to know each other. You’ll make a run to the gas station, suggesting that the two of you eat breakfast first. That will become the hilarious hallmark conversation for the next 10-years, as to how you had the audacity to recommend eating breakfast at a gas station.

Within that first month of meeting him, you will invite him to your hometown 3-weeks later to meet your family at Thanksgiving. You will share some amazing moments while collecting a lot of memories together. You will take a couple of trips together in which you will determine that something is going on that doesn’t add up. You will be a little gullible and naïve. He will even tell you this at times, as you ignore the obvious, allowing him to get away with things that only a fool would. There will be good times, tough times, explosive times, a lot of secrets, a lot of disappearing on his part and a lot of lies. You will ignore all the flags at first, and long enough to get in too deep. But then, you will begin to see all the writing on the wall that you missed, as it begins to illuminate and emerge from the darkness that covered it, while the lights were off.

After the paint has dried, it begins to peel. That is when you’ll discover that he also has two more children by a third girl. You will ignore that as well, and determine that it happened during a break up, but the mathematics shows that it happened a day or so after the break up. Things are adding up. But you’re already 10 years in.

What I would like you to know is that once you step into the fashion show, it is important for you to know that the handsome, nearly 7-foot gentleman to your right, who says he owns a magazine is also married. He’s separated of course, and he lives apart from his estranged wife, but he has a 16-year old son and a baby on the way by his mistress, that he will not tell you about when you meet him…and you will discover on your own, nearly two years later. Should you engage in conversation, you will become another name in the little black book. Though you will last 10 years in the game, you need to know that this is all it is to him: A game. There are things you will never know about him, even after 10 years. There is a part of his life that he will never bring you into, even after 10 years, because he knows it will expose the rest of the writing on the wall.

You should know that should you decide to have small talk, leave it at that and leave it at the fashion show. I know…he’s attractive and he’s saying all the right things but he’s not saying anything at all. Do not exchange numbers and do not invite him over.

If you feel yourself about to take a fall, reject his advances to catch you and just take your fall gracefully. The embarrassment from the fall in your tiny silver dress will result in everyone seeing your underwear, but will be no match for the embarrassment that you will see in 10 years, should you allow this man to catch you.

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