Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships

A letter one lady wrote to her 30- year old self, that’s worth reading

A letter one lady wrote to her 30- year old self, that’s worth reading
Dear 30-year old self,

It will be the first weekend in November. You are going to be 2 months into the finalization of your divorce, after spending 2-years requesting a divorce and refusing to date anyone until it was final. You are going to put on your little silver dress which will adorn your new and improved size 4, lean, tight, fit and toned body. You are going to step into your fish net stockings and your black alligator stilettos with the chrome heel. You’re rocking your pixie cut and your new carefree attitude as you head off to a fashion show. You’ll sit front row, VIP, with a swag bag and there will only be a few in attendance once you arrive. However, after a few moments, you will meet the gentlemen to your right, who are sitting at the end of the runway. They call themselves photographers and head of a magazine.

After the show, you will have small talk with one of the gentlemen and you will exchange numbers. Amid speaking to the attractive, nearly 7-footer, you’re going to slip, stumble backwards and almost take a fall, in the most literal and figurative way. The same gentleman who sat at the end of the runway, who you are engaged in conversation with, will demonstrate sharp reflexes as he instantly reaches out to save you from the embarrassment of falling while in your tiny silver dress. He will extend his arm and catch you. You will thank him and notice his smile. Pearly whites and broad shoulders will draw you in. While you stay to enjoy the after party, with other friends and make acquaintance with other attendees, you will anticipate the call from the gentleman who reached out to catch you earlier, whom you’ve given your number to.

He will waste no time. He will call you 24- hours later to suggest hanging out and spending time together. You’ll accept his advancements and extend an invitation. You will invite him over for drinks, on the heel of his suggestion that since you’re doing nothing this evening, “Maybe we should do nothing together.”

You’ll open the door and welcome him in, speaking silently to yourself that you made no mistake in giving this one your number, as he looks just like you remember. You will share drinks on the sofa for a few, while watching TV and chatting about the show, the after party and life in general. You’ll share similar background stories, but he will omit one important thing just before you ask him if he wants another drink.

The next morning, he will still be in your home. He will stay for another night. After-which, he will invite you over to his home to continue getting to know each other. You’ll make a run to the gas station, suggesting that the two of you eat breakfast first. That will become the hilarious hallmark conversation for the next 10-years, as to how you had the audacity to recommend eating breakfast at a gas station.

Within that first month of meeting him, you will invite him to your hometown 3-weeks later to meet your family at Thanksgiving. You will share some amazing moments while collecting a lot of memories together. You will take a couple of trips together in which you will determine that something is going on that doesn’t add up. You will be a little gullible and naïve. He will even tell you this at times, as you ignore the obvious, allowing him to get away with things that only a fool would. There will be good times, tough times, explosive times, a lot of secrets, a lot of disappearing on his part and a lot of lies. You will ignore all the flags at first, and long enough to get in too deep. But then, you will begin to see all the writing on the wall that you missed, as it begins to illuminate and emerge from the darkness that covered it, while the lights were off.

After the paint has dried, it begins to peel. That is when you’ll discover that he also has two more children by a third girl. You will ignore that as well, and determine that it happened during a break up, but the mathematics shows that it happened a day or so after the break up. Things are adding up. But you’re already 10 years in.

What I would like you to know is that once you step into the fashion show, it is important for you to know that the handsome, nearly 7-foot gentleman to your right, who says he owns a magazine is also married. He’s separated of course, and he lives apart from his estranged wife, but he has a 16-year old son and a baby on the way by his mistress, that he will not tell you about when you meet him…and you will discover on your own, nearly two years later. Should you engage in conversation, you will become another name in the little black book. Though you will last 10 years in the game, you need to know that this is all it is to him: A game. There are things you will never know about him, even after 10 years. There is a part of his life that he will never bring you into, even after 10 years, because he knows it will expose the rest of the writing on the wall.

You should know that should you decide to have small talk, leave it at that and leave it at the fashion show. I know…he’s attractive and he’s saying all the right things but he’s not saying anything at all. Do not exchange numbers and do not invite him over.

If you feel yourself about to take a fall, reject his advances to catch you and just take your fall gracefully. The embarrassment from the fall in your tiny silver dress will result in everyone seeing your underwear, but will be no match for the embarrassment that you will see in 10 years, should you allow this man to catch you.

Seen On Shesavvy.com

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Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships

When What They Meant For Bad, Turned Out For Your Good, But Now They Mad

Have you ever found yourself in a place where something tragic happened, which turned out to be something as equally good? When it happened, you were devastated on many levels and you could not get your mid around it. You couldn’t not believe the betrayal involved, the dishonesty, the manipulation, the evil and vindictive ways of someone and how their action caused you the friends that were lost, loss of employment, loss of career in which stunted your growth for a while and brought on many hindrances in moving forward in your career by staining your reputation and ultimately demolishing everything you had worked for, achieved and built. Their action caused the loss of your business connections and weakened your opportunities in the process. You couldn’t believe how something so impossible could happen to you. It was downright wrong and no reasonable explanation as to how it could have happened, was in your line of view.

You were in a place that you could not explain it to anyone, and even when you did, they didn’t believe you because it was so impossible that they could not phantom it for themselves. So, in the end, you looked as though you were making it all up. You appeared as though you were leaving something out. You were viewed as the one who was not being honest and forthcoming about all the details of what transpired. This impossible action brought on grave circumstances in which you never thought you would overcome. You were in a place where you could not see the beginning from the end. You were stuck in the middle of just existing in life. It was no way to unravel what had been done.

I bet you never looked at it as GOD’s way of cleaning house. Have you ever heard the expressions, “I asked GOD to protect me from my enemies and I started losing friends?” or “We Plan. GOD Laughs?” “When You Are Down To Nothing, GOD Is Up To Something”

Here’s an example: He got you pregnant and then decided that he didn’t want a child. So, you became a single mom overnight. You still smiled, and it bothered him that you accepted the challenge. After-which, he fought you in court to gain custody and to evade paying child support.

He told you that you would be nothing without him and his money and he added that no man would want (A woman with a kid) He dug deeper into your flesh when he said that you’ve been tarnished because you are now a single mother.

He stood on his title, stability in the workplace and financial status to solidify his claim as the better parent. He won in court.

Now, he has all the responsibilities that you had but he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t want that kind of responsibility. He especially doesn’t want the responsibility if it means more freedom for you.

He told you that he wouldn’t need child support from you if he had custody, because he has all the money- but now he’s not only begging you for child support, but he’s requesting it be raised.

He hated you and called you out for being a single mom, but now he has the burdens that he said no man would want you for; which is that he now dates a woman who has two kids of her own.

He didn’t want to pay child support, but now he see the cost of food, education, entertainment, school, clothes, medical, travel and daily expenses of having a child- but he also has the additional two kids, plus the woman, that he must do for in his new relationship. (way more than he would have paid in child support to you)

He can’t walk away from his relationship, because he used it to show that he had a “stable family at home.” Also, if he walks away or allows her to leave, he will look like a double failure and all the truths will be exposed. So, he must continue to buy/purchase her company to keep her around. He must keep her there to keep up the façade. And he hates it. (This cost money)

He dogged you for being a single mom all to find out that a relationship with a Single Mom, is all that he qualifies for, for himself. SIDEBAR: I am no rocket scientist, but its beginning to look like I am being hated because what he once told me, is happening to him. No woman wants a Single father- unless she’s a single mother herself. So now he has exactly what he criticized me about. And perhaps he has come to the realization that there aren’t many women out there who don’t have kids at our age. Perhaps he realized that those women without kids, aren’t looking for a man with baggage.

He invaded your professional spaces with slanderous statements and libelous actions that caused you to lose your place. He constantly pushed for corruption over your life, so that you would not be able to provide for yourself or your child and he won that battle. But he was not happy to see you smile through it all.

When someone wins everything that they asked for and they still are not happy with the outcome, it is because all that they took from you, was meant to paralyze your faith, steal your smile and cripple your existence. And it may have been the case for a while, but you kept smiling and believing. You found your footing and your bearings in life to do it all over again. You continued to smile and that irked the mess out of those who came to kill, steal and destroy. So, they are unhappy about your happiness and your success and most of all, your existence. Because for them, they know that you get to look at them being unhappy in a situation that was meant to bring you that kind of unhappiness.

You went on to secure a better position in the workforce. You remained grounded in faith and your prayers availed. You realized what the ultimate plan on your life was and how all of this was not in vain. You realized that vindication was not yours. You realized that there’s a reason for everything happening in your life, when all those connections and bridges were cut and burned. You begin to see the path. You went on to find happiness in a relationship with someone who loves your child. You went on to have the freedom and luxury that comes from not having the responsibility of having to look out for a child every moment of the day- While he, inherited the curse that he attempted to place on you.

He ended up with triple the hell from what he stole from you and now he’s drunken with hatred for you. He is feasting on his own insides, as he staggers and slowly fade away.

My advice to you is to remain humble. Forgive him, as you probably have which is why he has no more power over you and you have been able to keep it moving. Keep believing. Never stop smiling. Continue to move forward and trust the slow and steady process. Don’t gloat. Don’t brag. Just wait. Just watch.

Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

Teachers Spill The Tea on What It’s Like Dealing With Divorced Parents, and it could use a little more tea

During the summer, while catching up on some old movies that had slipped through the crack in years past, I gathered with career moms to watch a few movies that we could somewhat relate to, while catching some gut-busting laughter and a break from work. As we met, we exchanged dynamic stories of the inner dealings of co-parenting our children. We also shared our anxieties over school beginning, taking on larger than life responsibilities in our careers; where new beginnings were concerned, as well as moves we would have to make, exploring family dynamics, and how to find blends and balances. While a few of us are still dealing with unwilling parents, there were others who have evolved into a place where they have been able to work together, in providing a nurturing environment between homes. Even when it’s a one-sided operation, we keep reaching to find solutions and ways to create a more cohesive relationship, in the name of our children.

In sharing stories as such, you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your plight to raise your children. You find comfort in laughing about things of the past. You also find that you have so much in common. While we all had different stories, there was one denominator in which we all seem to share, with reference to the anxiety of our kids/kid going back to school. It was how the teachers usually handle divorced parents, when it came to access and information.

The kids have been back in school for at least two weeks in some areas, whereas other schools that weren’t closed or affected by closures, due to weather related concerns, began a little over a month ago. Curriculum is underway, as students, teachers, counselors and advisors are getting adjusted to the early morning commute, the back-to-school routine, dismissals and parent-teacher conferences. We thought it would be a great idea to gather teacher perspectives, on what they face from the inside; to either solidify our feeling and claim, or to put it to rest.

Among other things that teachers and school administrators dread, dealing with parents of divorced kids was one. The teachers say that they are often caught in the middle of the mess a lot of times and do not know what to do, which is probably the reason that the other parent feels slighted. While they are advised by superiors, on how to handle situations, it gets sticky when they have formed relationships with one parent, instead of both parents. BOOM! Just what we thought. They went on to say, the hearsay from one parent, regarding the other parent, has influenced them on how they deal with the other parent, and has put them in the cross-fire on many occasions. Here’s more on what they had to say:

In general-In joint or full custody, when moms are the primary: When it comes to dealing with divorced parents, moms major concern was that NO ONE is to pick up child without moms’ consent – no early or random dismissals from school, without her being notified, even if it was dad. School administrators agreed with this as a valid concern for safety*. Dad is permitted to have all the access to the school as she does. Mom wants Dad is to be informed about all things related to child, should he request information. Dad is to be included on the list of immediate emergency contact. Dad should be included on email advisories about events, projects, assignments and all things related to the child/school. However, some moms scoff or rolls eyes, at the sound of dads’ name and throws shade, when having conversations with the teacher. Makes it awkward and uncomfortable for teachers. Moms were described as mom Nazi’s by some teachers account, and the teachers felt as though it was an overcompensation for being a single-parent.

In general-In joint or full custody, when dads are the primary: Dad usually have classify the mother as a “crazy baby-momma”, when addressing teachers. More than half of these Teachers/Administrators said that the dads are the hardest to deal with, being that they use power and influence to make uncompromising request such as: Do not allow mom to visit, do not allow mom access to info regarding grades, teacher curriculum, behavior growth and progress of child; their request seemed more vindictive and spiteful, rather than a true and genuine concern for the child. Their request was reflective of a parent who wanted to deliberately leave the other parent out of activities.

While dads painted a picture of a bad mom, some teachers can read between those lines, to see that it’s not that mom is absent of her child’s affairs, but that she is being maliciously left out, for dad to bring this paining to life. For instance: If mom doesn’t know about curriculum night at the school, because she has not been informed by the school or dad, she is a no-show. Dad express care and concern for the child, but their hatred toward the mother makes teachers uncomfortable*.

About this survey: (conducted in Harris County, Texas/Cy-Fair ISD) -Interviewed 20 teachers / 4 principles / 4 schools-(16 female teachers / 4 male teachers: athletic instructors) (18 teachers whom are married/2 divorced) Grades K-5Questions asked: 1. Is it harder to deal with moms or dads and why? Provide examples. 2. What is mom/dad major concern, with respect to the child? 3. Does the opinion of one parent about the other parent influence you on how to deal with the other parent? 4. How does it make you feel, when one parent puts you in an uncompromising situation? 5. Does either parent influence you to take sides, by with gifts for the school/class or fundraising?

Statement from the Principles: It is our overall concern to teach children while they are in our care, and make sure that they are in a safe environment, conducive to learning and teaching. While it is extremely necessary in sensitive situations, regarding the child, for us to know pertinent information, when it comes to enforcing our policies on safety of the children; it is not necessary to know that one or both parents had a troubled marriage, and that they have a grave dislike for one another. It creates a hostile situation for all, when parents discourage administrators from having a parent-teacher relationship with the other parent. We would like to keep both parents involved, when it comes to the child that they share. We hope that parents will come to agree, that this is what’s best for the child.”

http://www.workingmother.com/teachers-spill-tea-on-what-its-like-dealing-with-divorced-parents

Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

Dad, Are You and My Mom Going to Get Married Again? A Child’s Plea To Do Things Together With His Parents

Dad, are you and my mom going to get married again? A child’s plea to do things together with his parents

I can tell you off the top that I do not have the solution for this. My question to everyone else is, how do you address these questions? I was not prepared and I don’t know how to get prepared. I was prepared for all the other questions that I knew he would ask someday and I think I knocked those out of the park.

Kid, Children, Baby, Kiddie, Summer, Join, Barn, Dirty

As I’m about to drive away, after I had just picked up my son for the weekend, I was excited about the time we were about to have. I looked back and noticed that he was getting teary eyed, and his face was that of one holding back the tears. Confused, I told him that is was perfectly OK if he wanted to roll the window down to say bye to his dad.  

“Why are you sad?” I asked. “Because my dad looks sad. I want my dad to come too. I want to be with both of y’all at the same time.” he responded. My son had expressed this on several occasions before, when he asked me if I could come with him to his dad’s house. He’s cried several times upon being dropped back off at his dad’s house, because he wanted me to come too.

basket, blur, boy

Deep Breath** He took me up on my offer to roll the window down to say good-bye to his dad. However, he didn’t just say good-bye. He asked, “Dad, can you and my mom get married again because I want to be with both of yall?” My head fell… Not sure what his dad said. I began to back away.

Only recently, had my son began to ask me about us getting married again. Almost as if he’d been searching for a resolution and rested on this being the only answer to how we can all be together.

Never did I think he’d ask his dad or me, right there in the presence of one another, if we would get married again so that he can be with both of us, at the same time.

Car, Toy, Childhood, Child, Boy, Fun, Kid, Vehicle

I knew that it would not be much longer before I would have to ditch the kiddy talk and address the conversation head on. But is this considered something age-appropriate to discuss? He’s only 6. Well, he will be 7- years old in December. He’s a pretty quick-witted, smart and intelligent kid. I recognize that he is a lot more insightful about what is and has been going on. I knew he’d have questions, but not this one.

I did not think his request would be that his dad re-marries his mom. (Internal thoughts: Does he see this as the only possibility for us to do things together? Poor baby, this is his perception) Perhaps he doesn’t know that we can do things together and we don’t have to be married? But how can I drive that point, when we haven’t made it happen? (More internal thoughts) Do I just say to him that we are waiting on his dad to be comfortable with having me in the same room with his girlfriend? No, I can’t say that. Do I say that mommy has been trying to do this for years, but dad is afraid to bring us all together, for some reason? Nope, I definitely can’t say that. I cannot tell my son that it’s his dad that is standing in the way of this happening.

Doll, Clown, Sad, Bank, Sit, Colorful, Sweet, Funny

As I am driving away, looking at my sons’ face, I felt awful! “Your dad can come if he wants to.” I said. Besides, we were just headed for a quick bite to eat at that moment. I stopped when I got to the corner. I asked, “What do you want me to do? Should I invite dad to lunch with us?” He said, “Yes.” My son told me that I would have to be the one to ask, because dad would listen to me. (My inside jokester said, oh boy… you have no idea… no he won’t) But, I escaped from that being my response and I just did the dirty work.

Dialing*** He answered the phone, “What’s up, what do you need?” to which I replied, “Hi. Deon wants to know if you would like to grab lunch with us.” He explained that he had some other appointments and things he needed to do. He thanked me for the invite and that was it. I hung up the phone and my son asked, “Does he really have something to do or is he just saying that?” Geez! I am slapping my forehead at this point. All these questions. LOL.

All I could think to say was, “Well, what would we do with (xyz) dad’s girlfriend? My son responds, “IonKno” followed by a, ‘least of my concern, shoulder Scruggs and facial expression’. I thought that if I threw her into the mix, (reminding my son that xyz may get hurt and he shouldn’t want to hurt her because he already told me he likes her) that my son would consider the fact that his dad has a girlfriend that we all like. (Internal thought: My son told me one day that he was afraid to tell me that he liked xyz, because he did not want to hurt my feelings. Little did he know, but I assured him, this was music to my ears because it was all I was worried about) Man, I wish they knew how much this meant to him.

Little Boy, Child, Son, Play, Outdoors, Toys, Cars

But then I thought that if I used her, it would make it seem as if there was a possibility of his dad and I being together if xyz didn’t exist. And that’s not the case, so I tried to fix it. So, I asked, “Well what will mommy do with her fiancé?” Oops… had to take that back too, because again it sounds like if mommy was not in a relationship, that there was a possibility. Altogether, I didn’t want my son to become hopeful about there ever being a possibility. (Because doesn’t he need to know that there’s no possibility?) Or do I just address and work on the problem that he is having, which is trying to get us in the same room to do things together? Because if I fix that, wouldn’t he stop asking us to get remarried? – Stop me when I start over-thinking this!

Image result for BLENDED FAMILY

I didn’t want my son to think that the reason that his dad and I were not together, was due to us being committed to other people. Because that’s not the reason. And for all I know, if he thought this, he could begin to resent our partners if he thought they were the reasons for his biological parents not being together. (Furthermore, he doesn’t need to know the real reason we are not together, right?)

Bottom line is this. I want my son to know that his dad and I do not have to be married for us all to do things together. But I am not able to show him this, as I am restricted. I want him to know that we can do things together with both individuals that we are involved with. I want him to know this so that he can abandon the idea of us ever getting married again, with ease.

Image result for KIMORA RUSSELL BLENDED FAMILY

I’d be remiss not to say that I notice when my son is happiest and it’s when he sees that his dad and I are in one place at one time, with him. Such as during his Baseball games. I want my son to be happy. With that in mind, there’s always a thought in my head about when the time will come that everyone will be able to blend.

I want my child’s underlying request to be granted, which is for us to have a cohesive relationship where we can have positive interactions as parents, in the presence of my son. I want to blend our families and have the luxury of them joining us for dinner or lunch, so that my son can know and feel that we are all part of one team. 

Lifestyle, Relationships, Uncategorized

Mistakes and Decisions are Not One in The Same

Mistakes and Decisions Are Not One In The Same, and are not to be used interchangeably.

Everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes are inevitable. However, repetitiveness in the same acts are not mistakes and cannot be defined as mistakes. They are decisions. One cannot say that they didn’t know it would hurt someone or that they didn’t know it was wrong- or that they are still learning. When a man can admit his mistakes, take ownership for his mistakes and be responsible for his decisions and wrong-doings and then apologize for it as well as apologize for causing someone to feel the way they feel, being on the receiving of that mistake (repetitive or not) or that one wrong-doing in; he’s a highly respected man, and one to take seriously.

Mistakes, Choices and Decisions:

The truth is, the things that we accept, become the things that we regret. Once you allow a man to skate over the things he does to hurt you, especially without requiring, not just an apology, but recognition of the mistake and accountability, he will repeat. It becomes something habituated. He becomes accustomed to treating you this way. If you allow it over and over, it becomes your decision to do so, as much as it is his decision. Neither of you made a mistake, you both continue to make bad decisions.

Communication:

If you express to a man that he has hurt you, he must acknowledge it, so that he is on the same page with you, regarding what happened. If he continues beyond this point, it’s a decision, not a mistake. If he refuses to acknowledge, then you should know what you are dealing with. You don’t have to show most men how a woman should be treated, but you do need to show yours how you want to be treated. If he fits the bill, he will. If he doesn’t, then he won’t. Lay down the law, being willing to make small-changes and compromises for the relationship to work, but don’t compromise the core of what you want and need.

If a man does not acknowledge your feelings, behind something that hurt you- it is a sure sign, that he doesn’t see it as you do, and therefore will not take it into account, when the time and chance comes again for him to make that decision. Which afterwards, he will offer another void apology. If he discounts your feelings and is not willing to address it, by not allowing you to speak, talking over you, shutting you down by changing the subject or diverting to your tone or your frustration, he is unwilling. He is refusing to take accountability for doing something wrong, and this is ineffective communication. When he makes no effort to understand, while you hash it out, it is not that important to him; thus, you’re not that important to him. You cannot force a man to love you, or to treat you the way that you want and you shouldn’t have to. But you should require it, prior expecting anything from him. Unrequited love does not work.

A man who values you and loves you will have no problem making small adjustments to make the relationship work, so long as you’re not asking for the impossible and being totally unreasonable. A simple, “call me when you get where you are going”, is not too much to ask. A simple, “please let me know when you make it home”, is not too much to ask.

Second Chances:

When you give second chances, it should be based on your partners willingness to correct the steps forward. You don’t have to hold the past over a person’s head. However, you are responsible for applying the lessons that you learned from your experiences. If someone burned you from doing something to you- you know what it was. It is your responsibility to communicate that to them- and at the point that you allow a second chance, you need to reiterate what is acceptable. You need to stand firm on it. They need to understand what it was, and come to the realization of the magnitude, to drastically increase the chances of not doing it again. A man will only do what he’s allowed to do and will only continue to do what you continue to tolerate.

If you begin again, on the same foot, you can also expect the same results. A brand-new person, does not come with old a$$ ways. Trust what’s consistent and believe someone when they show you who they are. Tread lightly in your decision to go back to the same thing…even when they have expressed changes. You need to make an educated decision on matters of your heart and your happiness.

Changes:

Keep in mind that some people are not trainable and they are opposed to change. They are like concrete, which has been thoroughly mixed and permanently set. They see nothing wrong with what they have been doing, because it has worked for them. The things they have been doing have warranted no reason for change as no one has ever expressed that it’s a problem for them, and so those people are resistant to change.

Realize that you’re stepping into someone’s comfort zone when you’re asking them to make changes that accommodate a healthy relationship. They don’t realize that just because their single life worked, doesn’t mean the ways of a single life will mesh with the life that you have when you’re in a full-on relationship. That may take some time- but it doesn’t take forever. It doesn’t take 10 years. One season, yes! But 40 seasons, NO!

Application:

You shouldn’t have to walk someone through this process step by step. But if they are truly remedial in the areas of relationships, it may require some trial and error for them. However, once again- after many trials and errors and someone is not catching on, you should be able to determine if it’s because they can’t, or they just don’t want to. You need to decide if you want to be their trial and error. Take it one day at a time. Recognize slight changes, applaud and reward good behavior, but do not confuse one day of doing well out of a week, as progress. When you give someone your heart, make sure they are returning to you, theirs. And then, be accountable for your own decision to do so, as well as the potential heartache that you will suffer, in doing so.

Follow Niedria on Twitter and visit her Blog

Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships

Make this your response: Dear haters, I still want you to win

I want you to win because I believe in empowering people, women and men. I hope to motivate and inspire you to believe it for yourself too. I want you to win, because I want to see you happy. I want to see you rise above your ways, thrive and flourish into something beautiful. Even when you don’t wish the same for me, I still want to see it for you. I want you to have all that you’ve ever hoped for, wished for and dreamed for. Everything that you think will make your life great or greater, even those things which cause you to envy, or despise who and what you don’t know- I hope that someday soon, that you can have it. I want you to win.

I want your life to be an on-going list of amazing experiences. All the places that you want to go visit, all the luxurious hotel beds that you want to sleep in, all the first-class flights, jets, or private charters and yachts you want to take, the house that you want to live in, the financial situation that you want to have, the emotional state of happiness that you need, and whips that you want to push, I want you to have it all. I want you to have the clothes, the friends, the networks and the support. Even though you don’t support me, I still want you to win. Even though you have not been a friend to me, I still want this for you. I hope that someday, in the near further, that you won’t have to live vicariously through anyone, and that you can have the life that you so desire.

I want you to win. I want you to place every egg that you have in one basket, and I want it to multiply for you. I want you to reap seeds of prosperity and I want you to love yourself. I want you to be able to do all the things in life that will bring you peace and joy, whether it’s to have kids, work a job you love, have the career that you want, the title in life that you want, and I want you to be with someone you love. I want you to have the relationship with family that you want, sip champagne just because it’s Sunday and enjoy brunch every day, with people who wish you well. All this, because I truly want you to win.

It doesn’t matter who you are, I still want you to win: Whether we went to high school together, and you judge your own success in life off who went further, or whether you are an ex, who can’t get over a past of pain, in which I never knew I brought to you. I still want you to win, whether we worked together at some point and you did your best to get me fired, I still want the best for you. I will still put my best, in sincerely wanting you to have everything you took, take or are trying to take from me. Whether you were a girlfriend to an ex, who never wanted to see me with him, whether you were a parent of someone I used to know, who hates me for no reason. Whether you are a teacher who never wanted to see me graduate, whether you came in, 2nd place to me in a competition for a title or position that you wanted, whether you are someone who gets sick at the sound of my name, I still want you to win.

Even though you secretly stalk me, wanting for a moment to swipe my happy moment, I want you to win. Whether you are someone who, with bad intentions and motives, prowls my social media, I want to see you win….Whether you are a church member caught up in the hoopla of lies and deception, games and trickery, with no will to see me come out on top. I still want you to win. If you are an attorney, who took my money, with no intention to help, but all the desire in the world, just to get information and then take it back to those who betrayed me, I STILL want you to win. Whether you have taken my deepest secrets and placed your own verse on them, creating your own rendition, before sharing them with more people, who are just like you, I still want you to win.

I still want you to win, despite the blatant ways you have tried to make me lose. I still want you to win, even though, when you knew the truth, you still sided with wrong, just to see me fail. I still want you to win, even though you take from me and I give to you. I still want you to win, even though we don’t know each other, but you judge me based off things you may have heard. I still want you to win, even though you constantly look for ways to bring me down.

You can have it all, but if your heart is not right and your spirit is corrupt, you’ll never be able to see it. You’ll never feel the joy that comes into your life, long as you’re blocking the door with hatred, spite, anger, envy, jealousness. Wishing Hurt, harm and pain on someone else, or damaging a person, sabotaging a person, destroying someone’s reputation, credibility and life; will never return to you all the things you want. I want you to win so that’s why I’m sharing this pearl.

I want you to win, so that you can stop hoping and wishing it away from other people, and so that you can stop dwelling on what they have, and how you wish they didn’t have it or how you hope they lose it. I want you to win, so that you don’t have to rely on your happiness coming from seeing someone else lose the things they have worked so hard for.

But, here’s the catch: I want you to wake up and decide that you are going to be happy and that you want to win, fair and square. Your win can not come from taking, stealing, lying, or being manipulative, deceiving and dishonest. That’s when you’ll know that you’re WINNING

Then, with intentional purpose, set out to just be happy. I want this for you, that you will be able to do just that- so that you can live again. So that you can shut off that internally redundant behavior of hating on other people; by which you have been gossiping, spreading and perpetuating lies and creating drama. I want you to stop engaging and dealing in acts of hatred toward other people’s happiness and their possessions.

I want you to have a life that is so full of the things you love, that you will no longer concern yourself with me or anyone else that you think is doing better or that may have the things that you want for yourself. I want you to have the luxury of being involved with things that can be positively life altering for you as well as a blessing to the world. I want you to experience a transformation that is so powerful, that you wake up and realize that hating on someone else, will never grant you the happiness that’s required to truly enjoy any of the things above. I am still rooting for you!

Originally published on Cafemom.com. See it here

Lifestyle, Relationships

The Harsh Reality is, Sometimes You Just Have To Move On. Leaving Behind, The Things That Are Meant To Be Left Behind

To the woman/man who cannot move on from an unhealthy relationship:

Alarm Clock, Coffee Cup, Time Of, Arouse

How long will it take, for you to finally walk away from that emotionally abusive relationship and stop telling yourself that you’re staying for the kids? How long will it take before you scream NO more to the physical abuse and the mental abuse that you claim in the name of generational curses?

How long, before you: Walk Away. Close the door. Stop Chasing. Leave him/her alone. They have shown and proved time and time again that you are not important, they do not love you, he does not want you. She is not interested in a future with you. Stop waiting for signs. There are no more signs. You have received every single sign, that is known to man.

You have exceeded your limit in signs, in that she does not call, he disappears for days, he does not apologize, he continues to hurt you, she continues to dissapoint you, he is unwilling to communicate about anything serious, she does not let you in, he always closes you out. You are a settlement for him. Anytime something that he perceives as better than you, comes along, he will always leave you.

Stop taking him back. Sometimes when the signs stop revealing themselves, it’s because you are beyond the point of a sign. You are headed for the crash. Have you ever seen a sign on a at the bottom of an embankment, after you have fallen off? NO. That’s why you don’t see any signs anymore…. But you know this! Yet, you keep saying, “OK, one more sign then I am done.” Does this sound familiar?

To the Man who won’t let go of an ex-wife:

Divorce, Separation, Marriage Breakup, Split, Argument

How long do you think you can mask the fact that you’re truly unhappy, long as you are still engaging in things that will ultimately affect everything you love and live for? Do you not see how that it has a stronghold over your life?

You have found yourself incapable of living a genuinely happy and healthy life, even though you have all the ingredients; because you can’t let go of the woman who walked out of your life. You can’t let her live her life, without interruption and interference from you- because you can’t stand the sight of her being happy with anyone else or doing anything else that brings happiness to her life.

Yet, you have a woman…you’re in a relationship, you have a phenomenal job, things are going great for you, so the world thinks. And so, you have convinced yourself, that this façade will work for you. When the truth is, behind closed doors, and when your family, friends and girlfriend isn’t looking, you are involved in shenanigans, geared toward bringing pain and suffering to someone else, all because they hurt you several years ago. You are still caught up in the ultimate revenge plot to ruin her life. Stop!

Let her go. Release her. Move on. Give her your blessings. Live your life. Let her be happy. Welcome the new woman and love her to life, giving her everything she deserves, for wanting to love you. Stop self-sabotaging. Stop standing in the way of what your future could have for you. If you continue on holding to a past, by “getting back” at someone, your new relationship will eventually fall apart. She will not stand for it, when she finds out what’s really going on behind her back. If you truly have no concern about the things that your ex is doing, you wouldn’t continue in madness. Show it, by getting off her social media and stop stalking her. Stop looking for ways to ruin her life/career/relationships. Leave her alone, once and for all.

To the woman who won’t let go of her first, who may be the father of her child:

Model, Crying, Woman, Skin, Bra, Lying, Young, Female

How long do you think you can mask your anger toward someone who “left you with a child” after he got the “goodies” long as it’s the same script you keep repeating with him and people that you meet? If that’s your story, fine. But you can always change the end, and in knowing that, you can begin to move away from the part about “what happened.” What you need to realize is, it happened …and now what?

You will never find love, in empty places, or cluttered spaces. You must fill your heart with love, and clean your space of the past and all that has kept you between a rock and a hard place with regards to setting yourself free, from your past. Give yourself back to yourself, and stop allowing the experience from the first relationship or the fact that you have kids together, to keep you in a place of resentment. Stop giving him energy. Get back to being you, the person you were, couple with the blessing that life has given you in the process.

If he has chosen not to be a father to his child, then you just be the best mother that you can be,because your child will appreciate it. Your child needs you to be strong and healthy. You cannot do that, if you’re always trying to teach a man to be a man. You cannot do it, by crying over the choices that someone else has made. You cannot do it by staying in a situation that will hold you down and keep you down. Wish him well, and all the successes that he could ever imagine in life, and just move on.

Let him go. Release him. Move on. Live your life. Pray for him. Don’t’ worry about what he is doing versus what he should be doing. Don’t allow him to steal anymore of your time, by chasing him down and threatening him and the life he lives… it will not bring him back. You have someone who is trying to love you and you need to let them, if you want love. There is life after children. There is life after a troubled relationship, long as you want that life and you are willing to make the steps in the right direction, which start at claiming your happiness.

To people everywhere …

Woman, Girl, Freedom, Happy, Sun, Silhouette, Sunrise

Quit selling yourself short. Where the eff, is your “eff it” switch? When do you finally cut those things off, that are holding you back from a life of fulfilment, with yourself or with someone who wants to relish in the luxurious state of happiness with you?

Article Originally Published Here, at CAFEMOM