Something For Moms Everywhere

I was searching for the words over the weekend to share something that I was not sure if I should even share at all. Then, the more I thought about it the more it became clear to me that I had to. Because sometimes the very thing thing we went through, are the very things that someone else is going through. This is the time that we may have a word, which may help and assist someone else who’s going through something similar, even if just by letting them know that they are not alone.

As mothers, we are often criticized when we take on careers outside of being a housewife or a stay at home mom. Sadly, this criticism comes from other women and mothers sometimes. Even more sad, it can come from people that we are close to or share a past with.

These careers may come with the requirement of travel, where you are away for up to a 2-weeks period. It may come with the requirement of attending weekly events or conferences and being out until 10 P.M. on some evenings reporting on them (if you are in journalism) It may require that you have an after-school program in place for your child to attend, as you are not able to pick him/her up from school every-day. It may require moving away altogether, when the situation is that you are a mom with a portion of responsibilities that require you to accept work out of town, to meet the terms of those responsibilities.

For some 1930’s reason, there are many people who still think that women who do not stay at home with their children or are not able to be with their children everyday are less than worthy of being called a “good mom” whether it was by their own choosing or force through minimal options available which would have otherwise allowed them to stay at home with their children all the time.

Perhaps we should examine the meaning of the phrase “good mom”

Does she love and care for her child? Does she show and tell her child that she loves him/her? Does she provide for her child? Does she show her child that she has a vested interest in his education and success? Does she teach her child right from wrong? Does she instill values in her child and build moral? Does she support her child in ways that show her child that she is devoted to his/her mental and emotional needs? Does she feed her child and make sure he/she is eating healthy? Does she clothe her child and make sure he/she is clean and groomed? Does she listen to her child? Does she engage in bonding activities with her child?

So, she does all the above, but she happens to also work.

Does her child have an age appropriate understanding of why his/her mother works and that mom must work, to continue to provide the most basic thing that he/she need for survival? IE: Food. What about shelter? She must provide that as well, right? What about the things that go into that shelter and the things that are needed to maintain that shelter, such as electricity, gas and water. What about the additional things that are needed for the child, such as Shoes and Clothes. What about all that fun stuff he/she wants to do on the weekend? IE: The Movies, The Trampoline Park, Chuck-E-Cheese?

So, again… she has done all of this and makes it clear to her child as she re-iterates the importance of her having to work. Wouldn’t you say that’s a pretty good mom? If theability to do all of these things exist, and are being done…. I’d say she’s nailing this mom thing.

So why is it that people only concern themselves with the “picture” or the “image” of a good mom only being one that is with her child every day? What does it mean when someone says that you are “not there for your child” when you are doing all the above?Sidebar -RE: Divorced Parents – Have you factored in the naked truth that when a child is assigned to live primarily with one parent, it can be relatively impossible for the other parent to physically be there every day? And that is far from saying that someone is not there for their child, when they aren’t being allowed to. I think this is something that parents, men and women, should consider, as well as those who are judging the situation.

What I think people in the world often do to one another that is so wrong, is that they make you feel forced to make them understand why you have made every decision you have made in your life. Your responsibility is not to make them understand. But if it doesn’t make sense to them or if they “think” they would have done something differently, they can’t accept it. It’s unfortunate, because the way that they deal with the inability to understand is then to criticize.

This is what I say to mothers and career women: You should not consume yourself with trying to appease everyone with an explanation about why you have chosen to live your life the way that you are living it. It’s your story for a reason and everyone will not understand that. You may be on a different path than they are. You have a separate set of circumstances. Your destiny is not the same as everyone around you, and so your journey will not be the same.

Whether you are a stay at home mom, a career mom, a mom who does it all, a recently divorcee, a mother who’s going through the most trying time in her life… don’t let anyone tell you that you are a bad mother for doing something differently from what they would have done.

1. Don’t allow people to steal your joy by making you feel guilty about the healthy decisions that you have made in your life.

2. Don’t be afraid to take that job, embark on a new career which may require travel. People are going to have something to say, regardless. (If you did not work, they would talk about that too)

3. You are not leaving your child. You are a great mother. You are a mother who is making yet another sacrifice for your child. You have demonstrated this to the one person who matters… your child.

4. Don’t set expectations high for anyone to see this. People will discourage you. They will try to break you down. They will tell you that you are wrong. They will judge you.

5. Don’t be afraid to love and be loved. Don’t feel guilty about loving or being loved. Sometimes people will not applaud this. It won’t sit well with people who are not rooting for you to love or be loved.

But for everyone that is telling you that you wrong, there are more that will tell you that you are right. Sometimes in putting your child first, you must make that move. You must cultivate a healthy life so that you are healthy for your child and so that you can consistently provide a healthy environment for him/her.

I absolutely loved the time I was able to stay at home with my child even though I was a single mother. I chose assignments that did not require me being away from him at all. I chose assignments where I could bring him along with me. I incorporated mommy-hood/parent-hood into my career. But those were the options I had at that time in my life. As your child gets older, things change. The need to change his diaper every 4 hours dies out. The need to warm his bottle, rock him to sleep, and feed him will begin to fade. As the need to do those things dissipate, the need to do more will materialize. His needs are different, so quite naturally we adjust with the times to ensure that those new needs are being met. My child is older now and in school, he’s more independent and able to speak for himself. If we are maximizing the time that we do have with our children in loving them, caring for them and supporting them, we are all good mothers. You are a GREAT MOTHER.

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SOOO, I am not a good mother since my ex can’t piss me off anymore?

Warning: Excessive foul and Expressive language may be used to express excessive points. If you are sensitive and more importantly if you are a bitch ass baby daddy- you may want to exit right now. You have already been warned.

Disclaimer: I am tired as fuck of my baby daddy and his air balls at pissing me off.

Here’s the post he’s been waiting for: This is how the story went…. A fleeting time ago I was hit with the devastating news that I was losing custody of my child to his father, whom successfully gained custody after lying his Ars off in court. Lies included him saying that I did not care about my son, he did not believe that I was a good parent, a loving mother and that I had no concern for my child’s health and overall well-being. He said that I did not spend time with him and that I poked fun at the fact that he had a TIC on social media. He lied about me endangering my child. (All made up) He even went on to make these false and meritless statements, none of which were supported by any documentation, evidence or anything other than his opinion and word. Go Figure!

He had me jailed on a false accusation. He caused me a criminal record over a false accusation. Never providing proof nor evidence – and the prosecutor never heard from the witnesses but went to the grand jury with a bunch of opinions- and because that’s the way it works in Texas, they indicted me. However they ultimately dismissed the case two years later. But guess what? ITS STILL ON MY RECORD and still affects my life! The damage was done.

The sad part is that idiots of the world only see that he won the custody battle, so they believe this shit must have been true. They don’t have the details or the back story and absolutely no wherewithal to discern between truth and lies- they are lazy as fuck and would rather go off what they hear rather than to research.

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For those who know me, they knew that this was a cold-hearted…. Well, A heartless attempt at making me look bad, so that he could get the favorable outcome. All is fair in love and war, right?

He went on to say that I was unemployed, financially unstable and had not proven myself to have stability in life. He harped on his job of 10 plus years, his status as a pharmacist, his salary over 100k and his success at remaining in a home for over 10 years, (the home I left to his ass after trying to show that I wasn’t trying to take anything from him) as his means for solidifying his claims against mine. (Who knew that you couldn’t decide to move from a home to a $2000.00/month apartment and then back to a home within 10 years without being labeled as unstable? Who knew that you couldn’t take on another position with another company making more income within 10 years without being called unstable? Who knew that in Texas, if you have lived in your boring ass home for 10 years and kept the same job for 10 years it meant you were stable) That’s a memo I never got!

I stayed home to take care of my child everyday of his life and he never needed for anything. I provided love, support, affection, attention, teaching, learning opportunity and extra curricular activities- never once denying his dad the opp to be there.

While it was heartbreaking to hear someone that I had known for over 25 years could make such an accusation, especially knowing the leaps and bounds I took for my son, the sacrifices I made for my son and the passion I had for being a mother along with all the things I did for my son before daddy even decided to claim his son, and all the things I did to make sure that Mr. Deadbeat had an opportunity to be in his child’s life when and if he decided to be; I was even more devastated that it came from someone I had blessed with a son and had no hard feelings against. But when a man is scorn, my lord- he can turn into the most evil, vindictive and malicious creature you’ve ever seen. #FACTS And yes, while we are on the subject, his own pathetic mother, grandmother, family and broke ass friends can be a part of it. #CHEERLEADERS

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Now, let me add this: It didn’t help me at all with the custody case that I had written grievance after grievance against the judge and the lawyers involved with this mockery of justice during the 4 years that we were fighting – Along with sharing the story with news channels and making a documentary … A screenplay… etc., Because when it came down to the judge making his decision, opposing counsel made sure that he reminded the judge that I had written a grievance against him and the Judge who was hearing the case. This was hunting season for them. The day they’d all been waiting for had arrived. This was a no win for me. And it had nothing to do with me being a bad parent. It was finally time for them to seek revenge. My custody case was not about how bad or good of a parent I was. It was about what I had posted, written and shared on social media about the injustice that was unfolding in Harris County. And that’s documented in the transcripts of the court from that day (Feb 2017)

I told them all before entering court that I knew there was no way that I would win, when the judge making the decision was already upset about me saying that his ruffled pink socks did not match his cute little skirt. I knew that opposing counsel felt some type of way about me talking about his correction shoes (which he even brought up in court….at a damn custody hearing!!) lol. My point of going to court was to have on record all the lies that were being told, because at that point I had to start thinking ahead to all the questions my son would soon have about why he was not with his mother that he loves and adores. I wanted my son to know that I went through the fire! I wanted him to hear for himself, should he ever ask. So, I was at peace. I had to arrive at peace because this was a situation that I was not in control of and no matter how right I was, I was not going to be able to convince a judge that he shouldn’t retaliate against me when he had all the power to do so. That’s just how little men with complexes are. When you point out that they are two feet tall, it’s game on! When you point out that they should not have a seat on the bench because they cannot handle someone telling them when they are wrong, their narcissistic urge to fuck your world up comes into play. They will stop at nothing to show you that Little, Short Men who got no play in school, lives matter. Furthermore, when you have intel about their personal lives, they are on a mission to destroy you before you can destroy them. (Another story for another day)

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I said all that to say that its apparent that I had my share of lashing out as I was angry, upset, mad, disgusted, livid, pissed off, in denial about what was happening, all while seeking justice for my son and trying to make sure that he did end up with the more suitable parent. But in that time, I forgot about how little men handle insults. I forgot about how when they were in high school they were overlooked, so they took on powerful positions in their careers and work life later in life so that they could prove a point and go after every woman or good looking male athlete in defense of the not so popular crown and root for the underdog. My hand was in the lion’s mouth. I was up against insecure, little men with complexes who were pissed off that I called them out. Unfortunately for me, they were the little men who were making the decisions at the end of the day.

But here is where I tell you about how things changed. As mentioned before, I knew what the outcome would be, and I had already planned for it. That’s why when it happened, I moved on without hiccups. I had small setbacks and it bothered me of course, but when you arrive at a place where you realize being down everyday and hurt or remaining in disbelief over a situation doesn’t place you where you need to be and does nothing for the situation, you move the fuck on. You find ways to cope. You see the silver lining. You embark on new journeys and opportunities that are available to you with your new set of circumstances. And if you are smart about it, you make it work.

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But here’s what happens when you do this. You get that email message from your bitch assed baby daddy one day that states that you’re not a good mom and you don’t care about your kid, and mothers “don’t do that” (Move out of the state of texas) since you are not mad anymore about what has taken place. WTF? LOL Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t. They want you to be upset, That’s why they did what they did… long as you are upset, they are happy, but when you find happiness or ways to cope and measures to take which will help you navigate through all the pain, it eats at their soul and the only thing they can tell you is that you are not a good parent since you can only see that you don’t have to take the responsibility of the mistakes they made.. WTF. Moving out of the state all of a sudden means I don’t care about my son? Moving from a place of constant harassment and threats of going to jail, makes me a bad mom? Get over yourself. A smart mom would do just this! So that they will no longer be a target of destruction! And so that they can ensure that their child will have their mother around and not fall victim again to circumstance brought on by an angry father who can’t digest that his BM doesn’t want him.

This is what I see: I see a man who did all he could to destroy my life and instead of destroying my life, he’s slowly destroying our sons. Does that make me happy? Hell no. I am still devastated- but give me one example where being devastated fixed a situation. I’ll wait….. NONE. Action is what fixes a situation. I’m taking action- and that doesn’t include giving more crooked attorneys 100’s of 1000’s of dollars all for them to take money under the table (from opposing parties) and under represent me at the end of the day!

My action is to be there for my child in all the ways that I can. In all the ways I can be, which are all the ways I wholeheartedly want to be. It does not include giving the baby daddy any energy. My plight is not to rescue the daddy from hurt and deliver him from pain of me leaving him or showing him that he hurt me by taking my son under false accusations and playing on the court. My plight is to be the best mom possible and that includes being healthy in mind, body and spirit. If that means that I must cope with a temporary situation because of the cards that were dealt and watch from a distance because I have no other options, then that is what I will do. I will never give up on my son and I will always be here for him, wherever the chips may fall…. but what I will not do is to give my baby daddy the fuel he so desperately needs and desires in knowing that he shattered me when he took my son away just to prevent paying child support. So, my question still is WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL SO MAD?

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Is it because you thought that stating your income would piss your BM off, as if she didn’t know what it was? Is it because you thought you were the only nigga who could take care of your BM? Is it because you thought that none else would want your BM and you’ve found that not to be true? Is it because you mentioned that you are in a relationship and that was supposed to piss your BM off (? which you’re clearly not happy to be in)? Is it because the “stable home” that you are building a new life in, is the same one that you literally built a life in with your BM? Is it because you are just upset that she’s not mad anymore about the lies you told and that the universal laws of karma have proven to you that you can’t get away with murder……? How can you tell her that she’s not a good mom, just because she’s not upset over the outcome anymore? Is it because you now know what it takes to be the custodial parent and you bit off more than you could chew? You don’t get to be upset about having the sole responsibility of providing for your son, when that’s what you asked for! Man Up!

I am making moves that will guarantee my son a successful set up in life, despite the circumstance. I would like Baby daddy to know that now is the time for him to get over himself and his need for constant attention and focus on his son. I would love for him to know that he should not be concerned about what I am doing, if I am doing for my son, the things I can do. I would like for him to know that just because he doesn’t see me angry about the bull shit he pulled in court, does not make me a bad parent. Its an example of someone picking up the cards and moving on, to create a future for the child she cares more about than the feelings of her trifling baby daddy who wants so badly to see her hurting.

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In closing and in response to that ridiculous email about me not being a good mother since I am not mad over not having custody….Fuck you and the horse you rode in on… It’s not about you. It’s about the child. Stop trying to upset your child’s mother. Stop trying to piss your baby mother off. Stop trying to destroy your baby mother…. Think about your child. Yes, your child’s mother has moved on. She has found a life worth living. She has found ways to cope and she has the support to do so. If you were any kind of father, you would want this for her. You would want this for your child. If your child’s mother is still present for your child and supportive of your child’s endeavors, don’t make your life about making her so mad that she is not able to do so. Because when you do………. When you did, with that email, you showed the world what your entire intention was; Which was to make her so mad that she wouldn’t be able to do any of these things. And now you look stupid.

I’ll Drink To That! In 2018, what are you drinking to? Reader comments encouraged. Share and Re-tweet

I’ll Drink To That! In 2018, what are you drinking to? Reader comments encouraged. Share and Re-tweet

It’s time for a little fun and reader engagement! Don’t you just love when there’s an activity that gets everyone involved! Here’s your chance to participate.

We are drinking to success in the new year, success from previous year, goals in the new year, achievements and milestones in the new year. We are drinking to dreams coming true and for blessings and a prosperous year ahead. We are celebrating by raising our glass victoriously, to what we’ve accomplished in the past as well as to what we anticipate accomplishing this year as if it’s ALREADY done. It’s an exercise about speaking things into existence or to visualize it so that you can achieve it.

It can also be what you are doing in the present moment that you have been waiting to do, in which you will drink to. You are free to be as humorous, as serious and as sarcastic as you’d like to be with this exercise. I just ask that you keep it clean and G-Rated. Keep in mind, this is something that YOU are speaking into existence, if it’s not something that has already been done or being done in the present moment. If you think about it, you probably have more to drink to that you could imagine. Whatever you’re excited about having done or doing, lets share!

It’s not about being unrealistic and forcing people to get their hopes up just to be let down, its an exercise about the power of life and death resting in the tongue. If you see it as real, then that’s what counts! If you have done it, celebrate! You must speak over yourself sometimes, be encouraged and say give yourself an applause when done. It’s an exercise about speaking positivity and light into your life, seeing dreams manifest into something real and being excited about what you have done.

Take it a step further if you like and play this game while you’re entertaining guest at your home or while you’re out with your friends this weekend. Go around in a circle and rattle off things you would drink to. See how long the game goes on.

So, pull out your wine, whiskey, cognac, coolers, beer or sparkling grape juice. Below are a few responses I received already. This is what we are drinking to!

Just closed on my Dream home – I’ll drink to that

Just opened a homeless shelter – I’ll drink to that

Passes my Physical Exam – I’ll drink to that

Just refinanced my house- I’ll drink to that

My son just passed 11th grade – I’ll drink to that

My son got a job – I’ll drink to that

I am in great health – I’ll drink to that

Just completed budget for 2018 donations to various Charities – I’ll drink to that

My clothing line is in several stores across the country – I’ll drink to that

He liked it and he put a ring on it – I’ll drink to that

I was able to give to those in need – I’ll drink to that

My business is a total and complete success – I’ll drink to that

My largest Bill is paid off – I’ll drink to that

You’re not paying me what I am worth, Bye – I’ll drink to that

My credit card % usage is less than 30% – I’ll drink to that

Confirmed my trip to London – I’ll drink to that

Just furnished my new home – I’ll drink to that

Started a new job who pays me well – I’ll drink to that

My blog just went viral – I’ll drink to that

I’ve been asked to be an Ambassador for the ABFF – I’ll drink to that

I just got a phenomenal raise – I’ll drink to that

Just got invited to Turks Island – all expense paid – I’ll drink to that

Just made my first million – I’ll drink to that

The judge awarded me custody – I’ll drink to that

Headed to Dubai with my son – I’ll drink to that

Getting married in Monaco – I’ll drink to that

Just got married – I’ll drink to that

Just sold a house – I’ll drink to that

You must pay me alimony – I’ll drink to that

Pay my momma Bills, I go no time to chill – I’ll drink to that

My son made the A- Honor-Roll – I’ll drink to that

My son just got a full scholarship – I’ll drink to that

Won my lawsuit – I’ll drink to that

Paid off my school loans – I’ll drink to that

He finally paid his child support – I’ll drink to that

Lionsgate just requested my manuscript – I’ll drink to that

My Move across country was the best move I made – I’ll drink to that

My son is the teacher’s favorite – I’ll drink to that

Debt Free for the first time – I’ll drink to that

Hit the lottery – I’ll drink to that

My son just wrote a book – I’ll drink to that

Got Master’s Degree, finally at 62 years old – I’ll drink to that

My mom is looking stunning, standing next to the ride I just sent her – I’ll drink to that

The Battle Is Over – I’ll drink to that

My son gives a dam – I’ll drink to that

My son doesn’t get in trouble in school anymore – I’ll drink to that

My sex life is revived with my husband – I’ll drink to that

I am on the Best-Selling Author list – I’ll drink to that

I completed another book – I’ll drink to that

My screenplay just hit it big – I’ll drink to that

I have a sex life – I’ll drink to that

He made a promise and he kept it – I’ll drink to that

I said yes – I’ll drink to that

My health is renewed – I’ll drink to that

Cancun is looking lovely from where I am sitting – I’ll drink to that

I paid all my back taxes and got rid of the IRS – I’ll drink to that

The IRS got hacked, all records lost – I’ll drink to that

Headed to the Netherlands with my son – I’ll drink to that

My son has his own side quarters in our new house – I’ll drink to that

New Home construction finally complete – I’ll drink to that

5 Things to Get Excited About In 2018:

5 Things to Get Excited About In 2018: Out with the old and in with the new. Though the expression has been heard before, it’s a timeless statement to apply to life. Especially when you arrive at the conclusion that there is a need for change. Change occurs when we make any alterations to what currently exist. That change can be subtle or dramatic. Those changes can have an impact on eating and dieting habits, life adventures and activities we set out to take part in, and it can also manifest in the measures that we take in simply doing things that make our lives more enjoyable and stress-free. So here are 5 things to get excited about in 2018

Eating Well: When it comes to eating well, the results can be different across the board. It’s important to keep in mind that the things we eat and take into our bodies can greatly affect our health and the way we feel.

Spending more time doing the things we love: This is when you must carve out the time. Doing things, we love to do often takes a back seat to the things we have to do. But if you take a closer look at your schedule, prioritize, close in the gaps and tighten up the schedule, you may find that you do have an hour or two to spare for the things you love to do.  It can create impact your quality of life when you treat yourself to something you love, at least once a week. Better planning may set the tone for this to occur.

Being involved in community activities: When and if you have the time, and depending on how much is already on your plate, there is always a community endeavor underway. Every community has room for improvement. If you are looking for something to do that will be fulfilling to your daily life routine and you want to be more productive in life, explore where your efforts are greatly needed in the community.

Exercise: Coupling your dieting with eating well and exercise produces the best results. Find a regiment that works and stick with it. Solicit the advice from trainers and nutritionist to find the best way to go about achieving desirable results from where you stand in body size, weight and health conditions.

Re-direct Energy: You have found out what works and what doesn’t work. Now it’s time for application. Apply your energy to the things that work and focus on making it better. You are now able to see where time was wasted, energy and emotion was wasted doing things in the past or last year. Cut those things off and take that same energy and put it toward something else that you need to do.

Regardless of what new thing you do this year or whatever you decide not to do anymore, it’s a change to the routine. Sometimes that change is the catalyst for better living. Each day, we should strive to live happier and healthier. Start with one thing at a time so that you are not overwhelmed. There are no losers in this exercise. Pick out one thing you want to do that will increase your chances of overall happiness and go for it. If you are doing everything that you want to do already and are living a fulfilling life, then show someone else how to do it. Help them achieve this kind of satisfaction in a life well-deserved. Happy New Year.

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Here’s The Best Advice That I Can Give To A New Single Mom: It’s Not Going To Be Easy, But It Doesn’t Have To Be Hard

Mommy-hood sprung on you like flowers in the springtime, after the stork dropped a bundle of joy at your door and forgot to leave the dad. Devastating, but not the end of the world.

Here’s what you should know: Being single is not a disease. Being a single mom is not a handicap. To find yourself solely responsible for the health and well-being of a child can be overwhelming, and while being a mother is a life sentence, being a single mom is not a death sentence.

ON LIFE:

There was a time long ago, when it seemed like single moms and women who had children were looked over in the dating and work stream because they were perceived as having too much baggage. Today, they are an asset. Not just as potential wives and life-partners, but as business partners and leaders. They have overcome some of life’s greatest challenges, demonstrating their relentlessness and resilience.

Single moms are proving more and more that they can run lucrative businesses from home and be as productive , working from home as someone on a 9-5. Moms and single mothers are the go to, when looking for the best deals and the latest products to hit the market. For that, they contribute to a substantial portion of brand awarene… being targeted by some of the world’s most notorious companies, who seek to reach moms. Know this: You are useful. You are resourceful. You are valuable.

ON BEING SINGLE:

Being a Single Mom is not what we strive to be. But hey, let’s face it. For some of us, our affirmation is, “I woke up like this” -Niedria

You don’t have to do it alone: This is our biggest fear. The fear of being alone in the process of raising healthy children. The fear of having no one around when we need assistance and guidance, advice, counsel and wisdom.

Utilize your immediate network of family, your friends and organizations My mother was and still is my strongest ally. When you access your immediate network, you remain in a constant state of motivation.

Extended Support: Take advantage of the extended support (available through church or community activities) and opportunities to become involved with people who will assist you in finding programs that provide resources. Even if it’s temporary assistance, don’t be afraid to use it so that you can position yourself to win.

Access local resources: Many libraries list groups where you can meet and have discussions with other moms. Attend seminars, where you can get connected with local moms, parenting groups and others alike.

Everything takes time: Trust the process. This is something that I not only tell you, but it’s something I remind myself of everyday. If you need to tell yourself, over and over, to remind yourself that it’s a process, then do it. Try not to become bogged down in the desire to achieve immediate results. That’s something that I am guilty of. Stand back and look at the whole picture, even when you feel like time is running out. Have a Plan A, B and C, but don’t spread yourself too thin. Give the appropriate amount of time and attention to each plan as you go.

ON BEING MOM: I adopted a “Mother First” mantra. Before I considered anything, I chose to take in account how it would serve my child as well. This boiled down to lifestyle choices. We all live very different lives, in which we must tailor our decis…

GET ORGANIZED: This entails making lists, setting reminders, scheduling things in advance, making appointments for the future. Use a filing system, a planner or a white board to write down important dates to remember.

Focus and Prioritize: Sharply define your center point. (Where am I now?) Start there. Then readjust where needed, for clarity of what’s most important, to properly file and address things accordingly in life.

Plan Ahead For Urgent Situations: Create an emergency list of family and friends, as well as useful numbers for emergency personnel. Place the list in an area where it can be accessed.

Preparation: Making use of free time to prepare for your day. Such as: packing items you may need before leaving home, like for a day at the park, zoo, mall, movies or anywhere else.

ON DATING:

You don’t have to tell everyone that you are single: You don’t have to take every phone number that’s offered and you certainly shouldn’t give yours out to everyone. You’d want to practice discretion in dating and be mindful of the company you keep.

You don’t have to answer all the questions as to why you’re still single: When do you plan on getting married? Don’t feel pressured. Once again, being a single mom is not synonymous with desperate. Take your time choosing a partner. Do not rush to settle. If you have learned anything from the stork who left the bundle at the door, it’s to not open the door for just anyone.

ON LOVE: Single moms have demonstrated what they can bring to the table in providing nourishm… To the mature and distinguished man, these moms are attractive, in that they are independent, responsible, successful and sexy, at the same damn time.

When and if you do find someone, you will wonder when the right time to introduce significant other to your child. This is something that only you can gauge. It’s O.K. to seek advice from close friends who truly have your best interest at heart. Sometimes it’s good to consult with friends. Just be sure that you have overcome all your objectives in the relationship, as to what you want to bring around your child. A general rule of thumb, if you can’t bring him home, leave him alone.

http://redtri.com/best-advice-to-a-newly-single-mom/

Dad, Are You and My Mom Going to Get Married Again? A Child’s Plea To Do Things Together With His Parents

Dad, are you and my mom going to get married again? A child’s plea to do things together with his parents

I can tell you off the top that I do not have the solution for this. My question to everyone else is, how do you address these questions? I was not prepared and I don’t know how to get prepared. I was prepared for all the other questions that I knew he would ask someday and I think I knocked those out of the park.

Kid, Children, Baby, Kiddie, Summer, Join, Barn, Dirty

As I’m about to drive away, after I had just picked up my son for the weekend, I was excited about the time we were about to have. I looked back and noticed that he was getting teary eyed, and his face was that of one holding back the tears. Confused, I told him that is was perfectly OK if he wanted to roll the window down to say bye to his dad.  

“Why are you sad?” I asked. “Because my dad looks sad. I want my dad to come too. I want to be with both of y’all at the same time.” he responded. My son had expressed this on several occasions before, when he asked me if I could come with him to his dad’s house. He’s cried several times upon being dropped back off at his dad’s house, because he wanted me to come too.

basket, blur, boy

Deep Breath** He took me up on my offer to roll the window down to say good-bye to his dad. However, he didn’t just say good-bye. He asked, “Dad, can you and my mom get married again because I want to be with both of yall?” My head fell… Not sure what his dad said. I began to back away.

Only recently, had my son began to ask me about us getting married again. Almost as if he’d been searching for a resolution and rested on this being the only answer to how we can all be together.

Never did I think he’d ask his dad or me, right there in the presence of one another, if we would get married again so that he can be with both of us, at the same time.

Car, Toy, Childhood, Child, Boy, Fun, Kid, Vehicle

I knew that it would not be much longer before I would have to ditch the kiddy talk and address the conversation head on. But is this considered something age-appropriate to discuss? He’s only 6. Well, he will be 7- years old in December. He’s a pretty quick-witted, smart and intelligent kid. I recognize that he is a lot more insightful about what is and has been going on. I knew he’d have questions, but not this one.

I did not think his request would be that his dad re-marries his mom. (Internal thoughts: Does he see this as the only possibility for us to do things together? Poor baby, this is his perception) Perhaps he doesn’t know that we can do things together and we don’t have to be married? But how can I drive that point, when we haven’t made it happen? (More internal thoughts) Do I just say to him that we are waiting on his dad to be comfortable with having me in the same room with his girlfriend? No, I can’t say that. Do I say that mommy has been trying to do this for years, but dad is afraid to bring us all together, for some reason? Nope, I definitely can’t say that. I cannot tell my son that it’s his dad that is standing in the way of this happening.

Doll, Clown, Sad, Bank, Sit, Colorful, Sweet, Funny

As I am driving away, looking at my sons’ face, I felt awful! “Your dad can come if he wants to.” I said. Besides, we were just headed for a quick bite to eat at that moment. I stopped when I got to the corner. I asked, “What do you want me to do? Should I invite dad to lunch with us?” He said, “Yes.” My son told me that I would have to be the one to ask, because dad would listen to me. (My inside jokester said, oh boy… you have no idea… no he won’t) But, I escaped from that being my response and I just did the dirty work.

Dialing*** He answered the phone, “What’s up, what do you need?” to which I replied, “Hi. Deon wants to know if you would like to grab lunch with us.” He explained that he had some other appointments and things he needed to do. He thanked me for the invite and that was it. I hung up the phone and my son asked, “Does he really have something to do or is he just saying that?” Geez! I am slapping my forehead at this point. All these questions. LOL.

All I could think to say was, “Well, what would we do with (xyz) dad’s girlfriend? My son responds, “IonKno” followed by a, ‘least of my concern, shoulder Scruggs and facial expression’. I thought that if I threw her into the mix, (reminding my son that xyz may get hurt and he shouldn’t want to hurt her because he already told me he likes her) that my son would consider the fact that his dad has a girlfriend that we all like. (Internal thought: My son told me one day that he was afraid to tell me that he liked xyz, because he did not want to hurt my feelings. Little did he know, but I assured him, this was music to my ears because it was all I was worried about) Man, I wish they knew how much this meant to him.

Little Boy, Child, Son, Play, Outdoors, Toys, Cars

But then I thought that if I used her, it would make it seem as if there was a possibility of his dad and I being together if xyz didn’t exist. And that’s not the case, so I tried to fix it. So, I asked, “Well what will mommy do with her fiancé?” Oops… had to take that back too, because again it sounds like if mommy was not in a relationship, that there was a possibility. Altogether, I didn’t want my son to become hopeful about there ever being a possibility. (Because doesn’t he need to know that there’s no possibility?) Or do I just address and work on the problem that he is having, which is trying to get us in the same room to do things together? Because if I fix that, wouldn’t he stop asking us to get remarried? – Stop me when I start over-thinking this!

Image result for BLENDED FAMILY

I didn’t want my son to think that the reason that his dad and I were not together, was due to us being committed to other people. Because that’s not the reason. And for all I know, if he thought this, he could begin to resent our partners if he thought they were the reasons for his biological parents not being together. (Furthermore, he doesn’t need to know the real reason we are not together, right?)

Bottom line is this. I want my son to know that his dad and I do not have to be married for us all to do things together. But I am not able to show him this, as I am restricted. I want him to know that we can do things together with both individuals that we are involved with. I want him to know this so that he can abandon the idea of us ever getting married again, with ease.

Image result for KIMORA RUSSELL BLENDED FAMILY

I’d be remiss not to say that I notice when my son is happiest and it’s when he sees that his dad and I are in one place at one time, with him. Such as during his Baseball games. I want my son to be happy. With that in mind, there’s always a thought in my head about when the time will come that everyone will be able to blend.

I want my child’s underlying request to be granted, which is for us to have a cohesive relationship where we can have positive interactions as parents, in the presence of my son. I want to blend our families and have the luxury of them joining us for dinner or lunch, so that my son can know and feel that we are all part of one team. 

5 Ways My Life Has Changed, Since My Son Has Been Living With His Dad: The Pros And The Cons

  1. My schedule is random unless my is visiting on the weekend. When he’s home with me, I provide the stability and the structure as well as discipline that he needs, by following a schedule to keep him on track with bed time, dinner, breakfast, play time, reading etc. It was a schedule that I implemented for him long before he was living with his dad. Now that he’s gone, I sleep in, I eat out, I cook less, and I eat whenever and whatever I want. I take longer naps, make runs to the store at any time throughout the day, no matter how late. I can travel more if I’d like to and not worrying about who would take him to school and pick him up, or even the fact that he would have to miss school. I can take last minute media assignments, make last minute plans, and spare of the moment trips out of town/ in town or even out of the country. Overall, I have free time to pursue many endeavors.
  2. Anxiety: For a while, I had my anxiety under control. I did not experience anxiety on this level at all, prior to having a child. It was not until my child was taken from me, over an accusation, proven to be false; which left me in such a helpless and anxious place. It was because I could not help my child. I could not do anything to give him what he asked for, which was to stay with me. That is when I began to experience anxiety again. The decision on who he would live with, did not rest in my authority. It was not in my hands and no one asked my son where he wanted to be. The reason the anxiety heightened and escalated to the place where I am today, is because over the last 4-years, I became aware of things that were taking place, when my son was not in my care and after hearing so many things, it caused my anxieties to soar through the roof. While most of this, is a thing of the past, it was traumatic for me, and I still live with it, constantly finding ways to cope; reposing in the assurance that everything happens for a reason, and I have seen some of the advantages and blessings come out of it all.

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.” ― Mother Teresa

  1. Parks will never be the same: One of my son and I favorite pastime was to go to the park. We discovered just about every park there was, in the city. We settled on two, to call own, which were closest to the house. I spent many flex-days there with him and while he would play, I caught a spot under the tree. Today, it’s hard to drive by those parks. It’s hard to sit in those parks, work out, run around or walk around those trails. It’s a real challenge to be there, if other children are there. I have been in a place, where I couldn’t watch the other kids play, without breaking down. Though I am getting better with regards to seeing other children, I have yet to overcome the anxieties of going to those parks without my Bambino. When I do have him, we still make the most of our time. I found another park to create memories at, until the time comes…
  2. Insomnia: In other words, I cannot sleep at night…. Literally. (due to the anxiety) At times, I have been up 48 hours straight. That had a lot to do with the anxieties as well. Constantly worrying about where my kid was, who he was with and if he was OK. I had been fed some things by the Amicus on our case, in which she thought to be disturbing. Naturally, it disturbed me at that point as well. For 4 years of constantly hearing more and more, I was finding that my nights were getting longer and longer. Time passed like molasses. I would lay down with every intention of sleeping, but couldn’t make it happen. Still, to this very day, I have nightmares, terrible dreams that wake me from my sleep, where I fall to the floor and pray that my child is OK. He may be doing terrific! And that’s what I hope, but until I can get over the thought of anything happening to him, I will be woke.
  1. I have more Me Time: Me time has showed to be my best friend. It’s A time to get back to me, and focus on improvement. There’s always room for improvement, right? And since I do have severe anxiety and insomnia, it gives me the opportunity to work on getting myself back to a place, where I am rested, refreshed and refined. It allows me the time I need to “talk” about why I can sleep, why I have so much anxiety, why I stopped traveling as much, why I don’t leave the house as much, why I can’t sit in the park and watch other children play, or why I cannot do anything about what has transpired, but that I can find ways to cope with it. Me Time, gives me the space and time I need to do my make up again, do my hair again, celebrate myself again, in all that I do. Me Time helps me get back to the business of this empire and to pamper myself, heart, mind, body and soul. Me Time has encouraged me to get out of the house and to get active in the world again.

Article Originally posted Here, On Working Mother