How Important is it to have a supportive partner and to be one yourself?

How Important is it to have a supportive partner and to be one yourself?

Having been in a relationship where I had the support of a significant other and having been in another one where I did not; I can say that for me at least, there was a significant difference in the dynamics of the relationship.

In my opinion, when partners support one another in their quest, feats, ventures… they develop a connection unlike one where being uninvolved brings distance and gaps in communication. A relationship where there is support for one another creates a unique sense of bonding.

I don’t think the fact that someone wants a supportive partner means they are being co-dependent and are not self-motivated; but rather being further driven by the presence of someone who supports what they do and someone who shows that they are playing for the same team.

Being supportive can come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. A partner can be involved in the projects that their partner is participating in, to increase visibility of their brand, promote awareness of the brand and/or taking a hands-on approach in the grassroots production of the project/product or service being offered.

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If you watched the movie Brown Sugar, where the relationship between Sidney and Kelby……… played by Sanai Lathan and Boris Kodjo; do you remember the scene where she was sitting in the bleachers at one of his practice games? He couldn’t tell her anything about any articles she’d written, when asked; yet she was all in with what he was doing. It was a pivotal moment in their relationship-at least from the angle of the camera and the beat that was placed in that scene. And likewise, how Nicole Arie Parkers’ character did NOT support her fiancé, played by Taye Diggs. The two people who supported one another the most, loved and understood… are the two that ended up together in the end.

Remember the Movie, How Stella Got Her Groove Back, with Stella and Winston……. Played by Angela Bassett and Taye Diggs. Remember the scene where it was made known to the audience that he’d spent hours upon hours bringing her shop/hobby back to life after he saw that she had a passion that laid dormant.

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And then, let’s take some real-life examples: Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith, Magic and Cookie Johnson, Boris Kodjo and Nicole Arie Parker, Dwayne and Gabrielle Union-Wade, Ciara and Russel Wilson, Alicia Keys and Swiss Beats, Marjorie and Steve Harvey. Just to name a few. Hell, I didn’t know about some of the side ventures, such as Nicole Arie Parker’s sweat bands being sold in Target, until I saw it posted on her husband’s Instagram page. I didn’t know about Jada Pinkett Smith newest Facebook TV Show, until Will Smith posted it on his social media.

Don’t be afraid of seeing your partner, thrive, soar, succeed and be great. Get behind them and continue to motivate them. Especially when that is all that’s required. Sometimes they just need to know that their biggest fan is the one they are sharing their heart and word with.

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Are you the type of partner who knows everything about what your significant other is involved in, who effortlessly allocates time toward supporting them in the simplest ways as making a social media post to tell them how proud you are of them or to inform others to help spread the word about what you are most excited about in your partners venture? Are you the type who will run a few errands to ease the load and assist in meeting production deadlines of a project they are working on? Do you collaborate with your partner on ventures, so that they two of you can maximize time together while showing your support of what they are involved in?

Or, are you the partner, whom when asked about what your significant other does or what kind of business they have; you are at a lost for words yourself because you have no clue- you’ve never asked, you’re never involved, you’ve never purchased their product for you or anyone else, you’ve never told anyone else about the product. That’s exemplary of someone who’s not supportive.

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Talk to your partner about your visions, your goals. Be open to criticism and constructive criticisms if they bring to the table a source of business knowledge that you have not been privy to. Be open to innovative ideas that would make it work. Share ideas and creative points on what you want to do and what you want to see. Write down the plan for them if you must and commit yourself to a time to meet again to go over it together to explain and make clear the mission and vision, so that they are able to see where they can fit in and perhaps fill in the missing pieces.

Sharing the passion in the purpose with your partner, lessens the amount of stress. It builds another highway in the relationship to a higher level of elevation. And maybe it’s just another kind of love altogether that I personally feel that you will experience, when you have shared a dream with your partner or have helped or have had the help and support from someone in this way. It’s sexy!

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The Rules Book and Regulations on Changing your life

In a previous article, we talked about setting the tone and stage for your new year, new performance and all that it would require. We talked about how you want to present and represent yourself on your red carpet. Here’s something else you need to consider…

Like the Dr. might say, just before they prick you, “This might sting a little, but it’s not going to kill you.” I just want you to know that sometimes the truth hurts, but never should it kill you. Sometimes the truth is the antidote to the poisonous lies you’ve told yourself and that you have believed, which may have kept you from making a remarkable difference, by making a remarkable change in your life. The antidote can save you from yourself and from others. Read the following rules with an open mind:

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You don’t need anyone’s approval to change your life.  This is one thing that people around you as well as the voice in your head will steer you to believe, is that you need an approval to change. They will have you believing that you are not supposed to change without their consent. You, in turn process that and tell yourself the same when you ask yourself if you will continue to be accepted, if you make a change. When you really should be telling yourself that you don’t care about being accepted, and that you are ok with someone not being ok with it, because the point of the change is to move away from the condition that the state of your life is in.

You will have to walk away from some things that tie you to the past: This includes old habits or things such as bad energy and your obsession with clearing up incorrect information which may have been shared about you, which has you up in arms. In your change, your attitude will shine through and those who will matter will recognize. You’d have to travel too far backwards to undo some things that happen and it’s time consuming. It won’t allow you to change. You cannot move forward, with one foot stuck in the past. Things as such, are designed to hold you hostage to your past. This might be love, lost love, infatuation, obsessions, addictions, lost time and reflections of the past, to include emotions. These things and thoughts will not serve you in the change you want to make, if they are apart of the problems you are having with remaining stagnant.

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You will have to walk away from some people that tie you to the past: These are all the people who are just hanging out on the street corners of your life. They have no real meaning, they don’t really care about you. They don’t even care about what may happen to you if you remain in a place that is tearing you down. These are the enablers, the ones who the sole suppliers of the mess that you have been trying to get out of, Beit: sex, drugs, alcohol, emotional turmoil, and instability in a relationship. They have been leading you along or dragging you along because it was easy for them to do. They will never be the ones who will tell you to get your life together, because they enjoy too much of the convenience that you provide them, by not having your shit together.

You will have to walk away form old ways that tie you to the past: This includes your attitude toward things, your inability to compromise when needed and your inability to understand because you talk too much. This includes how fast you would have closed the door on a conversation without allowing someone to share their view, because it was your way or the highway. Old ways also include your promiscuity, your lust for random sexual desires outside of a marriage or committed and monogamous relationship. In doing this, you absolutely must remember rule number 1! You do not need approval to do this. If you wake up and decide that you no longer want to be someone’s weekend, weekend lover, side chic, Netflix and chill chic, or Saturday lover, that’s your prerogative. Fans don’t spin without an energy source, so stop feeding it the energy. You can decide at any point during the year, day, month to change or stop anything you are doing, and it doesn’t require a permission slip. So, what if they call you names? It’s not what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

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You will have to walk away from some places that tie you to the past: This might include nightclubs, strip-joints, bars and beds that you have found yourself in after a long night of drinking etc. You must abandon those places or abandon your idea of changing. Our environment has a lot to do with what we end up doing. I thought I wanted to be a bartender at a strip club at one point in my life, because I thought I could make a lot of money. It took a real gentleman to tell me that this is probably how all the girls started out. But that strip clubs are a breeding ground for money, drugs and sex. He said you may go there to be a bartender, but before long, you will come out a stripper. I shared that, not to knock anyone’s hustle, but to say that I was personally only interested in being a bartender. So, I had to think about what he was saying. If all the rest is something that I did not want to get caught up in, then the strip club was the wrong place to be. And so I never went.

You must re-write memories for places of the past: (If and only if this applies) … So, you’ve been saying that you can not go back to a certain city or place, event in which you went with someone from the past. You have built up a mental block for that time and place, in which you have filed it away under their name. It brings back too many memories. Those memories are attached to too much pain. But you love that place. It is possible to rewrite, just like you can rewrite a disc or a tape cassette and even a digital recorder. You must record new memories over that track if you want to hear a different song. If you want to hear different music, write another melody.

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You cannot take non-believers with you: These are the people who want to get on the bus with a few other people who will sit close up, but will be gossiping about you the whole time and secretly hoping for your fail, fall and or stumble. They are waiting, just to say, “I told you so” They are also there to tempt you because they don’t believe you have changed or could change. They need you to be the same person for them, so they are there to constantly remind you of your past and to keep you tied to your past. They can not stomach that you could have possibly been able to move on without them or to move on and change your life not giving attention to the things you used to do in your past.

Changing your life may be the one thing that you have total control over. Use that power and control wisely. You must do better, if you want to be better. You have must be better if you want to feel better. Later for all that stuff about being the change you want to be in the world. How about we start with being the change we want to be in our lives.  You have to say this to your old life: “What I am saying is, the way my new me and new life is set up…. It does not include you.”

How To Remain Busy In Between Social Seasons

We adore social season! Not just because we get multiple rolling racks of clothes from Designers and Department Stores, tags still in-tact, with recommendations about what to wear to each event and which pair of shoes will go better with the selection of accessories which were also sent over to compliment the wardrobe. Not even because we are gifted the items we choose to wear from the selection that’s sent to us, along with a few others, out of the store’s generosity and compliments of the designer. But because it’s our time to have an enjoyable time.

Woman At Shoe Store

Social Season is to Socialites, what going out every Friday is for everyone else. Because they don’t go out every night, they look forward to these few months to have a drink with friends and meet new friends, while convening for a cause. They sanction the time for being able to socialize with like-minded individuals who have joined the circle and are committed to the mission and vision of awareness campaigns, fundraising events and philanthropic endeavors which they are involved in.

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When those months are over, they retreat to their home. Some run small businesses from the home and others have blogs that they tend to, while others still lead non-profit organizations on into the next social season. For some, they have small shops and boutiques which call for their attention to booking and crunching numbers when there is no assistant, or because they just rather be the closest person to their numbers. Believe it or not, some have absolutely nothing to do but twiddle their fingers.

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I have made a few recommendations below on what you can do during this brief period between social seasons.

Take A Trip: This is probably when travel arrangements are made anyway. Though you may have been just about everywhere you want to go, go again. I am sure there was land untapped and untrodden territory in which you were not able to get to on the last trip. Find a new place to go, somewhere you would have never thought of. Explore the ins and outs of the city in a taxi or on a train. Experience the culture in those cities rather than just the shopping options. Broaden your horizon. You’ll have something to talk about with your new and old friends when the season rolls back around.

Attend a Seminar or take up a class: Education provides an ever-flowing stream of knowledge and no matter how smart you think you are, there is something that you do not know. There is something else to learn. Find a class or seminar that speaks to the ideas you have about creating a more successful fundraising event. Attend a class online for a license or accreditation or certification that pairs with your line of business or a business you would like to open. Share these pearls with your friends or your partner.

Read A Book: Books contain many keys to success. You may find exactly what you are looking for in a book, from an adventure through the visuals to ways to unlock doors in your life which lead to something more fulfilling. Books have been described as the next best thing to traveling. If you don’t want to read a book or have read all the books that you are interested in reading, perhaps you can write one. If you are not into book writing, you can solicit the help of a ghost writer who will be able to take your story and put it into publication.

Learn a new craft: New craft can sound very boring, but that’s because we don’t give full thought to what crafts may include. It’s not just about sewing and knitting, crocheting and making curtains. Crafts can include so much more, such as: You can learn to make wine, cheese, candles, pottery, glass and jewelry. I can guarantee this will be an interesting topic for discussion at your next event and you can also use some of these items as party favors, giveaways and silent auction items.

Spend time with your children: We all know that social season can be demanding of your time, no matter how much fun you end up having when the party comes together. And knowing that, means knowing that you end up spreading yourself thin. Take this down time to spend more time with the children. Give the nanny the day/week/month off. Give the chef the day off and get in the kitchen with the little ones to bake cookies together. Cook dinner for the family. Take a cooking class together. Take your teenager to the movies, or spend time in your home with them watching Netflix. Bond with them (or at least try to) we know how teenagers can be.

Learn an unfamiliar dance: You can use this time to take up a dance class, learn to salsa, tango, belly dance, waltz, jive, ball room dance, hustle, flamenco, samba, mamba, lambada, quick step, east coast swing, swing and tap. This will prepare you for the next social season as well, when there is a theme involved.

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Other things you can do in the meantime:

Take up photography. Take up an acting class, yoga or Pilates. Use this time to work out, get in shape or stay in shape for the next social season. Explore Bike-riding, spinning class, hiking trails.

Use this time to build better relationships with those new friends you met at the last event. Use this time to get together with new and old friends to work on a project. Schedule a spa date to make it more fun. Plan a Women’s day outing. Take a girls-trip.

Work on something around the house, such as clearing the closet getting rid of items no longer needed, schedule for the salvation army to pick it up items you would like to give away. Rearrange furniture, making for a more inviting space. Decorate the house, adding accents to compliment the new season.

This list can go on and on. There are many things you can do to pass the time between social seasons, in which you can have a wonderful time doing. You must dust off the old thinking cap and get to it.

How Your Unsolicited Public Relations Role Can Have Negative Impact In Your Child’s Life

My son will be turning 7-years old in December. I am guilty of looking at him sometimes and only seeing my precious little toddler who needs his mother to hold his hand in everything he does. I cringe when he swings too high on the swing set, for fear of him falling. My heart beats a bit faster when he charges across the Monkey Bars, what if he misses a step? What if he scrapes his knee? What if he bumps his head? What if he knocks his teeth out? In the past I have been known to run to him, attempting to prevent the inevitable. Sometimes I’d run when there was no possibility of an accident, because I could always ‘imagine’ a possibility. Think about the term imagine for a moment, I will come back to that.

My beautiful baby boy is growing up. He does not need me to step in and catch him from falling on the playground turf made of rubber mulch.

What am I teaching the other kids about my child when I do this? I am teaching them that my son is dependent on me. What I am doing can quite possibly in his eyes be interpreted as showing all his peers that he needs his mommy, he can’t do it without his mommy, he needs mom to hold his hand, he’s incapable of doing this and he will likely fall because he’s not skilled.

He then appears disabled or even crippled and somewhat impaired. When the truth is, he crosses the monkey bars better than I do. He has more energy and resilience than I do. He’s a beast on the obstacle course. No one gets to see this if I am there showing/telling/suggesting to people that he needs me to do it. I also steal away the moment for myself to see what he’s capable of doing, so long as I am standing in his way.

When I watched my son take on the monkey bars one day I was in total and complete awe! I didn’t even know he could. I was happy to have caught it all on a video. More so, I was proud that he was not only great at it, but that he was showing the other kids how to do it.

If you are standing too close to your child and watching their every move, you won’t know what they can do. Even if you have doubt, you don’t have to tell the entire world. Because when you do, you shape and mold the perception that everyone begins to have about your child. And then you end up putting something in their lap to overcome or prove, which they didn’t ask for.

For Example: What if I am out there on the playground watching my son while having small talk with the other parents and I am saying things like, “Oh my child is so clumsy… Oh I must watch him, He’s a dare devil. I have to keep my eyes on him, because he might fall.” Do you see how that translates into a perception that someone may gather about my child? It would speak volumes about my lack of confidence in my son.

There have been times where my child has missed the step while I was standing back, after-which I watched him get up and continue as if nothing ever happened. But when he notices that I see him and that I am hurt or uneasy- it affects him. He is hesitant to try new things or to be as daring- because he’s worried about me. So, I am inadvertently teaching him not to be a risk taker and I am showing him that I don’t believe in him. I think he will get hurt. I think he can’t do it. I am lessening his self-confidence. I watched him take off on a scooter one day and because it was a wobbly start, I panicked and screamed, “jump off, get off, let it go.” He let it go alright. And he fell on the ground only because I caused him to panic, when all the while he had it. He refused to get back on. So, all his courage to give this scooter a try and to keep holding onto it even while it was wobbly, I had completely crushed. Lesson: Have a little faith in your children. Or at least, have the faith in them that they will do it, like you have faith in all the people you talk to about your child when you think telling them something about your child will be safe with them and that they possess a skill to help your child. Have that same faith and trust in your child.

In the same Breath: It thinks it’s fair to say that by nature, moms will always possess the innate desire to think, speak and act on behalf of our children when it comes to protecting them But it can go left if we don’t stop and think it through

Parents: As parents we sometimes take it upon ourselves to not only speak on behalf of our children, but we speak about our children. We don’t realize that we should be mindful about the energy we are entertaining. We need to be mindful of what we are putting into the atmosphere about our children.

(Adult Children/Parents) Sometimes parents without all intentional purpose of putting their child in a bad light, take on the role of Public Relations without note given to whom they are sharing intimate details, private affairs and personal information about their child. At the same time, because they feel comfortable with the people they are sharing the what’s-what with, they speak very passively about their children. For example: The parents friend may ask, “So what’s Amanda up to these days?” The parent may reply, “Same old Same old, she’s going to get it together soon” following with a smirk, a laugh, maybe even a shake of the head. Seems innocent, right? Especially since they are speaking to a friend and they didn’t exactly dog the child out. And while saying “they will get it together soon” could mean that you’re hopeful and that you are co-signing the fact that they are moving in the right direction, you are also implying that they “don’t have it together.”

So now, your child’s reputation precedes them before they have an opportunity to carve out one of their own. They are viewed as the child who doesn’t have it together.

I know parents who’s children are having a hard time, but you still won’t hear that parent saying anything negative about them or in any way putting them in a bad light regarding the way people see them. It clearly shows that you can keep your child lifted in the eyes of others until your child “gets it together” so that in the process their reputation is not tarnished. And so that in the meantime, people aren’t discounting their abilities or reducing them to the child that doesn’t have it together. This way, when they do get it together they have a fair attempt at doing something right. They have a vote of confidence from their peers.

However, when they walk around feeling plagued by an impression that their own parent has shaped for them, they feel hopeless and giving up seems easier because no one can unhear all the things that they have “heard” from the parent, since people view a parent’s opinion of their child as law. IE: If their own mother said it, it must be true.

Furthermore: It’s even more damaging when the parent speaks off assumptions. Meaning the information is not even true-or it’s information created by the parents who are entertaining their own thoughts. “Imagine” Because parents always imagine the possibilities.

When you assume that the child must be hurt from the fall they took earlier, because they are walking slow- you call 911, create a scene, the paramedic arrives only to determine that the child was just dehydrated, and it had nothing to do with a fall. Something you could have determined before creating a scene if you bothered to ask or even notice that the child hasn’t had anything to drink or eat all day.

Parents sometimes speak about problems that don’t exist. In turn it creates one more issue for the child. Overall what ends up happening is the child is walking around not even knowing what has been said about them. People will move a certain way, based on the information that they have. All the while, the child knows nothing.

There is a scientific notion: Formally stated, Newton’s third law is: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. The statement means that in every interaction, there is a pair of forces acting on the two interacting objects. The size of the forces on the first object equals the size of the force on the second object.

Picture this: You walk into a room very excited and you can’t wait to see everyone. You have eaten a great breakfast and last night you had the time of your life. Once you get into the room, you’re being the social butterfly that you’ve always been, and you make your way around the room to hug everyone and share your contagious smile. However, people are giving you half hugs and side eyes and you soon realize that they are also whispering something about you.

You cannot tell me that this would not influence how you then react. Suddenly your fun-loving spirit withdraws, you are deflated, and you begin to wonder what the hell so going on. In some cases, no one in the room will believe that your smile is real, due to the information that they have about you. In some cases, no one on the room will want to be around you because of the information they have. And because they haven’t had the opportunity to get to know this child outside of what they have been told, that’s the authentic impression that they have. So, they are looking for that type of behavior and when they don’t see it- they don’t end up saying, “oh momma must have lied- this child is awesome.” Instead, they say, this child must be putting on a show.

Last Thing:I have a home girl who had her adult daughter living with her while she was transitioning from job to job, finding her place in the workforce. My homegirls’ daughter stayed with her for about 7 years. All I knew at the time was that her 29-year old daughter was living with her. I never knew the girl was unemployed and I never knew she was struggling to find a job. While I could assume, those assumptions were never confirmed from her mother. That’s because her mother was careful about the information she shared about her daughter. She was mindful about the impression she would give anyone about her adult daughter living with her.

When her child did find a job, it was an awesome job. The best part about it is that I didn’t look at the situation as, wow you got a job? (as if you were incapable of working or finding a job or being worthy of anyone hiring you) My understanding of who her daughter was and my perception of her abilities and quantities were never warped by anything her mom said. My perception of her was that she was always capable of securing such an awesome job, because her Mother never made her feel like she was less than what she was.

In my opinion and experience with this close friend, she never shared with the world the information that she had pieced together from possibilities in her own mind that came to exist about what her daughter could have, may have been thinking or going through and she never tainted it with her own diagnosis.

I have had to put many things into perspective about the details of my child’s life that I too, have shared.While I think it’s my story because I am witnessing it along with him, I have been unintentionally reckless about how it may be viewed later in his life. So, I get it. And once you know better, you do better. I have learned to stand on the sidelines while my son is at play. When and if he falls, he will let me know if it’s bad enough. That’s when the momma-bear comes out. Other than that, he got this!

Article Originally published on Mom Bloggers Club

Why You Should Get Out Of Your Own Way And Seize The Opportunity

Have you ever stood with your back against a mirror, while holding a small handheld mirror, attempting to see the back of your head? Have you noticed that when the mirror is directly in front of your face, you are not able to see the back of your head? That’s because you are standing in your own way.

When my sister received an email from the Varsity Cheer Coach, with a request for her daughter to join the Varsity Cheer Team, she didn’t respond in haste. She expressed her excitement and stated that she would talk it over with her daughter first.

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My niece was hesitant about going to the Varsity Cheer Team at her new High School. It was because she somewhat felt that she would be separated from her classmates, whom are on the Jr. Varsity Team. It was understandable that she experienced these feelings, being a freshman and having spent her whole life as a cheerleader, with those who were entering high school with her. I could only imagine how scary it must have been to make such a decision, at the start of her Freshman year.

My sister wanted this for her daughter. She thought of it as we all did; a wonderful opportunity. Obviously, we were all overjoyed to hear the good news about Hailey receiving an offer to practice with the Varsity Team, as a Freshman. I am sure that it was equally rewarding for my sister to hear, as well to know that after long hours of practice, day after day, year after year, cheer competitions and national championships, that all her work as well; being a devoted and supportive mother, was paying off.

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What we did not think about initially, was that Hailey may not have seen it with the lens that we saw it with. Hailey could have been looking directly into the mirror and was content with being right there in that moment with the mirror on her face, having her friends whom she’d bonded with over the years. She expressed that she did not want to split from her cheer team. I admired the fact that my oldest sister allowed her daughter to make the ultimate decision on what she wanted to do.

However, after hearing her daughters reasoning as to why she was reluctant to join the J.V. Team and having the vested interest that she has in her daughter success, she reached out to family. I was most concern about the real reason potentially being that she was deciding to stay where she was, because of insecurities about how she would perform. Was she afraid to step into her greatness? If you think about it, entering high school as a Varsity player, is A BIG DEAL. If you only think that you are good at what you do, hearing that you are phenomenal can be a lot of pressure.

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I think its important that we try to understand where our children are coming from. Once we realize that its really fear that’s holding them back, we must then help them overcome their fears and anxieties. When that’s addressed, we can better explain the benefits and opportunities but at the same time, still allow them to live in their youth and enjoy it in the way that serves them most.

I could only tell Hailey what I knew. Which was that I missed a few opportunities in life, due to the fear of stepping into my greatness. I knew what it was like to rest in the comfort of being good, without the expectation of being great. I knew what it was like to remain in a place where everything around me was familiar and safe.

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I also knew what it was like to wait on people. Sometimes we void opportunities to succeed or even do things we want to do, because we are waiting for someone else to do it with us.

We must realize that all things don’t happen all at once. When our opportunity comes knocking, it may not be the same time that it comes for our friends. We cannot ignore the sound, by staying on the other side of the door with those who did not get the opportunity. Their time will come. If you miss your opportunity for this reason, who knows…it could be offered to the very people who you stayed behind for.

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This was something else that I knew way too much about, having done that as well. Waiting on what I thought was the right time, the right person, never admitting to myself that the real reason was fear of doing it alone- for whatever the reason was. Therefore, I also knew what it was like to look back and say that I wish I did something differently.

A lot of times we don’t see the things we want to see, do the things we want to do, go to the places we would like to go; because we are standing in our own way. When you tilt the mirror, turn your head and maneuver the mirror as well as your body, you will see the image.

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In life, if we want to see what is there, it may take stepping out of our comfort zones and adjusting our position with the mirror. If you have a mirror to your face, all you see is you. If you want to see more, you might have to change the way that you are holding the mirror.

At the end of the day, you don’t want to look back and see a bunch of missed opportunities. Get out of your own way, and take advantage of the opportunities to meet new people, discover new and fresh perspectives. It could be the gateway to opening many more doors in your life. When I tilted the mirror one day, and got a glimpse… I tasted the fruit of fearlessness. I am proud of my niece for doing the same.

Article Originally Published On Working Mother Blogs, Super Single Mom

Featured Photo Courtesy: Pixabay.com
ABOUT THE WRITER


NIEDRIA KENNY
Super Single Mom

Mother to the little Prince Cornelius! Passionate mom and parenting enthusiasts. Travel Raider, Influential Scribbler and Mom Ambassador. All things Peter Pan! Because I don’t want to grow up. 7X Published Author and Avid researcher. In my previous life, I was a Realtor and Prop Mngr- Writing is my first language!

When The Ride of Your Life Drops You off Without Notice

Sometimes life happens when we’re not paying attention, and we’re caught off guard tending to things that weren’t exactly on our schedule.

It is because every day can be another ride on another roller coaster, at another themed attraction in life; that even when we are giving life our undivided attention, the turns of the ride have been known to suddenly happen without warning. It’s an adrenaline game. This is life’s way of checking your pulse, your impulse, your patience, your vitals. Are you still alive? Of course!

How do you cope? Well, since there’s no way to measure all the things, all the time and there’s no manual on life- you can be as well-organized and put together as you would like to be, and still be caught off guard a time or two. Planning is good, and at best it works. Having a schedule and making lists, checking off things to do, has been the golden rule, implemented and executed in a lot of homes and offices across the world.

width=300But does it always work? No. So, what do you do? You brace yourself and expect the unexpected. At least, prepare for it, so that you’re not hauling ass at the end of that ride (that day) where you find yourself sprinting down the ramp, away from the roller coaster, falling to the ground and having an anxiety/panic attack, in the middle of your, “Wait What Just Happened” Moment.

When we were planning our life, we thought we had it all figured out. It was one of the most beautiful 5 sentences we could have imagined for ourselves. We were young and we had the answer for adulthood- early 30’s, 40’s and some of us even had a plan for when we traveled over the hill. The American Dream. A home, with a white picket fence, a dog, a loving, kind and faithful husband who we blessed with two amazing kids, who mastered the art of the honor roll and never got into one trouble at school. The kids went off to college on full academic scholarships and are now successful business women and men, respected in the community they serve and are loved everywhere they go. Life was great on paper, wasn’t it!

width=300GOD gave us imaginations so that we could know that anything was possible. He gave us dreams and visions, so that we could see it. But then he gave us reality, so that we could get the big picture.

Somewhere in the middle, we got on the wagon, we got off the wagon, we took one more trip than we planned for, we ate a little more than we should have, we took the wrong way home a few times, we ran into a few people who were no good for us, we tried shortcuts that set us back, we had an extra kid that wasn’t a part of the plan, or we weren’t able to get pregnant at all, unfortunately.

width=300Our once loving husband, (or never a loving husband) or drop dead gorgeous boyfriend and love of our life whom we never married, may have turned abuser or is now somewhere with another family all together and we are raising three kids alone. We completed college, but we’re so engulfed in bills that piled up while we waited for that job, which while in college, promise would be there upon graduation – never came. And when it did, the salary was not what we planned for. It was far less than what we would need just to get by. Or- we got the job, but then some other things happened that we didn’t plan for, all except the promotion that we were banking on, to soak up the mess, never came through. Gap insurance doesn’t have an app for that! We were unemployed for the duration of our unemployment, we took a road that took us on another road, that lead us to a dead end, and then we were lost. Then we found ourselves stuck again. This is the stuff that we never wrote down on that paper. Probably because no one wants to write down failures?

width=300Well, perhaps you shouldn’t look at it like this. In SWOT analysis and other diagrams that present strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats; which allow for you to look at your plan with a realistic eye, helps you with this. That doesn’t suggest that you’re speaking undesirable things into existence by being honest about your threats and weaknesses in a plan. What it does is, forces you to address it early on, so that you can be better prepared in your plan or your approach. It also gives you a formula to continue to use, as your plan updates itself, to comply with the changing world we live in.

You don’t have to throw your plan out the window. You just have to be as aware as you can, about the fact that you may not come right out of college with a job. You may not get the corner office or the executive suite in 2 years. You may not move into your dream home within 6 months. You may not live a life with or without children, and you just may love either.

width=300Your Knight in Shinning Armor may ride up in a delivery truck with the proposal of a lifetime and your well-dressed businessman may never show up at all. Love may find you when you weren’t looking, life may hit you when it does. Know what you want, plan to get it, do what it takes, and leave room for things to shake up a bit every now and then. Because it’s inevitable! Try not to repeat mistakes, learn from experiences, trust your gut, lead with your heart, but use your head!

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The Harsh Reality is, Sometimes You Just Have To Move On. Leaving Behind, The Things That Are Meant To Be Left Behind

To the woman/man who cannot move on from an unhealthy relationship:

Alarm Clock, Coffee Cup, Time Of, Arouse

How long will it take, for you to finally walk away from that emotionally abusive relationship and stop telling yourself that you’re staying for the kids? How long will it take before you scream NO more to the physical abuse and the mental abuse that you claim in the name of generational curses?

How long, before you: Walk Away. Close the door. Stop Chasing. Leave him/her alone. They have shown and proved time and time again that you are not important, they do not love you, he does not want you. She is not interested in a future with you. Stop waiting for signs. There are no more signs. You have received every single sign, that is known to man.

You have exceeded your limit in signs, in that she does not call, he disappears for days, he does not apologize, he continues to hurt you, she continues to dissapoint you, he is unwilling to communicate about anything serious, she does not let you in, he always closes you out. You are a settlement for him. Anytime something that he perceives as better than you, comes along, he will always leave you.

Stop taking him back. Sometimes when the signs stop revealing themselves, it’s because you are beyond the point of a sign. You are headed for the crash. Have you ever seen a sign on a at the bottom of an embankment, after you have fallen off? NO. That’s why you don’t see any signs anymore…. But you know this! Yet, you keep saying, “OK, one more sign then I am done.” Does this sound familiar?

To the Man who won’t let go of an ex-wife:

Divorce, Separation, Marriage Breakup, Split, Argument

How long do you think you can mask the fact that you’re truly unhappy, long as you are still engaging in things that will ultimately affect everything you love and live for? Do you not see how that it has a stronghold over your life?

You have found yourself incapable of living a genuinely happy and healthy life, even though you have all the ingredients; because you can’t let go of the woman who walked out of your life. You can’t let her live her life, without interruption and interference from you- because you can’t stand the sight of her being happy with anyone else or doing anything else that brings happiness to her life.

Yet, you have a woman…you’re in a relationship, you have a phenomenal job, things are going great for you, so the world thinks. And so, you have convinced yourself, that this façade will work for you. When the truth is, behind closed doors, and when your family, friends and girlfriend isn’t looking, you are involved in shenanigans, geared toward bringing pain and suffering to someone else, all because they hurt you several years ago. You are still caught up in the ultimate revenge plot to ruin her life. Stop!

Let her go. Release her. Move on. Give her your blessings. Live your life. Let her be happy. Welcome the new woman and love her to life, giving her everything she deserves, for wanting to love you. Stop self-sabotaging. Stop standing in the way of what your future could have for you. If you continue on holding to a past, by “getting back” at someone, your new relationship will eventually fall apart. She will not stand for it, when she finds out what’s really going on behind her back. If you truly have no concern about the things that your ex is doing, you wouldn’t continue in madness. Show it, by getting off her social media and stop stalking her. Stop looking for ways to ruin her life/career/relationships. Leave her alone, once and for all.

To the woman who won’t let go of her first, who may be the father of her child:

Model, Crying, Woman, Skin, Bra, Lying, Young, Female

How long do you think you can mask your anger toward someone who “left you with a child” after he got the “goodies” long as it’s the same script you keep repeating with him and people that you meet? If that’s your story, fine. But you can always change the end, and in knowing that, you can begin to move away from the part about “what happened.” What you need to realize is, it happened …and now what?

You will never find love, in empty places, or cluttered spaces. You must fill your heart with love, and clean your space of the past and all that has kept you between a rock and a hard place with regards to setting yourself free, from your past. Give yourself back to yourself, and stop allowing the experience from the first relationship or the fact that you have kids together, to keep you in a place of resentment. Stop giving him energy. Get back to being you, the person you were, couple with the blessing that life has given you in the process.

If he has chosen not to be a father to his child, then you just be the best mother that you can be,because your child will appreciate it. Your child needs you to be strong and healthy. You cannot do that, if you’re always trying to teach a man to be a man. You cannot do it, by crying over the choices that someone else has made. You cannot do it by staying in a situation that will hold you down and keep you down. Wish him well, and all the successes that he could ever imagine in life, and just move on.

Let him go. Release him. Move on. Live your life. Pray for him. Don’t’ worry about what he is doing versus what he should be doing. Don’t allow him to steal anymore of your time, by chasing him down and threatening him and the life he lives… it will not bring him back. You have someone who is trying to love you and you need to let them, if you want love. There is life after children. There is life after a troubled relationship, long as you want that life and you are willing to make the steps in the right direction, which start at claiming your happiness.

To people everywhere …

Woman, Girl, Freedom, Happy, Sun, Silhouette, Sunrise

Quit selling yourself short. Where the eff, is your “eff it” switch? When do you finally cut those things off, that are holding you back from a life of fulfilment, with yourself or with someone who wants to relish in the luxurious state of happiness with you?

Article Originally Published Here, at CAFEMOM