SOOO, I am not a good mother since my ex can’t piss me off anymore?

Warning: Excessive foul and Expressive language may be used to express excessive points. If you are sensitive and more importantly if you are a bitch ass baby daddy- you may want to exit right now. You have already been warned.

Disclaimer: I am tired as fuck of my baby daddy and his air balls at pissing me off.

Here’s the post he’s been waiting for: This is how the story went…. A fleeting time ago I was hit with the devastating news that I was losing custody of my child to his father, whom successfully gained custody after lying his Ars off in court. Lies included him saying that I did not care about my son, he did not believe that I was a good parent, a loving mother and that I had no concern for my child’s health and overall well-being. He said that I did not spend time with him and that I poked fun at the fact that he had a TIC on social media. He lied about me endangering my child. (All made up) He even went on to make these false and meritless statements, none of which were supported by any documentation, evidence or anything other than his opinion and word. Go Figure!

He had me jailed on a false accusation. He caused me a criminal record over a false accusation. Never providing proof nor evidence – and the prosecutor never heard from the witnesses but went to the grand jury with a bunch of opinions- and because that’s the way it works in Texas, they indicted me. However they ultimately dismissed the case two years later. But guess what? ITS STILL ON MY RECORD and still affects my life! The damage was done.

The sad part is that idiots of the world only see that he won the custody battle, so they believe this shit must have been true. They don’t have the details or the back story and absolutely no wherewithal to discern between truth and lies- they are lazy as fuck and would rather go off what they hear rather than to research.

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For those who know me, they knew that this was a cold-hearted…. Well, A heartless attempt at making me look bad, so that he could get the favorable outcome. All is fair in love and war, right?

He went on to say that I was unemployed, financially unstable and had not proven myself to have stability in life. He harped on his job of 10 plus years, his status as a pharmacist, his salary over 100k and his success at remaining in a home for over 10 years, (the home I left to his ass after trying to show that I wasn’t trying to take anything from him) as his means for solidifying his claims against mine. (Who knew that you couldn’t decide to move from a home to a $2000.00/month apartment and then back to a home within 10 years without being labeled as unstable? Who knew that you couldn’t take on another position with another company making more income within 10 years without being called unstable? Who knew that in Texas, if you have lived in your boring ass home for 10 years and kept the same job for 10 years it meant you were stable) That’s a memo I never got!

I stayed home to take care of my child everyday of his life and he never needed for anything. I provided love, support, affection, attention, teaching, learning opportunity and extra curricular activities- never once denying his dad the opp to be there.

While it was heartbreaking to hear someone that I had known for over 25 years could make such an accusation, especially knowing the leaps and bounds I took for my son, the sacrifices I made for my son and the passion I had for being a mother along with all the things I did for my son before daddy even decided to claim his son, and all the things I did to make sure that Mr. Deadbeat had an opportunity to be in his child’s life when and if he decided to be; I was even more devastated that it came from someone I had blessed with a son and had no hard feelings against. But when a man is scorn, my lord- he can turn into the most evil, vindictive and malicious creature you’ve ever seen. #FACTS And yes, while we are on the subject, his own pathetic mother, grandmother, family and broke ass friends can be a part of it. #CHEERLEADERS

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Now, let me add this: It didn’t help me at all with the custody case that I had written grievance after grievance against the judge and the lawyers involved with this mockery of justice during the 4 years that we were fighting – Along with sharing the story with news channels and making a documentary … A screenplay… etc., Because when it came down to the judge making his decision, opposing counsel made sure that he reminded the judge that I had written a grievance against him and the Judge who was hearing the case. This was hunting season for them. The day they’d all been waiting for had arrived. This was a no win for me. And it had nothing to do with me being a bad parent. It was finally time for them to seek revenge. My custody case was not about how bad or good of a parent I was. It was about what I had posted, written and shared on social media about the injustice that was unfolding in Harris County. And that’s documented in the transcripts of the court from that day (Feb 2017)

I told them all before entering court that I knew there was no way that I would win, when the judge making the decision was already upset about me saying that his ruffled pink socks did not match his cute little skirt. I knew that opposing counsel felt some type of way about me talking about his correction shoes (which he even brought up in court….at a damn custody hearing!!) lol. My point of going to court was to have on record all the lies that were being told, because at that point I had to start thinking ahead to all the questions my son would soon have about why he was not with his mother that he loves and adores. I wanted my son to know that I went through the fire! I wanted him to hear for himself, should he ever ask. So, I was at peace. I had to arrive at peace because this was a situation that I was not in control of and no matter how right I was, I was not going to be able to convince a judge that he shouldn’t retaliate against me when he had all the power to do so. That’s just how little men with complexes are. When you point out that they are two feet tall, it’s game on! When you point out that they should not have a seat on the bench because they cannot handle someone telling them when they are wrong, their narcissistic urge to fuck your world up comes into play. They will stop at nothing to show you that Little, Short Men who got no play in school, lives matter. Furthermore, when you have intel about their personal lives, they are on a mission to destroy you before you can destroy them. (Another story for another day)

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I said all that to say that its apparent that I had my share of lashing out as I was angry, upset, mad, disgusted, livid, pissed off, in denial about what was happening, all while seeking justice for my son and trying to make sure that he did end up with the more suitable parent. But in that time, I forgot about how little men handle insults. I forgot about how when they were in high school they were overlooked, so they took on powerful positions in their careers and work life later in life so that they could prove a point and go after every woman or good looking male athlete in defense of the not so popular crown and root for the underdog. My hand was in the lion’s mouth. I was up against insecure, little men with complexes who were pissed off that I called them out. Unfortunately for me, they were the little men who were making the decisions at the end of the day.

But here is where I tell you about how things changed. As mentioned before, I knew what the outcome would be, and I had already planned for it. That’s why when it happened, I moved on without hiccups. I had small setbacks and it bothered me of course, but when you arrive at a place where you realize being down everyday and hurt or remaining in disbelief over a situation doesn’t place you where you need to be and does nothing for the situation, you move the fuck on. You find ways to cope. You see the silver lining. You embark on new journeys and opportunities that are available to you with your new set of circumstances. And if you are smart about it, you make it work.

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But here’s what happens when you do this. You get that email message from your bitch assed baby daddy one day that states that you’re not a good mom and you don’t care about your kid, and mothers “don’t do that” (Move out of the state of texas) since you are not mad anymore about what has taken place. WTF? LOL Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t. They want you to be upset, That’s why they did what they did… long as you are upset, they are happy, but when you find happiness or ways to cope and measures to take which will help you navigate through all the pain, it eats at their soul and the only thing they can tell you is that you are not a good parent since you can only see that you don’t have to take the responsibility of the mistakes they made.. WTF. Moving out of the state all of a sudden means I don’t care about my son? Moving from a place of constant harassment and threats of going to jail, makes me a bad mom? Get over yourself. A smart mom would do just this! So that they will no longer be a target of destruction! And so that they can ensure that their child will have their mother around and not fall victim again to circumstance brought on by an angry father who can’t digest that his BM doesn’t want him.

This is what I see: I see a man who did all he could to destroy my life and instead of destroying my life, he’s slowly destroying our sons. Does that make me happy? Hell no. I am still devastated- but give me one example where being devastated fixed a situation. I’ll wait….. NONE. Action is what fixes a situation. I’m taking action- and that doesn’t include giving more crooked attorneys 100’s of 1000’s of dollars all for them to take money under the table (from opposing parties) and under represent me at the end of the day!

My action is to be there for my child in all the ways that I can. In all the ways I can be, which are all the ways I wholeheartedly want to be. It does not include giving the baby daddy any energy. My plight is not to rescue the daddy from hurt and deliver him from pain of me leaving him or showing him that he hurt me by taking my son under false accusations and playing on the court. My plight is to be the best mom possible and that includes being healthy in mind, body and spirit. If that means that I must cope with a temporary situation because of the cards that were dealt and watch from a distance because I have no other options, then that is what I will do. I will never give up on my son and I will always be here for him, wherever the chips may fall…. but what I will not do is to give my baby daddy the fuel he so desperately needs and desires in knowing that he shattered me when he took my son away just to prevent paying child support. So, my question still is WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL SO MAD?

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Is it because you thought that stating your income would piss your BM off, as if she didn’t know what it was? Is it because you thought you were the only nigga who could take care of your BM? Is it because you thought that none else would want your BM and you’ve found that not to be true? Is it because you mentioned that you are in a relationship and that was supposed to piss your BM off (? which you’re clearly not happy to be in)? Is it because the “stable home” that you are building a new life in, is the same one that you literally built a life in with your BM? Is it because you are just upset that she’s not mad anymore about the lies you told and that the universal laws of karma have proven to you that you can’t get away with murder……? How can you tell her that she’s not a good mom, just because she’s not upset over the outcome anymore? Is it because you now know what it takes to be the custodial parent and you bit off more than you could chew? You don’t get to be upset about having the sole responsibility of providing for your son, when that’s what you asked for! Man Up!

I am making moves that will guarantee my son a successful set up in life, despite the circumstance. I would like Baby daddy to know that now is the time for him to get over himself and his need for constant attention and focus on his son. I would love for him to know that he should not be concerned about what I am doing, if I am doing for my son, the things I can do. I would like for him to know that just because he doesn’t see me angry about the bull shit he pulled in court, does not make me a bad parent. Its an example of someone picking up the cards and moving on, to create a future for the child she cares more about than the feelings of her trifling baby daddy who wants so badly to see her hurting.

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In closing and in response to that ridiculous email about me not being a good mother since I am not mad over not having custody….Fuck you and the horse you rode in on… It’s not about you. It’s about the child. Stop trying to upset your child’s mother. Stop trying to piss your baby mother off. Stop trying to destroy your baby mother…. Think about your child. Yes, your child’s mother has moved on. She has found a life worth living. She has found ways to cope and she has the support to do so. If you were any kind of father, you would want this for her. You would want this for your child. If your child’s mother is still present for your child and supportive of your child’s endeavors, don’t make your life about making her so mad that she is not able to do so. Because when you do………. When you did, with that email, you showed the world what your entire intention was; Which was to make her so mad that she wouldn’t be able to do any of these things. And now you look stupid.

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That Moment My Son Caught Me Off Guard And I Totally Wasn’t Ready

Have you ever found yourself betwixt the intense snares of a worthy competitor during a game of I Declare War, Who Sank My Battle Ship or Connect Four, who’s challenging your every move with statements that will make you second guess how good you really may be at playing the game? Their competitive nature gets the best of them as they begin making statements such as: I am the best, you can’t beat me, I won, I win, you lose! Which with time, turn into empty threats such as, I am going to beat you so bad that you won’t be able to tell your head from your foot.

If you are the proud parent to a First-Grader, you may understand the limit in examples I have given for lack of adult activities I get to partake in as well as understand that when a First-Grader calls you big head, they mean business and it’s a pretty harsh statement that may be the adult equivalent to something I can not get away with saying on a G-rated blog post. But hey, it’s not a curse word, right?

You’re laughing and having an enjoyable time as you let the little tyke win in some cases, and in other cases you go ahead and put the brakes on them so that they will know who’s the boss. My son and I love to play I declare War and it’s a terrific way to pass the time. In fact, it worked for me as I was teaching him that 9 was greater than 5 and that 6 was less than 7 and so on… He never knew that he was learning how to quickly identify the Highest Number/ Lowest Number, by becoming familiar with the numbers through doing something fun. At any rate, he became very good at the game, picking up his cards when he had the higher card and he’d boast when it appeared that he was driving down the cards that I had, on his way to a sweet victory.

So, here’s the scenario: My mother courageously accepted the I Declare War challenge with my little prince. Never did she know that she was stepping into the Lion’s Den. Brave Woman! He was up, then he was down. Then they were even. But if you know anything about I Declare War, you know that the game can switch up easy with a War card. You can be down to your last 4 cards and win another 6, in addition to keeping your four if your war card beats your opponent. And then from there, you could have collected all high cards which will change the direction of the game. Well, my son was up… He was feeling confident. He was on the edge of the sofa, as I sat nearby watching TV. I could hear him going on and on about how he was about to win this game against my mother.

Then out of nowhere, he says to my mom, “Yea! I am bout to whoop your ass!” Totally alarmed me. I looked at him and hit him with the parenting 101 question that you ask any kid when you know they will not be brave enough to say it again… “BINO! WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?” To which he nonchalantly replied, “I said I’m gonna whoop yo ass.” Loooong Pause. I did not know where to go from there because when I was a child, it stopped at the question of “What did you say” being asked. And there was no more commentary.  From there it was the parenting stare that spoke volumes about what would happen if you dare to say it again. You know the stare I am talking about… because we all have it. It’s the one that says, I didn’t think so! Or That’s what I thought!… Behind their silence from your intimidating glare. Suddenly I was left with …ok, just making sure that’s what you said… carry on. I am Joking…. But seriously, he wasn’t supposed to respond much less repeat exactly what he said.

Have you ever been in the ocean swimming away from the shore and you came upon the place where the ocean stopped? Of course not. And so, respectfully you don’t know what it looks like, as you have never been there and for the greater part of your life you have accepted that it doesn’t stop and if and wherever it does, you’d probably never see it. I was at a loss for words.

I looked to my mother and said, “do something!” I was not ready for this moment and nothing came to my mind under the natural realm of things to do, because this never happened before. I had never seen this occur in life.

I don’t want to laugh at the fact that he cursed, and I did not take it lightly at the time. The truth is, I was rather appalled and wondered where/who he picked this up from. It was an example of how we may come to face things in life where our children are concerned which may be unexpected, in which we are not prepared for. We will have to address it when and if it happens. If you are extremely lucky, you will get through this parenting thing without any fails with your perfect child.

Here’s the thing… You may have a monitoring tool on all the TV’s in the home, a security key on electronics limiting them to the G-Rated material they can access and you just might refrain from using said language while in the presence of your child. However, if you’re a single parent, you have no control over what your child may be exposed to when he’s not in your presence and you also have to consider that your child attends school with hundreds of other children that they interact with daily. You have no idea the upbringing or the language that those children are exposed to and so there is no way for you to monitor what your child may subsequently become exposed to while he/she is away from you at school, day camp, day care, etc. As you send your children back to school in the new Year, here’s what you can do. Continue to reinforce the rules and stand your ground. Hope for the best but be prepared for the worse. Be a constant reminder to them in making it very clear about what is acceptable and what is not. Don’t just draw the switch/belt and punishment until you have talked to them about their behavior and have let them know of the consequences. Their first offense may just be their last.

When What They Meant For Bad, Turned Out For Your Good, But Now They Mad

Have you ever found yourself in a place where something tragic happened, which turned out to be something as equally good? When it happened, you were devastated on many levels and you could not get your mid around it. You couldn’t not believe the betrayal involved, the dishonesty, the manipulation, the evil and vindictive ways of someone and how their action caused you the friends that were lost, loss of employment, loss of career in which stunted your growth for a while and brought on many hindrances in moving forward in your career by staining your reputation and ultimately demolishing everything you had worked for, achieved and built. Their action caused the loss of your business connections and weakened your opportunities in the process. You couldn’t believe how something so impossible could happen to you. It was downright wrong and no reasonable explanation as to how it could have happened, was in your line of view.

You were in a place that you could not explain it to anyone, and even when you did, they didn’t believe you because it was so impossible that they could not phantom it for themselves. So, in the end, you looked as though you were making it all up. You appeared as though you were leaving something out. You were viewed as the one who was not being honest and forthcoming about all the details of what transpired. This impossible action brought on grave circumstances in which you never thought you would overcome. You were in a place where you could not see the beginning from the end. You were stuck in the middle of just existing in life. It was no way to unravel what had been done.

I bet you never looked at it as GOD’s way of cleaning house. Have you ever heard the expressions, “I asked GOD to protect me from my enemies and I started losing friends?” or “We Plan. GOD Laughs?” “When You Are Down To Nothing, GOD Is Up To Something”

Here’s an example: He got you pregnant and then decided that he didn’t want a child. So, you became a single mom overnight. You still smiled, and it bothered him that you accepted the challenge. After-which, he fought you in court to gain custody and to evade paying child support.

He told you that you would be nothing without him and his money and he added that no man would want (A woman with a kid) He dug deeper into your flesh when he said that you’ve been tarnished because you are now a single mother.

He stood on his title, stability in the workplace and financial status to solidify his claim as the better parent. He won in court.

Now, he has all the responsibilities that you had but he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t want that kind of responsibility. He especially doesn’t want the responsibility if it means more freedom for you.

He told you that he wouldn’t need child support from you if he had custody, because he has all the money- but now he’s not only begging you for child support, but he’s requesting it be raised.

He hated you and called you out for being a single mom, but now he has the burdens that he said no man would want you for; which is that he now dates a woman who has two kids of her own.

He didn’t want to pay child support, but now he see the cost of food, education, entertainment, school, clothes, medical, travel and daily expenses of having a child- but he also has the additional two kids, plus the woman, that he must do for in his new relationship. (way more than he would have paid in child support to you)

He can’t walk away from his relationship, because he used it to show that he had a “stable family at home.” Also, if he walks away or allows her to leave, he will look like a double failure and all the truths will be exposed. So, he must continue to buy/purchase her company to keep her around. He must keep her there to keep up the façade. And he hates it. (This cost money)

He dogged you for being a single mom all to find out that a relationship with a Single Mom, is all that he qualifies for, for himself. SIDEBAR: I am no rocket scientist, but its beginning to look like I am being hated because what he once told me, is happening to him. No woman wants a Single father- unless she’s a single mother herself. So now he has exactly what he criticized me about. And perhaps he has come to the realization that there aren’t many women out there who don’t have kids at our age. Perhaps he realized that those women without kids, aren’t looking for a man with baggage.

He invaded your professional spaces with slanderous statements and libelous actions that caused you to lose your place. He constantly pushed for corruption over your life, so that you would not be able to provide for yourself or your child and he won that battle. But he was not happy to see you smile through it all.

When someone wins everything that they asked for and they still are not happy with the outcome, it is because all that they took from you, was meant to paralyze your faith, steal your smile and cripple your existence. And it may have been the case for a while, but you kept smiling and believing. You found your footing and your bearings in life to do it all over again. You continued to smile and that irked the mess out of those who came to kill, steal and destroy. So, they are unhappy about your happiness and your success and most of all, your existence. Because for them, they know that you get to look at them being unhappy in a situation that was meant to bring you that kind of unhappiness.

You went on to secure a better position in the workforce. You remained grounded in faith and your prayers availed. You realized what the ultimate plan on your life was and how all of this was not in vain. You realized that vindication was not yours. You realized that there’s a reason for everything happening in your life, when all those connections and bridges were cut and burned. You begin to see the path. You went on to find happiness in a relationship with someone who loves your child. You went on to have the freedom and luxury that comes from not having the responsibility of having to look out for a child every moment of the day- While he, inherited the curse that he attempted to place on you.

He ended up with triple the hell from what he stole from you and now he’s drunken with hatred for you. He is feasting on his own insides, as he staggers and slowly fade away.

My advice to you is to remain humble. Forgive him, as you probably have which is why he has no more power over you and you have been able to keep it moving. Keep believing. Never stop smiling. Continue to move forward and trust the slow and steady process. Don’t gloat. Don’t brag. Just wait. Just watch.

What Happened When School Was Delayed For Two Weeks and What I Learned In The Process

I had a remarkable summer with my son. From multiple road trips, to a memorable vacation at Disney world, Universal Orlando and Lego Land. Amidst the summer swim sessions, hotel rendezvous, fun food trials, kickball soiree, movie nights, late night play and site words; it was his first day of school that I was anticipating.

I think I speak for many moms, when I say, this is something that we all look forward to being a part of. At least while the little ones are in grade school. Everything is a first and we document it, don’t we? Well, I do. I want a first day of Preschool, first day of Kindergarten, first day of first grade…and so on. Somewhat of a walking, mom selfie-editorial; with up to 3000 photos stored on the phone at a time. HEY, don’t judge me. LOL. My mom and sisters admire it. My sister has often mentioned that she wished she did it for her son and daughter as they were growing. I could tell you what my son wore when he was 3.522 years old.

I had not seen my son for three weeks, as my extended summer visitation with him, came to a close the first week of August. It was August 24th, when the excitement about my sons first day of first grade peaked. I was I was in Houston, Texas preparing to see him during the parent-teacher meeting originally scheduled for the following Friday. However, the meeting was canceled due to Hurricane Harvey, which produced and recorded historic flooding in Houston area. Subsequently, school was canceled and I was stuck for 13 days. Fortunately, my son was nowhere in sight. He was already miles away, in Alabama, and safe! I couldn’t be mad at all. But at first, I could not understand why I had gone through all of this, only wanting to see my son on his fist day, and would still miss it. But I knew deep down, it was not all about me. So, at that time, it became a matter of planning the best route out of the city, and while it did not come easy- it came later.

In the middle of the storm, rain and flooding, next to safety for all; all I could think about was how I would miss his first day of first grade, since school was canceled and I was scheduled to be out of town when they were tentatively set to begin. I wasn’t worrying too much about the fact that they couldn’t begin, because I knew that it was safety precautions and it was the best decisions for the school, considering the amount of damage to the city, people homes, others being displaced, road closures and impassable highways leading in, around and out of the city. We were all under siege.

When the time did come, where I was able to leave the house and the city, to get to a safe place where living conditions were conducive for survival; my son was still in Alabama. That’s where I headed. I drove down on September 5th, with prayers. The previous two days had been rough and traumatic for me and I was missing my son. All I wanted was a big fat hug and a kiss! It was with hope that I was clinging to, that he would still be in Alabama when I arrived, so that I could lay my eyes on him. I wanted to tell him how much he is loved and how grateful I was to be the mother to one amazing little Prince.

Request was granted. School was postponed for another week, and I could see my son. After everything that happened, I considered myself blessed and highly favored that I survived the storm, and that I ultimately got my one wish, which was to see his face before he started school, so that I could wish him well. It may seem like a selfish wish, seeing how some are still to this day, recovering from Harvey’s wrath, but for me it was something so much more.

It was the fact that things could have turned out so much differently, and I hate to ponder the thought of anything bad happening to him, had he been in the city. It was about cherishing moments that I do have with him and making the best of it. It meant a great deal to me to see him off to school, but it was a greater deal that I was alive and able to. It was a big deal to me that the both of us were safe from harm, and able to continue to create memories together.

It was a humbling experience. I was fortunate to have the means to leave the city and to be in a place where my son would be for a couple of more days. I spent those couple of days with him, prior to today, relishing in the joy of having my son and being happy that he was not with me during this storm. It made me appreciate all the moments that I do get to share with him. In the end, I could see that everything happens for a reason, and that if we trust the process, we will understand it better. There wasn’t one moment that I let him out of my sight. I took in every waking second, filling myself with his eyes. A denied wish to see him in August, as planned, was just a delayed blessing.

Today, my son started first grade. While I did not see him today, I saw him Saturday. I have learned to not panic over having that snap shot of the very first day of anything anymore, but to appreciate that any time I get with him, will be a good-time and is always a blessing.

http://www.workingmother.com/what-happened-when-school-was-delayed-for-two-weeks

Teachers Spill The Tea on What It’s Like Dealing With Divorced Parents, and it could use a little more tea

During the summer, while catching up on some old movies that had slipped through the crack in years past, I gathered with career moms to watch a few movies that we could somewhat relate to, while catching some gut-busting laughter and a break from work. As we met, we exchanged dynamic stories of the inner dealings of co-parenting our children. We also shared our anxieties over school beginning, taking on larger than life responsibilities in our careers; where new beginnings were concerned, as well as moves we would have to make, exploring family dynamics, and how to find blends and balances. While a few of us are still dealing with unwilling parents, there were others who have evolved into a place where they have been able to work together, in providing a nurturing environment between homes. Even when it’s a one-sided operation, we keep reaching to find solutions and ways to create a more cohesive relationship, in the name of our children.

In sharing stories as such, you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your plight to raise your children. You find comfort in laughing about things of the past. You also find that you have so much in common. While we all had different stories, there was one denominator in which we all seem to share, with reference to the anxiety of our kids/kid going back to school. It was how the teachers usually handle divorced parents, when it came to access and information.

The kids have been back in school for at least two weeks in some areas, whereas other schools that weren’t closed or affected by closures, due to weather related concerns, began a little over a month ago. Curriculum is underway, as students, teachers, counselors and advisors are getting adjusted to the early morning commute, the back-to-school routine, dismissals and parent-teacher conferences. We thought it would be a great idea to gather teacher perspectives, on what they face from the inside; to either solidify our feeling and claim, or to put it to rest.

Among other things that teachers and school administrators dread, dealing with parents of divorced kids was one. The teachers say that they are often caught in the middle of the mess a lot of times and do not know what to do, which is probably the reason that the other parent feels slighted. While they are advised by superiors, on how to handle situations, it gets sticky when they have formed relationships with one parent, instead of both parents. BOOM! Just what we thought. They went on to say, the hearsay from one parent, regarding the other parent, has influenced them on how they deal with the other parent, and has put them in the cross-fire on many occasions. Here’s more on what they had to say:

In general-In joint or full custody, when moms are the primary: When it comes to dealing with divorced parents, moms major concern was that NO ONE is to pick up child without moms’ consent – no early or random dismissals from school, without her being notified, even if it was dad. School administrators agreed with this as a valid concern for safety*. Dad is permitted to have all the access to the school as she does. Mom wants Dad is to be informed about all things related to child, should he request information. Dad is to be included on the list of immediate emergency contact. Dad should be included on email advisories about events, projects, assignments and all things related to the child/school. However, some moms scoff or rolls eyes, at the sound of dads’ name and throws shade, when having conversations with the teacher. Makes it awkward and uncomfortable for teachers. Moms were described as mom Nazi’s by some teachers account, and the teachers felt as though it was an overcompensation for being a single-parent.

In general-In joint or full custody, when dads are the primary: Dad usually have classify the mother as a “crazy baby-momma”, when addressing teachers. More than half of these Teachers/Administrators said that the dads are the hardest to deal with, being that they use power and influence to make uncompromising request such as: Do not allow mom to visit, do not allow mom access to info regarding grades, teacher curriculum, behavior growth and progress of child; their request seemed more vindictive and spiteful, rather than a true and genuine concern for the child. Their request was reflective of a parent who wanted to deliberately leave the other parent out of activities.

While dads painted a picture of a bad mom, some teachers can read between those lines, to see that it’s not that mom is absent of her child’s affairs, but that she is being maliciously left out, for dad to bring this paining to life. For instance: If mom doesn’t know about curriculum night at the school, because she has not been informed by the school or dad, she is a no-show. Dad express care and concern for the child, but their hatred toward the mother makes teachers uncomfortable*.

About this survey: (conducted in Harris County, Texas/Cy-Fair ISD) -Interviewed 20 teachers / 4 principles / 4 schools-(16 female teachers / 4 male teachers: athletic instructors) (18 teachers whom are married/2 divorced) Grades K-5Questions asked: 1. Is it harder to deal with moms or dads and why? Provide examples. 2. What is mom/dad major concern, with respect to the child? 3. Does the opinion of one parent about the other parent influence you on how to deal with the other parent? 4. How does it make you feel, when one parent puts you in an uncompromising situation? 5. Does either parent influence you to take sides, by with gifts for the school/class or fundraising?

Statement from the Principles: It is our overall concern to teach children while they are in our care, and make sure that they are in a safe environment, conducive to learning and teaching. While it is extremely necessary in sensitive situations, regarding the child, for us to know pertinent information, when it comes to enforcing our policies on safety of the children; it is not necessary to know that one or both parents had a troubled marriage, and that they have a grave dislike for one another. It creates a hostile situation for all, when parents discourage administrators from having a parent-teacher relationship with the other parent. We would like to keep both parents involved, when it comes to the child that they share. We hope that parents will come to agree, that this is what’s best for the child.”

http://www.workingmother.com/teachers-spill-tea-on-what-its-like-dealing-with-divorced-parents

Why You Should Get Out Of Your Own Way And Seize The Opportunity

Have you ever stood with your back against a mirror, while holding a small handheld mirror, attempting to see the back of your head? Have you noticed that when the mirror is directly in front of your face, you are not able to see the back of your head? That’s because you are standing in your own way.

When my sister received an email from the Varsity Cheer Coach, with a request for her daughter to join the Varsity Cheer Team, she didn’t respond in haste. She expressed her excitement and stated that she would talk it over with her daughter first.

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My niece was hesitant about going to the Varsity Cheer Team at her new High School. It was because she somewhat felt that she would be separated from her classmates, whom are on the Jr. Varsity Team. It was understandable that she experienced these feelings, being a freshman and having spent her whole life as a cheerleader, with those who were entering high school with her. I could only imagine how scary it must have been to make such a decision, at the start of her Freshman year.

My sister wanted this for her daughter. She thought of it as we all did; a wonderful opportunity. Obviously, we were all overjoyed to hear the good news about Hailey receiving an offer to practice with the Varsity Team, as a Freshman. I am sure that it was equally rewarding for my sister to hear, as well to know that after long hours of practice, day after day, year after year, cheer competitions and national championships, that all her work as well; being a devoted and supportive mother, was paying off.

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What we did not think about initially, was that Hailey may not have seen it with the lens that we saw it with. Hailey could have been looking directly into the mirror and was content with being right there in that moment with the mirror on her face, having her friends whom she’d bonded with over the years. She expressed that she did not want to split from her cheer team. I admired the fact that my oldest sister allowed her daughter to make the ultimate decision on what she wanted to do.

However, after hearing her daughters reasoning as to why she was reluctant to join the J.V. Team and having the vested interest that she has in her daughter success, she reached out to family. I was most concern about the real reason potentially being that she was deciding to stay where she was, because of insecurities about how she would perform. Was she afraid to step into her greatness? If you think about it, entering high school as a Varsity player, is A BIG DEAL. If you only think that you are good at what you do, hearing that you are phenomenal can be a lot of pressure.

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I think its important that we try to understand where our children are coming from. Once we realize that its really fear that’s holding them back, we must then help them overcome their fears and anxieties. When that’s addressed, we can better explain the benefits and opportunities but at the same time, still allow them to live in their youth and enjoy it in the way that serves them most.

I could only tell Hailey what I knew. Which was that I missed a few opportunities in life, due to the fear of stepping into my greatness. I knew what it was like to rest in the comfort of being good, without the expectation of being great. I knew what it was like to remain in a place where everything around me was familiar and safe.

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I also knew what it was like to wait on people. Sometimes we void opportunities to succeed or even do things we want to do, because we are waiting for someone else to do it with us.

We must realize that all things don’t happen all at once. When our opportunity comes knocking, it may not be the same time that it comes for our friends. We cannot ignore the sound, by staying on the other side of the door with those who did not get the opportunity. Their time will come. If you miss your opportunity for this reason, who knows…it could be offered to the very people who you stayed behind for.

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This was something else that I knew way too much about, having done that as well. Waiting on what I thought was the right time, the right person, never admitting to myself that the real reason was fear of doing it alone- for whatever the reason was. Therefore, I also knew what it was like to look back and say that I wish I did something differently.

A lot of times we don’t see the things we want to see, do the things we want to do, go to the places we would like to go; because we are standing in our own way. When you tilt the mirror, turn your head and maneuver the mirror as well as your body, you will see the image.

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In life, if we want to see what is there, it may take stepping out of our comfort zones and adjusting our position with the mirror. If you have a mirror to your face, all you see is you. If you want to see more, you might have to change the way that you are holding the mirror.

At the end of the day, you don’t want to look back and see a bunch of missed opportunities. Get out of your own way, and take advantage of the opportunities to meet new people, discover new and fresh perspectives. It could be the gateway to opening many more doors in your life. When I tilted the mirror one day, and got a glimpse… I tasted the fruit of fearlessness. I am proud of my niece for doing the same.

Article Originally Published On Working Mother Blogs, Super Single Mom

Featured Photo Courtesy: Pixabay.com
ABOUT THE WRITER


NIEDRIA KENNY
Super Single Mom

Mother to the little Prince Cornelius! Passionate mom and parenting enthusiasts. Travel Raider, Influential Scribbler and Mom Ambassador. All things Peter Pan! Because I don’t want to grow up. 7X Published Author and Avid researcher. In my previous life, I was a Realtor and Prop Mngr- Writing is my first language!

Dad, Are You and My Mom Going to Get Married Again? A Child’s Plea To Do Things Together With His Parents

Dad, are you and my mom going to get married again? A child’s plea to do things together with his parents

I can tell you off the top that I do not have the solution for this. My question to everyone else is, how do you address these questions? I was not prepared and I don’t know how to get prepared. I was prepared for all the other questions that I knew he would ask someday and I think I knocked those out of the park.

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As I’m about to drive away, after I had just picked up my son for the weekend, I was excited about the time we were about to have. I looked back and noticed that he was getting teary eyed, and his face was that of one holding back the tears. Confused, I told him that is was perfectly OK if he wanted to roll the window down to say bye to his dad.  

“Why are you sad?” I asked. “Because my dad looks sad. I want my dad to come too. I want to be with both of y’all at the same time.” he responded. My son had expressed this on several occasions before, when he asked me if I could come with him to his dad’s house. He’s cried several times upon being dropped back off at his dad’s house, because he wanted me to come too.

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Deep Breath** He took me up on my offer to roll the window down to say good-bye to his dad. However, he didn’t just say good-bye. He asked, “Dad, can you and my mom get married again because I want to be with both of yall?” My head fell… Not sure what his dad said. I began to back away.

Only recently, had my son began to ask me about us getting married again. Almost as if he’d been searching for a resolution and rested on this being the only answer to how we can all be together.

Never did I think he’d ask his dad or me, right there in the presence of one another, if we would get married again so that he can be with both of us, at the same time.

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I knew that it would not be much longer before I would have to ditch the kiddy talk and address the conversation head on. But is this considered something age-appropriate to discuss? He’s only 6. Well, he will be 7- years old in December. He’s a pretty quick-witted, smart and intelligent kid. I recognize that he is a lot more insightful about what is and has been going on. I knew he’d have questions, but not this one.

I did not think his request would be that his dad re-marries his mom. (Internal thoughts: Does he see this as the only possibility for us to do things together? Poor baby, this is his perception) Perhaps he doesn’t know that we can do things together and we don’t have to be married? But how can I drive that point, when we haven’t made it happen? (More internal thoughts) Do I just say to him that we are waiting on his dad to be comfortable with having me in the same room with his girlfriend? No, I can’t say that. Do I say that mommy has been trying to do this for years, but dad is afraid to bring us all together, for some reason? Nope, I definitely can’t say that. I cannot tell my son that it’s his dad that is standing in the way of this happening.

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As I am driving away, looking at my sons’ face, I felt awful! “Your dad can come if he wants to.” I said. Besides, we were just headed for a quick bite to eat at that moment. I stopped when I got to the corner. I asked, “What do you want me to do? Should I invite dad to lunch with us?” He said, “Yes.” My son told me that I would have to be the one to ask, because dad would listen to me. (My inside jokester said, oh boy… you have no idea… no he won’t) But, I escaped from that being my response and I just did the dirty work.

Dialing*** He answered the phone, “What’s up, what do you need?” to which I replied, “Hi. Deon wants to know if you would like to grab lunch with us.” He explained that he had some other appointments and things he needed to do. He thanked me for the invite and that was it. I hung up the phone and my son asked, “Does he really have something to do or is he just saying that?” Geez! I am slapping my forehead at this point. All these questions. LOL.

All I could think to say was, “Well, what would we do with (xyz) dad’s girlfriend? My son responds, “IonKno” followed by a, ‘least of my concern, shoulder Scruggs and facial expression’. I thought that if I threw her into the mix, (reminding my son that xyz may get hurt and he shouldn’t want to hurt her because he already told me he likes her) that my son would consider the fact that his dad has a girlfriend that we all like. (Internal thought: My son told me one day that he was afraid to tell me that he liked xyz, because he did not want to hurt my feelings. Little did he know, but I assured him, this was music to my ears because it was all I was worried about) Man, I wish they knew how much this meant to him.

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But then I thought that if I used her, it would make it seem as if there was a possibility of his dad and I being together if xyz didn’t exist. And that’s not the case, so I tried to fix it. So, I asked, “Well what will mommy do with her fiancé?” Oops… had to take that back too, because again it sounds like if mommy was not in a relationship, that there was a possibility. Altogether, I didn’t want my son to become hopeful about there ever being a possibility. (Because doesn’t he need to know that there’s no possibility?) Or do I just address and work on the problem that he is having, which is trying to get us in the same room to do things together? Because if I fix that, wouldn’t he stop asking us to get remarried? – Stop me when I start over-thinking this!

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I didn’t want my son to think that the reason that his dad and I were not together, was due to us being committed to other people. Because that’s not the reason. And for all I know, if he thought this, he could begin to resent our partners if he thought they were the reasons for his biological parents not being together. (Furthermore, he doesn’t need to know the real reason we are not together, right?)

Bottom line is this. I want my son to know that his dad and I do not have to be married for us all to do things together. But I am not able to show him this, as I am restricted. I want him to know that we can do things together with both individuals that we are involved with. I want him to know this so that he can abandon the idea of us ever getting married again, with ease.

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I’d be remiss not to say that I notice when my son is happiest and it’s when he sees that his dad and I are in one place at one time, with him. Such as during his Baseball games. I want my son to be happy. With that in mind, there’s always a thought in my head about when the time will come that everyone will be able to blend.

I want my child’s underlying request to be granted, which is for us to have a cohesive relationship where we can have positive interactions as parents, in the presence of my son. I want to blend our families and have the luxury of them joining us for dinner or lunch, so that my son can know and feel that we are all part of one team.