Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

Why I have Chosen to remain from using the terms Strong and Weak, when summing up a woman’s ability to handle challenges in her personal life

The title of this article started off as: “I’m so tired of hearing weak women, define what a strong woman is, in such a condemning manner.”

But that would have tremendously defeated the purpose and would have been intensely counter-productive, at making the point that women should be empowering one another, instead of calling them weak, for the way they deal with pain or handle a situation that solely belongs to them; and what you should be doing, is offering support.

If I am honest with myself, I admit I have been guilty calling someone weak. However, in seeing/hearing someone say it, while generalizing, and making this assessment of someone else; I saw how unfair it was, as it pertained to their ability to process pain. In seeing how less than smart that it made this person look, it did cause me to reflect. I was just beside myself, and happy to say that in that regard, it’s something that I have never done. But it still influenced me to make a conscious decision/effort to remove it from my vocab, going forward.

It’s not a good look to make such a statement, when you don’t have details and you assume you know something. Or when you are just that basic, and ridiculously absurd, that you would gauge someone’s strength and weakness by their ability to handle their hardship; or a willingness or even a decision to “walk away” from something that has affected them, without saying a word. In other words, these people were saying that if someone talks about their pain, that they are weak. Or if they talk about the attributing factors, it’s a sign of weakness.  WaiWhat?

Here’s the deal: I would be lying if I said that I do not think situations exist, where someone’s actions, and behavior, may have been a great demonstration of a weak person. For Instance: I do believe that it is weak for a woman to get her 5-year old step daughters ears pierced, just to piss off the biological mother. And I think it’s weak for a business woman to deliberately get a co-worker fired, because she feels threatened by her position/talent and or skills. I think it’s weak for a woman to date a man with a child, and grossly neglect his child because it’s not hers. (He’s weak in that situation too) But…. these are not the things that I am talking about here.

Why is it so easy is it to say, “women are weak, if they have been victimized, and talk about it too much, but they are strong women, if they never mention it, or if they can somehow get over it” But you haven’t the first clue about what their situation entails, aside from a raw opinion of how much time, it should take someone to process their pain? How do you solidify your advice about what strong and weak is, and validate yourself, as “strong”, by calling another woman weak, for the way she processes her life?

How many times have you heard this statement: “She’s a strong woman, you never see her cry”

Strength, IS NOT synonymous with the ability to suppress emotions. That’s just an ability to suppress emotions. The term strong, like a title of the elite, has somehow become immortalized. When you are conditioned to believe that “crying” is weak, you tend to suppress things, just to keep from crying, so that you can appear to be “strong”. I don’t think that because a person can hide their tears, that they are strong. No more than I think that a person who can hide their pain, is strong. I am not saying that a person who does not demonstrate any vulnerabilities through crying, is necessarily “hiding something.” I am saying that it doesn’t make them stronger than someone else who does. And it does not define strength. I think it means that they are greater actors, who may have to face all the things they have suppressed one day, in a big break down. And because they now assign a certain behavior as it pertains to emotions, to strength; I think that they will ultimately have that pain escape their body in a different form, such as: alcoholism, possibly some prescription drugs, loneliness, depression and other things that they now embody, to deal with the pain, that they are “too strong” to show. (some opinion, huh?)

Pointing The Finger: You shouldn’t tell another woman that she’s weak for “pointing fingers” after she’s been victimized. When there’s fingers to point, sometimes it’s necessary to point. In fact, you shouldn’t refer to it as “pointing the finger” rather than, appropriating and being able to assign, so that she can achieve closure for herself and know what she needs to deal with. She could be defined as the stronger one, because she’s not afraid to “speak.” This is the path that she chose, which works for her. She’s not afraid of what someone may say and most importantly, she’s not afraid of being called weak, for speaking up.

Playing The Victim: It used to be called weak when a woman didn’t or wouldn’t speak up. Now when she does, you tell her she’s weak and that she’s playing the victim. Waiwhat?

You can call silence, and holding it all in, an example of putting on your “big girl panties” by walking away and choosing not to talk. But I would call that “a big cover up”

How do you call a woman weak for being a victim, while accusing her of “playing” the victim; when she IS THE VICTIM. How about when you are the victim, you’re not playing anything. It’s not a role. It’s a reality. Sometimes you can’t help but to look like, exactly what you are, and it wouldn’t matter how you tell the story or who told the story.

Society has glorified strength in such a way, that real victims are afraid to be a victim, out of fear of being called weak. If they were the victim, they can’t change that. You can choose to say that you’ve overcome something or that you have not allowed to hold you back, but a victim is a victim.

Is it possible to tell a convicted killer in a murder case, to (Un-Be the killer) stop playing like the killer, when they were, the killer? He is the killer, no matter which way you split it. In both cases, rehabilitation is a viable option, but it’s doesn’t change the fact that for this situation, they were the victim or the killer.

Instead of calling them weak about the facts of life, I would apply encouragement. I would support them, as they grow out of what has happened, by telling them that they don’t have to hold the rest of their life hostage to it. Perhaps that’s what strong women should teach or impress upon their fellow girlfriends.

Do This: Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are strong, because today you did something that you didn’t/’couldn’t do yesterday.

And to other women, I would say: You did something that many women may not be able to do. And you can be happy about that. That’s your joy. But do not tell another woman that she’s less than strong, because this is a challenge for her. We are all strong.  But we are all weak together, when we can’t see that we are all different and cannot be expected to emotionally process life the exact same way.

There are no two situations alike: You can say that you went through something similar, but you must consider all variables, and they must be the same; if you want to make a comparison.  If the situation produced a different outcome, conclusion, consequence, then you can’t compare.

Women aren’t statues made of stone, and even if they were- we’ve seen several buildings fall. Need we reference the World Trade Center. So, don’t judge the strength of anyone off the fact that they can’t stand for a certain amount of time during a trial. Or because they can’t sustain some of the harsh blows that are delivered to them. Or because for a moment, they didn’t withstand the tide. Never at any point, should you take the liberty, to tell her that she’s weak because she couldn’t. You are just as weak, if you cannot help her out. If all you can do is stand by and watch it happen, and do nothing, but tell her how weak she is, then that makes you weak. (In my humble opinion)

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Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships

Make this your response: Dear haters, I still want you to win

I want you to win because I believe in empowering people, women and men. I hope to motivate and inspire you to believe it for yourself too. I want you to win, because I want to see you happy. I want to see you rise above your ways, thrive and flourish into something beautiful. Even when you don’t wish the same for me, I still want to see it for you. I want you to have all that you’ve ever hoped for, wished for and dreamed for. Everything that you think will make your life great or greater, even those things which cause you to envy, or despise who and what you don’t know- I hope that someday soon, that you can have it. I want you to win.

I want your life to be an on-going list of amazing experiences. All the places that you want to go visit, all the luxurious hotel beds that you want to sleep in, all the first-class flights, jets, or private charters and yachts you want to take, the house that you want to live in, the financial situation that you want to have, the emotional state of happiness that you need, and whips that you want to push, I want you to have it all. I want you to have the clothes, the friends, the networks and the support. Even though you don’t support me, I still want you to win. Even though you have not been a friend to me, I still want this for you. I hope that someday, in the near further, that you won’t have to live vicariously through anyone, and that you can have the life that you so desire.

I want you to win. I want you to place every egg that you have in one basket, and I want it to multiply for you. I want you to reap seeds of prosperity and I want you to love yourself. I want you to be able to do all the things in life that will bring you peace and joy, whether it’s to have kids, work a job you love, have the career that you want, the title in life that you want, and I want you to be with someone you love. I want you to have the relationship with family that you want, sip champagne just because it’s Sunday and enjoy brunch every day, with people who wish you well. All this, because I truly want you to win.

It doesn’t matter who you are, I still want you to win: Whether we went to high school together, and you judge your own success in life off who went further, or whether you are an ex, who can’t get over a past of pain, in which I never knew I brought to you. I still want you to win, whether we worked together at some point and you did your best to get me fired, I still want the best for you. I will still put my best, in sincerely wanting you to have everything you took, take or are trying to take from me. Whether you were a girlfriend to an ex, who never wanted to see me with him, whether you were a parent of someone I used to know, who hates me for no reason. Whether you are a teacher who never wanted to see me graduate, whether you came in, 2nd place to me in a competition for a title or position that you wanted, whether you are someone who gets sick at the sound of my name, I still want you to win.

Even though you secretly stalk me, wanting for a moment to swipe my happy moment, I want you to win. Whether you are someone who, with bad intentions and motives, prowls my social media, I want to see you win….Whether you are a church member caught up in the hoopla of lies and deception, games and trickery, with no will to see me come out on top. I still want you to win. If you are an attorney, who took my money, with no intention to help, but all the desire in the world, just to get information and then take it back to those who betrayed me, I STILL want you to win. Whether you have taken my deepest secrets and placed your own verse on them, creating your own rendition, before sharing them with more people, who are just like you, I still want you to win.

I still want you to win, despite the blatant ways you have tried to make me lose. I still want you to win, even though, when you knew the truth, you still sided with wrong, just to see me fail. I still want you to win, even though you take from me and I give to you. I still want you to win, even though we don’t know each other, but you judge me based off things you may have heard. I still want you to win, even though you constantly look for ways to bring me down.

You can have it all, but if your heart is not right and your spirit is corrupt, you’ll never be able to see it. You’ll never feel the joy that comes into your life, long as you’re blocking the door with hatred, spite, anger, envy, jealousness. Wishing Hurt, harm and pain on someone else, or damaging a person, sabotaging a person, destroying someone’s reputation, credibility and life; will never return to you all the things you want. I want you to win so that’s why I’m sharing this pearl.

I want you to win, so that you can stop hoping and wishing it away from other people, and so that you can stop dwelling on what they have, and how you wish they didn’t have it or how you hope they lose it. I want you to win, so that you don’t have to rely on your happiness coming from seeing someone else lose the things they have worked so hard for.

But, here’s the catch: I want you to wake up and decide that you are going to be happy and that you want to win, fair and square. Your win can not come from taking, stealing, lying, or being manipulative, deceiving and dishonest. That’s when you’ll know that you’re WINNING

Then, with intentional purpose, set out to just be happy. I want this for you, that you will be able to do just that- so that you can live again. So that you can shut off that internally redundant behavior of hating on other people; by which you have been gossiping, spreading and perpetuating lies and creating drama. I want you to stop engaging and dealing in acts of hatred toward other people’s happiness and their possessions.

I want you to have a life that is so full of the things you love, that you will no longer concern yourself with me or anyone else that you think is doing better or that may have the things that you want for yourself. I want you to have the luxury of being involved with things that can be positively life altering for you as well as a blessing to the world. I want you to experience a transformation that is so powerful, that you wake up and realize that hating on someone else, will never grant you the happiness that’s required to truly enjoy any of the things above. I am still rooting for you!

Originally published on Cafemom.com. See it here

Lifestyle, Parenting

HEY SUNBUTTER! He Likes It

HEY SUNBUTTER! He Likes It!

It would be awfully selfish of me if I didn’t share this tidbit of information with Mom Bloggers Club. As much as I would like to be the keeper of this secret, I just can’t. It’s totally worth sharing, and you can thank me later. Unless of course, it was something that everyone else already knew about. Lol! I found something else that my son gave his stamp of approval on, and so, I proudly gave it my Mom Approved stamp of approval as well, after trying it for myself. SunButter came into our lives last week, while setting up for a Moms Group, to try out the product and see what we all had to say. I wasn’t 5 minutes in, before my own son had cracked open the On The Go sized, SunButter Single cups.

It was a hilarious moment, because as I was trying to video the real, raw reactions and thoughts of the moms that attended, my son can be heard, butting in, to say: It’s good! I’m eating it all up! There couldn’t have been a more natural and unrehearsed moment, as he continued to dig into the cup with his saltine cracker. Take One, Final cut- My work was done! He dismisses us, to ask “Can I have another cracker?”

Where do you go from there? Does it get any better? I found a snack, on my hunt for some back to school goodies, and I got one that he took to, off the bat. #Winning I know that moms everywhere can absolutely agree, that this is a monumental moment, when you have a picky eater; one who is hard to please sometimes, who judges food by the smell, the texture, the look, the everything else that frustrates you while you’re saying, “Just Eat The Cake Anna Mae!” All the while, wondering if your child is malnourished, because he won’t eat anything on his plate.

He’s an active 6- year old boy, who’s always running, jumping, flipping, bouncing around off walls, beds, sofas etc. He’s a playful ball of energy who thinks that sleep is the enemy. To get him to sit down is one thing. To get him to sit still is another thing. While getting him to eat, is not impossible, it has been a challenge.

However, on that one-day last week, and every day up until the SunButter On The Go Single cups were all gone, I accomplished a moment of silence. That’s the big secret I had to share. Thank GOODNESS, we had more!

This has made it onto our list of top 5 things to add to your child’s lunch box, while considering that its Back to School time. It also makes a perfect on the go snack for adults! Check out these awesome recipes for incorporating Sun Butter into y…

SunButter Curry Meatballs

Here are a few fun facts: 7g Protein, USA Grown and Made, More Vitamins and Minerals than NutButter, Top 8 Allergen Free, Non GMO.  SunButter Sunflower Butter comes in 5 choices:

Natural -most popular variety – with 7 grams of protein per serving!

Creamy- Creamy, delicious and easy to spread – perfect for snacking

Natural Crunch- Delicious roasted sunflower seed flavor with a crunch you’ll love

No Sugar Added-Simply roasted sunflower seeds and a hint of salt for flavor.

Organic-SunButter Organic is made without added sugar, salt or hydrogenated oil.

SunButter On The Go Creamy Singles -Six convenient 1.5 oz. cups of Creamy SunButter with 9 grams of protein per serving!

Originally posted on Mom Bloggers Club, Here

Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships, Travel

What if The Word Why? Came With A Dollar? I would be rich off my one child alone.

One thing’s for sure, and that is, I am tired of hearing the word Why? So much, that I have considered telling my child that he has a one why maximum on the usage of the word why, per day. Or, if he uses it more than twice in a day, I am entitled to have the exclusive right to say, “I don’t know” even when I really do know. Plus, I should get to say, I don’t know, at least one time per every two why’s. Yea, that sounds like a plan. I think when you are over a certain age, your why’s should come with an Excel spreadsheet and payment on every third why in a day. Maybe, us parents can conduct a WHY Convention, where we answer all the children’s why’s in one day…. Headline: Bring your children on Friday to the Summit Beach House, and don’t ask us why. Boom! That’s it

Truth be told, I love my son’s thirst for knowledge, and the fact that he always asks me; even though it challenges me to channel my inner 6-year-old child, in which most cases, I find out that I am not smarter than a 5th grader. Juuuust kidding. But I really cannot remember anything from 5th grade. Does that make me less smart though? Hummm… I will have to think about that one before fully deflating my ego. At least when he asks why, I am forced to go into those rooms that have laid dormant in my body’s northern hemisphere, in the brain region. So, it’s not all bad. I do get a kick out of seeing if I can beat him to an explanation that will cancel all the following why’s. Just searching for something good enough for him, without having to tell a lie… and of course before resorting to saying that I don’t know. I think we should limit the times we tell our children that we don’t know something, to prevent them from growing up thinking we are dumb as a box of rocks. Or, to prevent them from asking other people and getting the wrong answers all together. I think if we do not know, we should try to find out WHY.

“In learning you will teach, and in teaching you will learn.” ― Phil Collins

As moms, we have all heard the expression that children are like sponges. All to say that they soak up a lot of knowledge as they grow into their personalities over the wonder years. It’s never a terrible thing that our children have so many questions about how things work, what they do and what they are used for. I am happy that my child wants to know if there are people in the back of the television. I am not so happy that he wants to take the TV apart just to find out. I am also happy that he wants to know exactly why he can jump up and down on the bed and bounce high. However, not too pleased when he tests just how high he can bounce, when it’s followed by a big fall off to the side of the bed.

I totally get it, that it’s extremely annoying to hear the word why, when it’s in response to something where the only answer is: Because I said so! Because there may not be an answer other than that to: Mom why can’t I go outside right now. Well, maybe it’s too late in the evening, maybe he’s already had his bath, maybe you are too tired to go outside with him and watch him, maybe you’re too busy to go out at that moment, maybe you don’t feel like getting him dressed appropriately to go out in certain weather conditions…. These reasons will still be responded to, with a why. Therefore, when he asks, why can’t I go outside, the answer is simply, Because I said so.

See, you must be smart about your response to the questions of why, because they have already planned their next why. You need to find ways to beat them to the punch and shut it down or it can go on for hours. Some children, like my own, will sit and deliberate on the answer, and use the Scientific Method without even being taught that in school just yet. He will began thinking it all the way through, forming a hypothesis, making an educated guess. And here we go again. Most recently, he asked to go outside and it was hi-noon in Houston. It was 58 degrees in the shade. It was a dry heat and no wind was blowing. Even your breath blew stifling air. If you saw anyone holding hands, it just made you hot because you are already sweating, shirt sticking to your back, your shades are even hot while they rest on your noses to see someone hugged up, was like scratching a chalk board. Yes, that hot. So, when he asked, I told him that it was ‘fainting weather” He asked what’s fainting weather. I explained and told him that it’s too hot, and it’s the kind of weather that you are liable to pass out in (faint) heat stroke. I told him that we needed to get some water so that we could stay hydrated while out in that kind of weather.

The next day, as a consolation prize for being indoors for the afternoon, on the day before; I took him to the park. It was just as hot. On the way, he asked, “Mom, is this fainting weather.” Me: Yes, baby. 40 Minutes later after silence in the car, he asked, “Mom, why did GOD make the sun so hot? Why would he want to kill the people he created?” I literally felt my mental elevator crash somewhere between my heart and head. I was totally defeated. I answered, He did not do it to kill anyone baby. He made it hot because the trees and grass need it. So, he asks, “Why?” By now, I am in the front seat banging on the dormant doors to my brain. No one would answer. I just told him that the trees and grass can take it. We can’t. But if we stay hydrated, we will be fine. He then asked, “Well, why can’t the trees and the grass stay hydrated?” All I know is, I was so happy to be pulling up to the park right around that time!

Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships, Travel, Uncategorized

Every Single Mother Will Benefit From Hearing This

2016 began a year of transparency for me. It came after recognizing that there was room for a change in the direction I was taking to approach new challenges. In being told out right, that I was not as transparent as people would like, and that because of this, they don’t “know who I am” I decided to delve more into it. Initially I didn’t take to that very well, as I thought I did good at being an open book, if I should say so myself.

However, in this season and along this journey, I’ve come to the realization that being an open book about my life and happenstance, wasn’t exactly the transparency that they were referring to. It’s awesome to show people a strong courageous girl, after detailing some of the things that life throws at you…. but sometimes, it’s even more awesome when people can relate to your testimony, by knowing the tribulation as well, so that they will know that the things they may be burdened with, are also things that someone else has been burdened with. They are then able to seek refuge in knowing that there is a way out. IE: “XYZ happened to me, and I made it out.” V.S. more Transparency: “These are the things I endured, when XYZ happened. And this is what I had to do, to get beyond the things which happened to me. It wasn’t a cake walk, but I made it.

pexels-photo-267569 (1)

…. We breeze right past the hard part because we’re anxious about telling the good part…and we are so happy to share the good news. Or because we do not want to dwell on the bad part, we skip right to how we triumphed, and it comes across as, all good. As women, working mothers, single moms….we make it look so easy sometimes, because no one really hears the part about where we fell down a few times during the trials and on the journey to make it through and out. However, that’s what they need.

For some reason, and one that I am sure will continue to reveal itself to me more over time, as I become familiar with why people want to know about the bad days, I understand that it’s important that you share that you had some hard decisions to make; which came with some pretty hefty consequences from choices or even moves you did or didn’t make when the time was necessary, and that you struggled in the process.

I understand that people want to know about the battle and they want a birds eye view into some of the pain, without hearing the sound of a victim. This takes some crafting, because there’s a tiny little line, in which if crossed, the dynamic and tone of the story will change to reflect bragging or even boasting. On the flip side, someone who’s constantly talking about “what has happened to them” instead of talking about the process of how what happened, brought you to a brighter place, the message tends to get lost in translation. While we should be happy in our own right- and celebrate our victories, as well as be proud of the fact that we made it out of a rough patch, we don’t want the testimony to get trapped in a maze of affirmations about self.

time

“With reference to those times that you hear someone say, that someone has put a bad taste in their mouth, think of this: The taste you give someone about yourself, comes from the soil that you mature and grow in.” – Sincerely, Niedria Kenny

When we speak of the victory all the time, without balancing and filtering into the story, the things that make us normal- to show people how they too can overcome something, they don’t believe they can. Such as: How we managed to move through the ranks, what we did in between jobs and we transitioned in careers, what we faced when we were fired from our jobs, what happened to us when we did not get the raise we needed, what we did in the meantime, while we waited on the promotion, how we came to the conclusion to leave a job, in order to create a better life, or how we had to make a life-altering decision to loose in order to win again. If you do not share these things, people begin to see you as super human, and no one wants to be around a super human or someone that makes them feel inferior. If you always make it look easy, you contribute to a person’s sense of failure, in that if they can’t do something that’s being described as so easy… they began to ponder the question of, “what does that make them, what’s wrong with them?”

 sleepy

Be not mistaken. I’m not standing in the gap for people who constantly need ego stroking or people who are generally always down and looking for someone else to pull them out of the slumps of which they won’t do their part in helping themselves. I am not standing in the gap for those who relish in knowing that someone else is miserable. Both are toxic people and can end up pulling you back into the place that you are so happy to have escaped.

This was also something that I had to learn to decipher between: Someone who wants to know about your fall before success, so that they can encouraged themselves and speak life over themselves to move into a place for change. .v.s. someone who just wants to know that you fell down, just so that they can say, aha!

I would like to encourage Mothers, Single Moms and Work Moms, who are successful or finding success by navigating through the trenches; to not be ashamed of sharing the good, the bad and the ugly. If it is a victory that you want to share, share the trial as well. If you messed up somewhere along the way, or did not get it right the first time, or it took longer than you anticipated, it’s OK. There is someone, somewhere, who will benefit in knowing that seasons change, and they can too..

“You know, I don’t think any mother aims to be a single mom. I didn’t wish for that, but it happened. Charlize Theron

As Seen On Working Mother

Lifestyle, Parenting

Here’s 10 Ways to win the heart of this woman, just in case you were wondering

There is no skeleton key for opening my heart. There are some things that may work with some women, which does not work for me. This is due to differences that we may have in our priorities, prioritizing, responsibilities, my age, my culture, my background and upbringings. I do feel that my list of things, fall in line with what a woman should require, but who am I to tell anyone who never asked me, what she should require? There are characteristic requirements that I seek in a gentleman, in which another woman may not require or she may not put the same amount of weight on it, when it comes to doing what it takes to get into her heart. To each his own, and for me… it’s this:

respect

  1. RESPECT: I am coo-coo for coco puffs, over a gentleman who has respect not just for me, but for other women. He can’t degrade any female while in my presence and especially not his mother or the mother of his child. A man should always treat a woman like a queen. She should carry herself as such, but when he sees that she is not, I believe that he should encourage her to do better, rather than to perpetuate her unladylike characteristics. I think he should always hold her to a higher standard, by respecting her. This is demonstrated in the way he is to talk to a woman and the way he treats her overall. Never being a misogynistic A-hole or a male chauvinist.
  2. LOVE for my child: There are many women who choose to date and have a separate life, apart from the one where their child is involved, because the person they date, does not want to be involved in the child’s life- or the woman doesn’t really want him to be around her child. I think when it comes to me, the reason I chose not to do this, is because I am not a serial dater or a casual dater. When I date, it is because I have a real interest in something developing between the person that I give my time to. I don’t care for a man who wants a life with me that does not include my son. Meaning, we can’t play house during the week, but then you disappear when I have my son, because you don’t want to “have anything to do with” children. I have a child. And so, I am a package deal.
  3. MANNERS: A man who has good manners when it comes to sitting at the dinner table in a formal setting breeds a second date. When he knows that there is a time and place for everything, without me having to break it down, it’s less work for me and I don’t feel so much like I have a project or a fixer-upper. When out in public, where the need for etiquette skills to be demonstrated, are done so, with ease… it gives me the sense of comfort that I need to continue entertaining him. I love to see a man treating the waiter and waitress with respect, saying please and thank you. The topper is when I see a man who knows that it is necessary to address my parents as, Maam’ and Sir…. saying Yes and No Sir, when asked a question.
  4. CHILVERY: While the above manners, fall under Chilvery, there are more things that do so as well. Opening doors for his lady, adorning her with cards that read sentiments of his love and respect, honor and commitment to her, in addition to flowers for no reason, are a few simple things that go into the metal ingredients, which makes up the key to my heart. When a man knows these things without me having to tell him or ask him for it, it’s bonus! I do not like when I must tell a man how to treat a lady. I do realize that there are a small society of men who may not truly know or realize and understand that this is what a lady might require, due to what he has been allowed to get away with in other women.
  5. COURTING: Maybe I am just from the South and I am addicted to the ways of the South, where courting a girl first, was a way of life. Courting, I believe goes hand in hands with chivalry. Courting requires getting to know a woman on a deeper level, and showing her that you care, and are around for the long haul. This included “dating” her…taking her out. It’s like a try-out. If you want to be the MVP, you must do the work of an MVP. You must show her the value of having you, show her that you are a man who knows what to and will do what it takes, instead of just being another player. Show her that you want the ball. It’s making your intention clear by treating her like the lady she deserves to be treated as. It’s having a vested interest in taking it beyond dating, and into something serious.

chilvery

To piggy back a little on chivalry, respect, good manners: If a man offers to take me out to dinner, I expect a man to know that he will be picking up the bill, unless I offer and/or insist on paying for my purchase. If a man gets up for a bathroom break when he knows the bill is coming, he should also know that he will never be seeing me again. If a man fumbles his wallet when the check comes, giving any indication that he was not prepared to pay, he can make it the final payment that he will ever have to make when it comes to me.

washed car

  1. Wash my car and take out the trash – without me asking! When a man is around and the trash is still sitting in the garage, the hallway or the kitchen and any other part of the house, I think he’s a lazy boy, off the rip. I should not have to tell any man that he should stop walking by the trash and take it to the garbage outside or to the street for trash pick-up. Lastly, I should not be driving a dirty car, when there’s a man in my life. I expect him to know that he should always make sure that my car is clean and up to date on service. I need a man who knows this.
  2. Converse and listen– I said it before, I love a sociable guy and one that can hold his own in a conversation or in a crowded room, where the need for diversity in communication skills are needed. However, I do not like a man who goes on and on about himself, other people and never takes time for a breath. I do not like a man who does not listen, for the sake of him talking too much. A man who doesn’t listen, is usually holding on to his next thought, and is the reason he did not hear anything that you said. I can’t tell you how annoying it is for me to have to repeat myself- due to someone not listening.

date

This is where the list gets a little shorter, as the last 3 things are that I require, I wouldn’t quite consider to be red flags. It doesn’t make a man a bad person, if he doesn’t possess these qualities. But they are certainly things that I still consider and account for, when taking a closer look at accepting his offer for a relationship.

  1. Take Heed to The Things I Like and Don’t Like: Such as: Niedria prefers carnations over roses. Niedria prefers fresh seafood over frozen. Niedria prefers red wine over white wine. Niedria prefers silver jewelry over gold jewelry. My sister dated a guy once, who kept a list of her likes and don’t likes in his phone. His list grew as he got to know her. When holidays came around, he knew just what to get. When invited to dinner, he knew just what to say. When going out for a night on the town, he knew just where to take her. When she was upset, he knew just what he did.
  2. Sense of humor – He’s got to crack a joke or two, or at least able to take one. A witty and intelligent guy is attractive to me. When he can jump right in, with rebuttal jokes, against my random joking spells, he has what it takes.
  3. TATTOOS: Yes, it’s a little-known fact. It’s not a deal breaker, if the man is of a certain age- but I do love tattoos.  See Full Article on CafeMom
Lifestyle, Parenting, Relationships, Travel

When Acting Your Age Is Your Shoe Size

I don’t know about you, but the size of my shoe in the U.S., is an 8. That makes it a size 39 in Europe, which is also how old I am and will be, for about 5 more months. I have one son, who’s 6- years old. I have entertained a range of careers. All of which, were opportunities for me to grow and learn from. I have been up and I have been down. I have traveled to many places in my life, in which I was able to see a lot of things, meet and know a lot of people. I attribute the attitude that I have about approaching new things with an open-mind and a fearless attitude, to having been in High and Low places, throughout my life. I can argue that some of those things introduced me to unexpected growth spurts. Coming out of college and having to make a living, required growing up in the moment. An unplanned pregnancy required more growth, overnight. While I was 33 years old when it happened, it still required conforming into a different kind of adult…. A Mother… A Grown Woman. I do my very best to only compete with who I was yesterday, making a concerted effort to be submissive to the idea of growing older and wiser and becoming better, by doing better, but also by acknowledging the need to constantly be evolving. So, what does the idea of, “acting your age” involve? That is the question, as I take a stab at the responsibilities and characteristics of what it means to be a Grown Woman.

There are many daunting tasks and responsibilities, which may require the attention of the woman, who is of a certain age. Such as: Leading a team professionals. This person may be chosen based on the characteristics they possess in their educational background, extensive knowledge and experience, their attitude and personality and their skill level, as well as their proven ability to do the job.

While we often attribute the above to an older woman, like I just did…these same responsibilities and characteristics which may define a grown woman, can fall on a woman of any age, as those task, don’t always belong to a certain age group. I believe that telling someone to act their age, stems from a place of expectation. We expect a woman of a certain age to act a certain way. We expect a woman with certain responsibilities to act a certain way also. That expectation is not an unwarranted expectation, but it has come increasingly clear to me, that its possible to encounter a woman in her late 30’s, who may act more like a grown woman, than someone in their late 50’s.

When a young lady evolves into a woman, perhaps after child birth and marriage, her responsibilities increase in her life and sometimes even in the community of which she resides in and within the society that she lives in. She becomes a woman of distinct character and she continues to unfold the beauty within, as she grows older.

In seeking the counsel of several wise woman, who all agreed to the following, as being a few of the stronger characteristics; which will define your status as a Grown Woman. It was after we determined that age wasn’t anything but a number, and that although women of a certain age could lack the following, they shouldn’t lack the following:

Ability to Prioritize Prioritizing your life, so that the most important thing is addressed and given the attention that it needs. Priorities can vary from woman to woman, as one may have children and another may have a demanding job. When and if they have both, it’s about a balance your priorities and determining when one over another deserves the attention at that moment in time.

Professionalism This can be seen in the way a woman may dress and present herself in a work setting. When conducting business and leading a team at work, a grown woman will always maintain the professional standards of the workplace.

Growth from childlike ways Growing up from childlike ways is growing out of the need to gossip, to be the mean girl, and to not like someone because ‘your friend doesn’t like them and they don’t like your friend’. You’d have to admit, that’s childish, isn’t it?

Discernment When you grow up, you welcome and embrace your naturally ability to discern. You no longer engage in activities that may have occupied your time in your youth. You recognize the difference in healthy chatter and gossip, where family and friends are concerned. You excuse yourself from situations that require you to demote your success.

Make more conscious decisions You have grown into a someone who thinks things through more carefully, before acting. You study and weigh options, so that you can make healthy choices, mentally, emotionally and physically. You analyze to a solution or a remedy, which has the greater value and shelf life.

Distinguished You entertain yourself with Grace, Elegance and Virtue…Which voluntarily reveals itself through your caliber of character. You possess a certain zeal about yourself, in the way that you walk, talk and stand.

Wisdom You know when to do whatever, when to say whatever and you realize that in business, sometimes no move, is a move. You become distinctively clear about your business affairs, family affairs and the affairs of your children.

There’s only one thing in my opinion, that isn’t supposed to get better with age. That is your immaturity level. It may have been in your nature as a young person, but after 30… 40….50… it doesn’t look good on you. Maturity and Immaturity is a universal language that can be understood at any adult age. The two-bit, penny-ante, and pettifogging ways are the things that should be left behind, long before your late 30’s. That is what sets grown women apart from other women.

All of the Above require maturity! So, next time you tell a woman to act her age, and not her shoe size; be mindful, she probably is. Perhaps we should say, “Act Like a Grown Woman.”

See Article on Working Mother